I grew up in California’s San Fernando Valley. And the great thing about being a Valley Boy is that you grow up among many different types of people. Different races, religions, backgrounds, points of view. And I’m eternally thankful for growing up in a melting pot, because that’s exactly what the world is: a melting pot.
But even that didn’t quite prepare me for my little adventure a couple of days back. I was in Hancock Park at my friend Sanger’s place for some NCAA tournament basketball action and Texas Hold ’Em poker. During the evening, I decided to accompany Sanger to the market to pick up a few food and beverage items. As we drove out in his truck, I quickly realized that we moving out of the quiet peacefulness of Hancock Park and out toward L.A.’s inner city near the USC campus, finally coming to a stop at the Food 4 Less.
Now like I said: I’ve grown up with every type of person imaginable. But the one thing I’m not used to is being the only white person in any one large location.
And I’m going to confess something right here:
It’s a little odd.
But when I walked inside? That was where the fun began:
-----------------
So Sanger and I ventured to the alcohol section -- where he was looking for tonic water -- when I came across a woman speaking to her 5-year-old son in way that’s a bit more colorful than the "mother-to-young son" conversations I would overhear at my neighborhood Ralphs.
The woman said to her little boy:
Where the fuck are the 12 packs of Coors?!? Your dad likes the 12 packs, but all they have are the six-packs!! He don’t like the fuckin’ six packs!! What the fuck?!? Go see if they have some 40 ounces.
And you know what was so cute? The little boy found the 40 ounces and tried with all his might to reach them on the top shelf.
And you know what?
He did.
I think I can. I think I can.
(By the way, I have finally figured out why 40-ounce malt liquors are the inner city beverage of choice. They were going for only $1.98 at the Food 4 Less. $1.98!! Holy cow!! The same drink at my neighborhood Ralphs would go for $15.75. I took a swig of malt liquor once in my wilder, sexy college days and thought that it tasted like a mixture of gasoline and piss. And even I was tempted to buy a couple for $1.98.)
--------------
When we went to wait in line at the cashier, there was a woman in front of us who had in her shopping cart the following items:
Top Ramen
Marshallows
Little hot dog cocktail weenies
Guavas
Assorted dented cans
And more Top Ramen
And I’d like to say something at this point:
I don’t know what the stigma is against dented cans. The food isn’t damaged, it tastes the same and the can is 30 to 40 cents cheaper. What, I ask you, is the problem?
We Valley folks can learn from this woman, as far as I’m concerned.
--------------------
And finally, there was what happened after the cashier scanned our items:
I was standing there waiting for the cashier -- or somebody -- to begin putting my groceries away when I noticed that no such help was forthcoming.
I stood there for a moment, confused, until I saw Sanger go to the other side and reach for the plastic bags.
It then occurred to me:
I was expected to bag my own groceries.
Now look: I am not uppity, a snob or against hard work. But this was bullshit!! Nevin Barich does not bag his own groceries. I mean...no.
Besides: It really is an exact science. Don’t put the eggs at the bottom. Soda and pie do not mix. Separate bathroom and tooth-care items. How the hell do you keep it all straight?
But...when in Rome. So I reluctantly went over to the other side and grabbed a couple of plastic bags of my own.
The cashier -- who by this point was already onto the next customer -- looked over my way, saw me hesistantly put a bag of chips in with the Heinekens, and gave me a little smirk that said exactly one thing:
White Boy.
So much for blending in.
And now for this week’s:
SIGN OF THE APOCALYPSE
The other day, I went to my local 7-11 and purchased a Big Gulp from a female worker.
I say this again:
A female worker at 7-11.
In my 28-plus years on this Earth comprising hundreds of visits to this franchise, I have never, ever seen a female work there. I mean not once.
As I was walking out, I noticed the other worker there -- who was male -- staring at this woman, a kind of awed look on his face.
I caught his eye.
"Times are changing," he said
They certainly are. They certainly are.
Do you like these blogs? Hate them? Somewhere in the middle? Leave me a comment and let me know. Your words keep me motivated...to write mine. :-)
-------------------------
Hey, guess what? I’m trying to make a living writing blogs about the dumb things of everyday life. How am I doing this? With the help of the folks at iBizTraining.com, an online training resource that shows you how to run your own online business (Online Training, Online Business. My God, it fits!!). Find out more at www.iBiztraining.com
The best sportswriters in the world are women (I have always said this). And the best in the world is none other than my girlfriend Ramona Shelburne, sports columnist for the Los Angeles Daily News. Read more about her at http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ramona_Shelburne
There’s a high standard in today’s fashion world. And no one meets that standard better than Spooles, which provides customers with high-quality purses and other accessories that are both affordable and trendy. Get trendy!! Go to www.spooles.com
There’s a cowgirl inside every woman: Elusive, passionate, untamed (I wrote that myself!!). Elusive Cowgirl caters to the free spirit within you, priding themselves on a special line of high-quality products unique on its own yet tailored to fit your everyday style. Find your inner cowgirl: Visit www.elusivecowgirl.com
The laziest man in Earth…is blogging about it. Go to www.lazyhank.com and find out more.
Sunday, March 30, 2008
Saturday, March 22, 2008
Let The (March) Madness Begin: A Nevin Barich Blog Experience
Everyone who knows me knows I’m a big sports fan. And for me, it gets no bigger than March Madness.
March Madness, for those of you who are not American or live under rocks 10 months out of the year (coming out only in July and August to enjoy the sunny weather), is the nickname of the NCAA men’s basketball tournament. Every year, 65 teams compete in this single-elimination tournament and people like me fill out brackets trying to figure out who is going to win each game.
Why do we do this? For money, of course. :-)
How big is March Madness? Put it this way: It is estimated that companies lose more than $1 billion in productivity every year because people are focusing more on these games than on their jobs.
I am one of these people.
Folks, this is like my Christmas. To me, there is nothing like filling out my brackets (I have six this year) and living and dying on the basketball talents of spoiled, moronic college kids.
Nope, I can’t think of anything more satisfying.
With that in mind, the first days of March Madness were last Thursday and Friday. The following is a running diary of these first two crucial days:
-------------
THURSDAY
8 a.m. There is nothing like the opening morning of March Madness. The first game is just over an hour away, and you spend the remaining time figuring out how to follow the games online without your boss seeing, and feeling hopeful -- even confident -- that your upset picks will pan out.
I get an e-mail from my friend Joe:
I have Temple upsetting Michigan State and going far!!
I speak to my co-worker Matt:
I think USC can make some noise!!
As for me:
Georgia is the scariest 14th seed I’ve ever seen!!
And that’s the great thing about the waning moments before March Madness begins: Anything...everything...is possible.
9:20 a.m. Midway through the first half: Temple is losing by double digits.
E-mail from Joe: Temple takes it in the ass.
10 a.m. Georgia is beating Xavier by nine at halftime!! I start to let my mind wander...
10:25 a.m. Georgia is still up 9!! Joe and I exchange e-mails of glee. Temple, by the way, is getting killed.
10:32 a.m. No!! Xavier has cut the lead to 4.
10:38 a.m. I return from the bathroom.
"Xavier has tied it up," Matt says.
"DAMN IT!!" I scream.
10:39 a.m. A female co-worker of me and Matt, who is not from America, ask us what we’re doing.
This leads me to:
NCAA March Madness Tangent No. 1: I hate it when non-Americans ask me to explain what March Madness is. I don’t have time to explain it, you won’t understand it, I’ll get pissed because you’re taking me away from the games, and you’ll be rolling your eyes because this whole thing sounds like a complete waste of time. Just don’t ask questions and we’ll both be better off.
10:46 a.m. Xavier is pulling away. Temple has lost. Joe and I, in separate offices, lament over what might have been.
11:15 a.m. Top-seeded Kansas is blowing out Portland State, which was expected, so Matt and I turn our attention to...
Matt: Did you know that the odds of putting together a perfect bracket are in the trillions?
Me: Trillions?
Matt: Trillions.
Me: Wow.
Matt: CBS Sportsline is offering $5 million to anyone who picks the perfect bracket. I’d love to have $5 million.
Me: Yeah.
Matt: Yeah.
When there’s no good games to watch, it’s either conversations like these. Or work.
I choose conversations like these.
1:15 p.m. E-mail from Joe:
I’ve got UCLA winning in all my brackets.
I sigh. This leads me to:
NCAA March Madness Tangent No. 2: March Madness brackets are like an investment portfolio. You need to diversify. Almost without exception, if you don’t pick the champion in your bracket, you won’t win. It’s that simple. Me? Out of my six brackets, I have four different teams winning it all.
But Joe? If UCLA loses at any point, all of Joe’s brackets become as useful as wadded-up toilet paper.
Joe did the same thing last year, and UCLA lost. And I had to console him.
Why do people insist on repeating their mistakes?
I’m not playing counselor this year. I refuse.
If Joe’s wife, Kristy, is reading this, I hope this message is sinking in. This year, you’re offering the shoulder to cry on.
2:30 p.m. Reason No. 571,463 why women should not publicly predict the outcome of sporting events:
Only two women, including my girlfriend Ramona, are full-time sportswriters at the Daily News. The one not named Ramona publicly picked Cornell to upset Stanford. Her picks actually ran in the paper, where tens of thousands of people could see.
Cornell is losing by 27. They’ll go on to lose by 24.
Along with Hillary Clinton potentially blowing the democratic primary, this will set the women’s movement back 20 years. I guarantee it.
4 p.m. I’m talking to my dad -- sports afficianado Bob Barich -- about that women’s Cornell prediction.
"What is she, nuts?!?" my dad exclaims. "Stanford was favored by 30 points!!"
Then, for some reason, my dad goes into this long rant about how when he wrote for his high school paper in the 1960s, he managed to sneak into the press boxes for Dodgers and Angels games. He talked about the food and drinks they had in the press box -- steak, lobster, whiskey, etc. All free of charge. It was a story I’ve heard many times.
"Hey Dad," I ask, "were women in the press boxes back then?"
"Nevin," he replied, "who do you think was serving the food?"
Totally demeaning.
Totally sexist.
Totally classic.
A father-son moment not soon forgotten.
My male readers will understand.
8:30 p.m. The first day of March Madness ends rather uneventfully, with the exception of USC being upset by Kansas State. This will be important when we go to...
FRIDAY
8:30 a.m. "I hate USC" e-mail from Joe No. 1:
I had USC going far. Christ.
9 a.m. Question from a female "What is March Madness? I’ve never heard of it because I’m not from America and my country’s national sport is cricket" co-worker:
Are you and Matt planning to do any work today?
Someone give me the number for Immigration. Now.
9:45 a.m. What the hell??? Tennessee, one of the top seeds in the tournament -- and a team I picked to go far in a number of brackets -- is struggling against American. Yes, that’s the actual name of the school. American.
9:50 a.m. E-mail exchange between Joe and I:
Me: C’mon Tennessee!!
Joe: I hope they lose. I think they’re overrated and don’t have them going far anyway.
Me: Hey Joe, how’s Temple doing? Did they go far? Oh...wait...
Joe goes silent.
10:30 a.m. Tennessee continues to struggle.
Matt: "Tennessee continues to struggle."
Yes, Matthew. Thank you.
10:45 a.m. Tennessee starts to pull away. I take a swig of Diet Dr. Pepper and breathe a sigh of relief.
11 a.m. "I hate USC" e-mail from Joe No. 2:
My brackets would be looking a lot better if USC didn’t play like a bunch of little bitches. I hate USC. They’re bitches. I hate them. Bitches.
11:15 a.m. Upset special!!! Western Kentucky is beating Drake, a team several people had high hopes for, by double digits.
11:17 a.m. E-mail exchange between me and Joe:
Joe: I need Western Kentucky to win. C’mon...whatever the hell their mascot is.
Me: Hilltoppers.
Joe: Hilltoppers?
Me: Hilltoppers.
Joe: How the hell do you know that off the top of your head?
Nev: It’s March Madness, Joseph. No detail is too small.
11:40 a.m. Drake is storming back and Western Kentucky’s lead is shrinking. I can feel Joe cringe.
11:45 a.m. Western Kentucky and Drake are going to overtime!!
If you heard a loud wail permeating throughout the landscape yesterday at that time, that was Joe. It’s understandable.
12:05 p.m. Western Kentucky wins on a crazy 3-pointer at the buzzer.
E-mail from Joe:
Western Kentucky!!!
By the way: Had Western Kentucky blown this game, I would’ve sent Joe an e-mail entitled "March Madness Kiss of Death" and attached a picture of himself.
During March Madness, it’s not only OK to stomp on your friends’ dreams. It’s expected.
12:25 p.m. Conversation between myself and Rachit, another co-worker of mine and a USC alum:
Rachit: Nevin, when is USC playing?
Me: They lost last night.
Rachit: Oh, they did?
Me: Yeah.
Rachit: Well, that’s OK. Because we still get to play in the tournament.
Me: No Rachit, last night was their tournament game. And they lost.
(pause)
Rachit: So when do they play again?
Me: They don’t. Their season’s over.
(pause)
Rachit: Over?
Me: Over.
Rachit then gives me one of those "I can’t believe you just told me there’s no Santa Claus" looks.
March Madness. She’s rarely kind.
1:15 p.m. "I hate USC" e-mail from Joe No. 3:
USC: University of...Stupid...Chariot...Riding...people. This sucks.
This leads me to:
NCAA March Madness Tangent No. 3: When one of your teams lose, you’ve got to let it go. You can’t harbor grudges. There’s more games left to be played, more teams that need your love and support.
Like your grandfather told my father who told me:
Sports teams are like Tijuana hookers: Cheap and replaceable.
There’s a message in there, people.
2:15 p.m. Upset special!!! San Diego is beating perennial powerhouse Connecticut. Matt and I have dropped all pretenses of work and are watching a live broadcast of the game through his computer.
2:17 p.m. E-mail from Joe:
I’ve got UConn going far too. Damn it!!
2:30 p.m. San Diego and UConn are going to overtime!! Matt and I are in "I can’t believe we’re watching a potential Cinderella story" giddiness mode.
2:40 p.m. San Diego wins on a wicked "how the hell did he hit that shot with a guy in his face?!?" fadeaway jumper!!
2:41 p.m. E-mail from Joe:
F*UCK
He wrote the word 51 times in that e-mail.
I know.
I counted.
March Madness.
Yep. It’s begun.
And now for this week’s:
SIGN OF THE APOCALYPSE:
One of my best friends, Kevin, turns 30 today.
He’s the first close male friend of mine to turn 30.
Damn, we’re gettin’ old.
Damn.
Do you like these blogs? Hate them? Somewhere in the middle? Leave me a comment and let me know. Your words keep me motivated...to write mine. :-)
--------------
Hey, guess what? I’m trying to make a living writing blogs about the dumb things of everyday life. How am I doing this? With the help of the folks at iBizTraining.com, an online training resource that shows you how to run your own online business (Online Training, Online Business. My God, it fits!!). Find out more at www.iBiztraining.com
The best sportswriters in the world are women (I have always said this). And the best in the world is none other than my girlfriend Ramona Shelburne, sports columnist for the Los Angeles Daily News. Read more about her at http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ramona_Shelburne
There’s a high standard in today’s fashion world. And no one meets that standard better than Spooles, which provides customers with high-quality purses and other accessories that are both affordable and trendy. Get trendy!! Go to www.spooles.com
There’s a cowgirl inside every woman: Elusive, passionate, untamed (I wrote that myself!!). Elusive Cowgirl caters to the free spirit within you, priding themselves on a special line of high-quality products unique on its own yet tailored to fit your everyday style. Find your inner cowgirl: Visit www.elusivecowgirl.com
The laziest man in Earth…is blogging about it. Go to www.lazyhank.com and find out more.
March Madness, for those of you who are not American or live under rocks 10 months out of the year (coming out only in July and August to enjoy the sunny weather), is the nickname of the NCAA men’s basketball tournament. Every year, 65 teams compete in this single-elimination tournament and people like me fill out brackets trying to figure out who is going to win each game.
Why do we do this? For money, of course. :-)
How big is March Madness? Put it this way: It is estimated that companies lose more than $1 billion in productivity every year because people are focusing more on these games than on their jobs.
I am one of these people.
Folks, this is like my Christmas. To me, there is nothing like filling out my brackets (I have six this year) and living and dying on the basketball talents of spoiled, moronic college kids.
Nope, I can’t think of anything more satisfying.
With that in mind, the first days of March Madness were last Thursday and Friday. The following is a running diary of these first two crucial days:
-------------
THURSDAY
8 a.m. There is nothing like the opening morning of March Madness. The first game is just over an hour away, and you spend the remaining time figuring out how to follow the games online without your boss seeing, and feeling hopeful -- even confident -- that your upset picks will pan out.
I get an e-mail from my friend Joe:
I have Temple upsetting Michigan State and going far!!
I speak to my co-worker Matt:
I think USC can make some noise!!
As for me:
Georgia is the scariest 14th seed I’ve ever seen!!
And that’s the great thing about the waning moments before March Madness begins: Anything...everything...is possible.
9:20 a.m. Midway through the first half: Temple is losing by double digits.
E-mail from Joe: Temple takes it in the ass.
10 a.m. Georgia is beating Xavier by nine at halftime!! I start to let my mind wander...
10:25 a.m. Georgia is still up 9!! Joe and I exchange e-mails of glee. Temple, by the way, is getting killed.
10:32 a.m. No!! Xavier has cut the lead to 4.
10:38 a.m. I return from the bathroom.
"Xavier has tied it up," Matt says.
"DAMN IT!!" I scream.
10:39 a.m. A female co-worker of me and Matt, who is not from America, ask us what we’re doing.
This leads me to:
NCAA March Madness Tangent No. 1: I hate it when non-Americans ask me to explain what March Madness is. I don’t have time to explain it, you won’t understand it, I’ll get pissed because you’re taking me away from the games, and you’ll be rolling your eyes because this whole thing sounds like a complete waste of time. Just don’t ask questions and we’ll both be better off.
10:46 a.m. Xavier is pulling away. Temple has lost. Joe and I, in separate offices, lament over what might have been.
11:15 a.m. Top-seeded Kansas is blowing out Portland State, which was expected, so Matt and I turn our attention to...
Matt: Did you know that the odds of putting together a perfect bracket are in the trillions?
Me: Trillions?
Matt: Trillions.
Me: Wow.
Matt: CBS Sportsline is offering $5 million to anyone who picks the perfect bracket. I’d love to have $5 million.
Me: Yeah.
Matt: Yeah.
When there’s no good games to watch, it’s either conversations like these. Or work.
I choose conversations like these.
1:15 p.m. E-mail from Joe:
I’ve got UCLA winning in all my brackets.
I sigh. This leads me to:
NCAA March Madness Tangent No. 2: March Madness brackets are like an investment portfolio. You need to diversify. Almost without exception, if you don’t pick the champion in your bracket, you won’t win. It’s that simple. Me? Out of my six brackets, I have four different teams winning it all.
But Joe? If UCLA loses at any point, all of Joe’s brackets become as useful as wadded-up toilet paper.
Joe did the same thing last year, and UCLA lost. And I had to console him.
Why do people insist on repeating their mistakes?
I’m not playing counselor this year. I refuse.
If Joe’s wife, Kristy, is reading this, I hope this message is sinking in. This year, you’re offering the shoulder to cry on.
2:30 p.m. Reason No. 571,463 why women should not publicly predict the outcome of sporting events:
Only two women, including my girlfriend Ramona, are full-time sportswriters at the Daily News. The one not named Ramona publicly picked Cornell to upset Stanford. Her picks actually ran in the paper, where tens of thousands of people could see.
Cornell is losing by 27. They’ll go on to lose by 24.
Along with Hillary Clinton potentially blowing the democratic primary, this will set the women’s movement back 20 years. I guarantee it.
4 p.m. I’m talking to my dad -- sports afficianado Bob Barich -- about that women’s Cornell prediction.
"What is she, nuts?!?" my dad exclaims. "Stanford was favored by 30 points!!"
Then, for some reason, my dad goes into this long rant about how when he wrote for his high school paper in the 1960s, he managed to sneak into the press boxes for Dodgers and Angels games. He talked about the food and drinks they had in the press box -- steak, lobster, whiskey, etc. All free of charge. It was a story I’ve heard many times.
"Hey Dad," I ask, "were women in the press boxes back then?"
"Nevin," he replied, "who do you think was serving the food?"
Totally demeaning.
Totally sexist.
Totally classic.
A father-son moment not soon forgotten.
My male readers will understand.
8:30 p.m. The first day of March Madness ends rather uneventfully, with the exception of USC being upset by Kansas State. This will be important when we go to...
FRIDAY
8:30 a.m. "I hate USC" e-mail from Joe No. 1:
I had USC going far. Christ.
9 a.m. Question from a female "What is March Madness? I’ve never heard of it because I’m not from America and my country’s national sport is cricket" co-worker:
Are you and Matt planning to do any work today?
Someone give me the number for Immigration. Now.
9:45 a.m. What the hell??? Tennessee, one of the top seeds in the tournament -- and a team I picked to go far in a number of brackets -- is struggling against American. Yes, that’s the actual name of the school. American.
9:50 a.m. E-mail exchange between Joe and I:
Me: C’mon Tennessee!!
Joe: I hope they lose. I think they’re overrated and don’t have them going far anyway.
Me: Hey Joe, how’s Temple doing? Did they go far? Oh...wait...
Joe goes silent.
10:30 a.m. Tennessee continues to struggle.
Matt: "Tennessee continues to struggle."
Yes, Matthew. Thank you.
10:45 a.m. Tennessee starts to pull away. I take a swig of Diet Dr. Pepper and breathe a sigh of relief.
11 a.m. "I hate USC" e-mail from Joe No. 2:
My brackets would be looking a lot better if USC didn’t play like a bunch of little bitches. I hate USC. They’re bitches. I hate them. Bitches.
11:15 a.m. Upset special!!! Western Kentucky is beating Drake, a team several people had high hopes for, by double digits.
11:17 a.m. E-mail exchange between me and Joe:
Joe: I need Western Kentucky to win. C’mon...whatever the hell their mascot is.
Me: Hilltoppers.
Joe: Hilltoppers?
Me: Hilltoppers.
Joe: How the hell do you know that off the top of your head?
Nev: It’s March Madness, Joseph. No detail is too small.
11:40 a.m. Drake is storming back and Western Kentucky’s lead is shrinking. I can feel Joe cringe.
11:45 a.m. Western Kentucky and Drake are going to overtime!!
If you heard a loud wail permeating throughout the landscape yesterday at that time, that was Joe. It’s understandable.
12:05 p.m. Western Kentucky wins on a crazy 3-pointer at the buzzer.
E-mail from Joe:
Western Kentucky!!!
By the way: Had Western Kentucky blown this game, I would’ve sent Joe an e-mail entitled "March Madness Kiss of Death" and attached a picture of himself.
During March Madness, it’s not only OK to stomp on your friends’ dreams. It’s expected.
12:25 p.m. Conversation between myself and Rachit, another co-worker of mine and a USC alum:
Rachit: Nevin, when is USC playing?
Me: They lost last night.
Rachit: Oh, they did?
Me: Yeah.
Rachit: Well, that’s OK. Because we still get to play in the tournament.
Me: No Rachit, last night was their tournament game. And they lost.
(pause)
Rachit: So when do they play again?
Me: They don’t. Their season’s over.
(pause)
Rachit: Over?
Me: Over.
Rachit then gives me one of those "I can’t believe you just told me there’s no Santa Claus" looks.
March Madness. She’s rarely kind.
1:15 p.m. "I hate USC" e-mail from Joe No. 3:
USC: University of...Stupid...Chariot...Riding...people. This sucks.
This leads me to:
NCAA March Madness Tangent No. 3: When one of your teams lose, you’ve got to let it go. You can’t harbor grudges. There’s more games left to be played, more teams that need your love and support.
Like your grandfather told my father who told me:
Sports teams are like Tijuana hookers: Cheap and replaceable.
There’s a message in there, people.
2:15 p.m. Upset special!!! San Diego is beating perennial powerhouse Connecticut. Matt and I have dropped all pretenses of work and are watching a live broadcast of the game through his computer.
2:17 p.m. E-mail from Joe:
I’ve got UConn going far too. Damn it!!
2:30 p.m. San Diego and UConn are going to overtime!! Matt and I are in "I can’t believe we’re watching a potential Cinderella story" giddiness mode.
2:40 p.m. San Diego wins on a wicked "how the hell did he hit that shot with a guy in his face?!?" fadeaway jumper!!
2:41 p.m. E-mail from Joe:
F*UCK
He wrote the word 51 times in that e-mail.
I know.
I counted.
March Madness.
Yep. It’s begun.
And now for this week’s:
SIGN OF THE APOCALYPSE:
One of my best friends, Kevin, turns 30 today.
He’s the first close male friend of mine to turn 30.
Damn, we’re gettin’ old.
Damn.
Do you like these blogs? Hate them? Somewhere in the middle? Leave me a comment and let me know. Your words keep me motivated...to write mine. :-)
--------------
Hey, guess what? I’m trying to make a living writing blogs about the dumb things of everyday life. How am I doing this? With the help of the folks at iBizTraining.com, an online training resource that shows you how to run your own online business (Online Training, Online Business. My God, it fits!!). Find out more at www.iBiztraining.com
The best sportswriters in the world are women (I have always said this). And the best in the world is none other than my girlfriend Ramona Shelburne, sports columnist for the Los Angeles Daily News. Read more about her at http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ramona_Shelburne
There’s a high standard in today’s fashion world. And no one meets that standard better than Spooles, which provides customers with high-quality purses and other accessories that are both affordable and trendy. Get trendy!! Go to www.spooles.com
There’s a cowgirl inside every woman: Elusive, passionate, untamed (I wrote that myself!!). Elusive Cowgirl caters to the free spirit within you, priding themselves on a special line of high-quality products unique on its own yet tailored to fit your everyday style. Find your inner cowgirl: Visit www.elusivecowgirl.com
The laziest man in Earth…is blogging about it. Go to www.lazyhank.com and find out more.
Channeling The Little Boy Within: Buying Toys For a 4 Year Old: A Nevin Barich Blog Experience
My girlfriend Ramona has three male cousins who live in Mammoth, ages 12, 8 and one who is about to turn 4. Whenever their birthdays or the holidays come up, I’m the one in charge of buying the gifts for them.
This was a task that evolved over time. Originally, both Ramona and I participated in the gift-getting for these young lads. But one day a few summers ago, Ramona was giving a speech in the middle of Toys R Us on the importance of providing educational toys for these boys, in order to set a positive example.
I was holding the Super Soaker 8000 at the time. Capable of shooting water at your enemies up to 50 feet.
Educational material. Super Soaker 8000. Educational material. Super Soaker 8000.
Despite my pleas, we didn’t get the Super Soaker that day. Ramona disapproved.
So the next day, I went down there by myself and bought it.
The kids loved it.
Hell, I almost bought one for myself.
:-)
Luckily, Ramona understood at that point that I could relate to boys a bit better than she, so this task became mine and mine alone in the years to come. And that’s why I was in Kaybee Toy Stores yesterday buying a gift for young Drevin, who is soon to turn 4 years old.
Now, buying a gift for a 4-year-old boy isn’t as easy as it sounds. It’s a difficult age. He’s too young for major Super Soakers, too old for anything that says "Fisher Price." And what is the age range for a Nerf basketball set, anyway?
So there I was, in the little boys section of the store, wondering if little Dre would choke on of these toy trucks I was thinking of purchasing, when down the aisle walked a little boy, who looked to be around Dre’s age. At this point, I felt a great opportunity was presenting itself before me, as who better to ask what toys to get a 4-year-old boy than to ask a 4-year old boy?
"Hey kid," I said to the little tyke -- whose name, I found out later, was Juan -- waving a package of toy army trucks in his face, "would you play with this?"
He looked at me. No response.
"OK," I said. "What about these toy tractors? Would you play with these tractors?"
Juan looked at the tractors. Then looked at me. Then shuffled his shoes. No words yet.
"All right," I continued. "What about this Nerf gun? It says ages 6 and up. But would you play with this Nerf gun if it was in your possession?"
Possession. The word threw the kid. I could tell. He simply gazed at me with a blank stare. His mouth began to open and a bit of drool started forming on the right side of his face. Still no words.
Clearly, speaking to the youth generation of today was proving more difficult than anticipated. So I got down on my knees, to be eye level with young Juan, and attempted to explain my plight in words he could understand.
"You see," I told him, "I need to get a toy for a little boy who is your age. He’s going to turn 4."
And at that point, I held up four fingers. I held them up for a long time, too, to make sure the message sunk into little Juan’s head.
"And if you like the toy, then he’ll like the toys."
When I said you, I pointed at Juan. When I said he’ll, I pointed at the trucks.
"So," I concluded, "do you like any of these toys?"
And then Juan spoke.
"I’m 3," he said.
And then he walked away.
Mystifying. Truly mystifying.
One day, years from now, a woman is going to scream at Juan, "I JUST DON’T UNDERSTAND YOU!!!" I guarantee it.
So I decided to go with the toy trucks and the little Nerf gun. As the good folks at Kaybee Toys was ringing me up, I gazed over to the little boys aisle and noticed young Juan had returned there with his mother. There, pointing at the toys that I had previously displayed before him, I heard him say the following:
I WANT IT!!! I WANT IT!!! I WANT IT!!! I WANT IT!!! I WANNNNNTTTTT ITTTTTTTT!!!
I then smiled.
That was all I wanted to hear.
And now for this week’s:
SIGN OF THE APOCALYPSE
Earlier this week, I was at work when I heard Kathy, one of my co-workers, sneeze.
"Bless you," I said.
Now, why is this weird?
Because I told Kathy "bless you" via Instant Messenger.
And the funny thing was: I didn’t even think twice about it. No verbal communication was used, and neither of us found it remotely strange.
I wrote "bless you."
She wrote "thank you."
And we went upon our day.
A wordless society.
The foundation is building.
Do you like these blogs? Hate them? Somewhere in the middle? Leave me a comment and let me know. Your words keep me motivated...to write mine. :-)
--------------
Hey, guess what? I’m trying to make a living writing blogs about the dumb things of everyday life. How am I doing this? With the help of the folks at iBizTraining.com, an online training resource that shows you how to run your own online business (Online Training, Online Business. My God, it fits!!). Find out more at www.iBiztraining.com
The best sportswriters in the world are women (I have always said this). And the best in the world is none other than my girlfriend Ramona Shelburne, sports columnist for the Los Angeles Daily News. Read more about her at http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ramona_Shelburne
There’s a high standard in today’s fashion world. And no one meets that standard better than Spooles, which provides customers with high-quality purses and other accessories that are both affordable and trendy. Get trendy!! Go to www.spooles.com
There’s a cowgirl inside every woman: Elusive, passionate, untamed (I wrote that myself!!). Elusive Cowgirl caters to the free spirit within you, priding themselves on a special line of high-quality products unique on its own yet tailored to fit your everyday style. Find your inner cowgirl: Visit www.elusivecowgirl.com
The laziest man in Earth…is blogging about it. Go to www.lazyhank.com and find out more.
This was a task that evolved over time. Originally, both Ramona and I participated in the gift-getting for these young lads. But one day a few summers ago, Ramona was giving a speech in the middle of Toys R Us on the importance of providing educational toys for these boys, in order to set a positive example.
I was holding the Super Soaker 8000 at the time. Capable of shooting water at your enemies up to 50 feet.
Educational material. Super Soaker 8000. Educational material. Super Soaker 8000.
Despite my pleas, we didn’t get the Super Soaker that day. Ramona disapproved.
So the next day, I went down there by myself and bought it.
The kids loved it.
Hell, I almost bought one for myself.
:-)
Luckily, Ramona understood at that point that I could relate to boys a bit better than she, so this task became mine and mine alone in the years to come. And that’s why I was in Kaybee Toy Stores yesterday buying a gift for young Drevin, who is soon to turn 4 years old.
Now, buying a gift for a 4-year-old boy isn’t as easy as it sounds. It’s a difficult age. He’s too young for major Super Soakers, too old for anything that says "Fisher Price." And what is the age range for a Nerf basketball set, anyway?
So there I was, in the little boys section of the store, wondering if little Dre would choke on of these toy trucks I was thinking of purchasing, when down the aisle walked a little boy, who looked to be around Dre’s age. At this point, I felt a great opportunity was presenting itself before me, as who better to ask what toys to get a 4-year-old boy than to ask a 4-year old boy?
"Hey kid," I said to the little tyke -- whose name, I found out later, was Juan -- waving a package of toy army trucks in his face, "would you play with this?"
He looked at me. No response.
"OK," I said. "What about these toy tractors? Would you play with these tractors?"
Juan looked at the tractors. Then looked at me. Then shuffled his shoes. No words yet.
"All right," I continued. "What about this Nerf gun? It says ages 6 and up. But would you play with this Nerf gun if it was in your possession?"
Possession. The word threw the kid. I could tell. He simply gazed at me with a blank stare. His mouth began to open and a bit of drool started forming on the right side of his face. Still no words.
Clearly, speaking to the youth generation of today was proving more difficult than anticipated. So I got down on my knees, to be eye level with young Juan, and attempted to explain my plight in words he could understand.
"You see," I told him, "I need to get a toy for a little boy who is your age. He’s going to turn 4."
And at that point, I held up four fingers. I held them up for a long time, too, to make sure the message sunk into little Juan’s head.
"And if you like the toy, then he’ll like the toys."
When I said you, I pointed at Juan. When I said he’ll, I pointed at the trucks.
"So," I concluded, "do you like any of these toys?"
And then Juan spoke.
"I’m 3," he said.
And then he walked away.
Mystifying. Truly mystifying.
One day, years from now, a woman is going to scream at Juan, "I JUST DON’T UNDERSTAND YOU!!!" I guarantee it.
So I decided to go with the toy trucks and the little Nerf gun. As the good folks at Kaybee Toys was ringing me up, I gazed over to the little boys aisle and noticed young Juan had returned there with his mother. There, pointing at the toys that I had previously displayed before him, I heard him say the following:
I WANT IT!!! I WANT IT!!! I WANT IT!!! I WANT IT!!! I WANNNNNTTTTT ITTTTTTTT!!!
I then smiled.
That was all I wanted to hear.
And now for this week’s:
SIGN OF THE APOCALYPSE
Earlier this week, I was at work when I heard Kathy, one of my co-workers, sneeze.
"Bless you," I said.
Now, why is this weird?
Because I told Kathy "bless you" via Instant Messenger.
And the funny thing was: I didn’t even think twice about it. No verbal communication was used, and neither of us found it remotely strange.
I wrote "bless you."
She wrote "thank you."
And we went upon our day.
A wordless society.
The foundation is building.
Do you like these blogs? Hate them? Somewhere in the middle? Leave me a comment and let me know. Your words keep me motivated...to write mine. :-)
--------------
Hey, guess what? I’m trying to make a living writing blogs about the dumb things of everyday life. How am I doing this? With the help of the folks at iBizTraining.com, an online training resource that shows you how to run your own online business (Online Training, Online Business. My God, it fits!!). Find out more at www.iBiztraining.com
The best sportswriters in the world are women (I have always said this). And the best in the world is none other than my girlfriend Ramona Shelburne, sports columnist for the Los Angeles Daily News. Read more about her at http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ramona_Shelburne
There’s a high standard in today’s fashion world. And no one meets that standard better than Spooles, which provides customers with high-quality purses and other accessories that are both affordable and trendy. Get trendy!! Go to www.spooles.com
There’s a cowgirl inside every woman: Elusive, passionate, untamed (I wrote that myself!!). Elusive Cowgirl caters to the free spirit within you, priding themselves on a special line of high-quality products unique on its own yet tailored to fit your everyday style. Find your inner cowgirl: Visit www.elusivecowgirl.com
The laziest man in Earth…is blogging about it. Go to www.lazyhank.com and find out more.
My Run-In With The Horseradish Gestapo: A Nevin Barich Blog Experience
Like any man, I enjoy a good piece of meat every now and again.
OK, who am I kidding? I love meat. I'm obsessed with meat. Burgers, hot dogs, steak, pork chops. I'm a meat eater, people. Bacon is like a second language to me. If I ever have to go on a diet again, I'll do Atkins so that I can make Italian sausage smothered with cheese and declare, "I'm eating healthy!!"
With that in mind, I recently ventured over to the Outdoor Grill in Northridge, a barbecue "not quite fast food but not quite restaurant" place that is pretty good. Once there, I looked at the menu and decided to get some prime rib.
Now here's a "Nevin fact" you might not be aware of: I hate horseradish. I've never liked the taste. Even if mixed with something like sour cream, it just doesn't do it for me.
Horseradish, though, is a common condiment among the prime rib crowd. Thus, when I told the guy behind the counter, "No horseradish"...
...the guy went psycho.
I mean, he gave me this look that literally made me take a half-step back. You would have thought I had worn a Nazi uniform into Israel. You would have guessed that had I screamed "VOTE FOR HILLARY!!!" during a union oilworker rally in Texas.
The dude looked at me with these laser eyes...
"You must have horseradish," he says.
You must, people. Not horseradish makes it better or are you sure? It's really good!!
You must.
Needless to say, I wouldn't give up without a fight.
"I don't want horseradish," I said.
"You must," the man replied.
"But I don't like horseradish."
"It brings out the flavor."
"I...don't...like...it."
"You...will...try...it."
I stared.
He stared.
I don't like to be bullied.
He wouldn't back down.
Irresistable force.
Immovable object.
Who would win?
Luckily, my superior intellect prevailed.
"It's that good?" I asked the guy.
"It's the best," he replied.
"OK then."
I took the horseradish.
The guy smiled.
He turned away...
...and I threw the horseradish in the trash.
Game.
Set.
Match.
Barich.
The moral of the story?
Next time, offer me au jus.
And then...we won't have a problem.
And now for this week's:
SIGN OF THE APOCALYPSE:
Longtime NFL quarterback and future Hall of Famer Brett Favre retired.
NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Do you like these blogs? Hate them? Somewhere in the middle? Leave me a comment and let me know. Your words keep me motivated...to write mine. :-)
---------------
Hey, guess what? I'm trying to make a living writing blogs about the dumb things of everyday life. How am I doing this? With the help of the folks at iBizTraining.com, an online training resource that shows you how to run your own online business (Online Training, Online Business. My God, it fits!!). Find out more at www.iBiztraining.com
The best sportswriters in the world are women (I have always said this). And the best in the world is none other than my girlfriend Ramona Shelburne, sports columnist for the Los Angeles Daily News. Read more about her at http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ramona_Shelburne
There's a high standard in today's fashion world. And no one meets that standard better than Spooles, which provides customers with high-quality purses and other accessories that are both affordable and trendy. Get trendy!! Go to www.spooles.com
There's a cowgirl inside every woman: Elusive, passionate, untamed (I wrote that myself!!). Elusive Cowgirl caters to the free spirit within you, priding themselves on a special line of high-quality products unique on its own yet tailored to fit your everyday style. Find your inner cowgirl: Visit www.elusivecowgirl.com
The laziest man in Earth…is blogging about it. Go to www.lazyhank.com and find out more.
OK, who am I kidding? I love meat. I'm obsessed with meat. Burgers, hot dogs, steak, pork chops. I'm a meat eater, people. Bacon is like a second language to me. If I ever have to go on a diet again, I'll do Atkins so that I can make Italian sausage smothered with cheese and declare, "I'm eating healthy!!"
With that in mind, I recently ventured over to the Outdoor Grill in Northridge, a barbecue "not quite fast food but not quite restaurant" place that is pretty good. Once there, I looked at the menu and decided to get some prime rib.
Now here's a "Nevin fact" you might not be aware of: I hate horseradish. I've never liked the taste. Even if mixed with something like sour cream, it just doesn't do it for me.
Horseradish, though, is a common condiment among the prime rib crowd. Thus, when I told the guy behind the counter, "No horseradish"...
...the guy went psycho.
I mean, he gave me this look that literally made me take a half-step back. You would have thought I had worn a Nazi uniform into Israel. You would have guessed that had I screamed "VOTE FOR HILLARY!!!" during a union oilworker rally in Texas.
The dude looked at me with these laser eyes...
"You must have horseradish," he says.
You must, people. Not horseradish makes it better or are you sure? It's really good!!
You must.
Needless to say, I wouldn't give up without a fight.
"I don't want horseradish," I said.
"You must," the man replied.
"But I don't like horseradish."
"It brings out the flavor."
"I...don't...like...it."
"You...will...try...it."
I stared.
He stared.
I don't like to be bullied.
He wouldn't back down.
Irresistable force.
Immovable object.
Who would win?
Luckily, my superior intellect prevailed.
"It's that good?" I asked the guy.
"It's the best," he replied.
"OK then."
I took the horseradish.
The guy smiled.
He turned away...
...and I threw the horseradish in the trash.
Game.
Set.
Match.
Barich.
The moral of the story?
Next time, offer me au jus.
And then...we won't have a problem.
And now for this week's:
SIGN OF THE APOCALYPSE:
Longtime NFL quarterback and future Hall of Famer Brett Favre retired.
NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Do you like these blogs? Hate them? Somewhere in the middle? Leave me a comment and let me know. Your words keep me motivated...to write mine. :-)
---------------
Hey, guess what? I'm trying to make a living writing blogs about the dumb things of everyday life. How am I doing this? With the help of the folks at iBizTraining.com, an online training resource that shows you how to run your own online business (Online Training, Online Business. My God, it fits!!). Find out more at www.iBiztraining.com
The best sportswriters in the world are women (I have always said this). And the best in the world is none other than my girlfriend Ramona Shelburne, sports columnist for the Los Angeles Daily News. Read more about her at http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ramona_Shelburne
There's a high standard in today's fashion world. And no one meets that standard better than Spooles, which provides customers with high-quality purses and other accessories that are both affordable and trendy. Get trendy!! Go to www.spooles.com
There's a cowgirl inside every woman: Elusive, passionate, untamed (I wrote that myself!!). Elusive Cowgirl caters to the free spirit within you, priding themselves on a special line of high-quality products unique on its own yet tailored to fit your everyday style. Find your inner cowgirl: Visit www.elusivecowgirl.com
The laziest man in Earth…is blogging about it. Go to www.lazyhank.com and find out more.
No Thank You: Why Thank-You Cards Are a Barbaric Practice: A Nevin Barich Blog Experience
Tomorrow, my friend Reggie from college is getting married. Per his request, rather than getting him some fluffy sheets from Bad Bath & Beyond, or pots and pans from...
(well, from wherever you go to buy pots and pans. All my pots and pans were given to me by those who know where such items are sold).
Rather than give him any of that typical "wedding gift" stuff, I will be giving him and his soon-to-be wife cash.
In addition, I've planned one other gift.
"Don't bother writing me a thank-you card," I'm telling him in my little Hallmark greeting that is holding his cash. "It's not necessary. I know you're thankful. You don't need to take time writing me a card to tell me so."
See folks, here's the thing:
Thank-you cards are stupid.
There. I said it.
Think about it from both sides. From the "having to write these thank-you cards" perspective, THEY TAKE FOREVER!!! I mean, having to write a separate, personalized note to 100-plus people (most of whom you had to invite and, quite frankly, wouldn't care if you found out tomorrow that they got picked up by Tom Cruise and the Scientology Mothership) saying, "Thank you so much for (insert name of gift here) and for being a part of our special day. It wouldn't have been the same without you, blah blah blah."
And it's not like you can type these notes. You've got to write them out, with PENS!! Who writes these days? I'm considered a writer and the only thing I actually write are checks. I use a trusty keyboard, thank you very much. Excessive use of pen, pencils and paper is barbaric.
And then there are those who receive the thank-you cards.
Two-and-a-half years ago, my good friend Joe got married to an awesome woman named Kristy. A few weeks after the blessed event, I received a card from them thanking me from my lovely gift.
Kids, I bought them pot holders. POT HOLDERS!! I got them because they were on their registry, easy to carry and cheap. Joe and Kristy did not need to waste 10 minutes writing me a thank-you note telling me how much they love the pot holders. They're pot holders. How much can you possibly love them? I know they're lying. They know I'm not buying it. There's no reason to drag this out. Just take the pot holders, use them or don't use them, and let's all move on.
And then there's my favorite: Getting a thank-you note for something you had nothing to do with.
For example, this past Christmas my sister's best friend, April, gave birth to her first child. A couple weeks later, her and husband, Jay, sent me a card thanking me for the baby clothes I had gotten for them.
Now, the only reason why I was associated with the baby clothes was because my mom and sister put my name on the card. More importantly, April and Jay knew -- deep down -- that I had nothing to do with these baby clothes. And yet, because of this barbaric and archaic societal practice called "thank-you cards," they had to take time away from their newborn to write me a card thanking me for something that THEY KNEW I was not involved in. Meanwhile, I feel like a cheap, heartless schmuck reading a handwritten note thanking me for the impact in a baby's life that I never even made.
In short: Both sides suffer.
We, people, are the new generation. And I urge us to take a stand. No more thank-you cards. Unlike war protests, this is something we can actually win!! Be strong and say: No thanks.
And don't send me a thank-you card thanking me for this suggestion.
And now for this week's:
SIGN OF THE APOCALYPSE:
I was in Ralphs today doing some grocery shopping when I saw something at the register:
The Idiot's Guide To Prayer
Ninety-six pages on the right way to pray.
Now, people have been praying for centuries and, to my knowledge, have had no literature on how to do it up to this point. But if you're not sure of proper technique, or think your prayers might be better answered with a little how-to guide, then purchase:
The Idiot's Guide To Prayer
$2.95. At Ralphs.
(tax not included)
Do you like these blogs? Hate them? Somewhere in the middle? Leave me a comment and let me know. Your words keep me motivated...to write mine. :-)
----------------
Hey, guess what? I'm trying to make a living writing blogs about the dumb things of everyday life. How am I doing this? With the help of the folks at iBizTraining.com, an online training resource that shows you how to run your own online business (Online Training, Online Business. My God, it fits!!). Find out more at www.iBiztraining.com
The best sportswriters in the world are women (I have always said this). And the best in the world is none other than my girlfriend Ramona Shelburne, sports columnist for the Los Angeles Daily News. Read more about her at http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ramona_Shelburne
There's a high standard in today's fashion world. And no one meets that standard better than Spooles, which provides customers with high-quality purses and other accessories that are both affordable and trendy. Get trendy!! Go to www.spooles.com
There's a cowgirl inside every woman: Elusive, passionate, untamed (I wrote that myself!!). Elusive Cowgirl caters to the free spirit within you, priding themselves on a special line of high-quality products unique on its own yet tailored to fit your everyday style. Find your inner cowgirl: Visit www.elusivecowgirl.com
The laziest man in Earth…is blogging about it. Go to www.lazyhank.com and find out more.
(well, from wherever you go to buy pots and pans. All my pots and pans were given to me by those who know where such items are sold).
Rather than give him any of that typical "wedding gift" stuff, I will be giving him and his soon-to-be wife cash.
In addition, I've planned one other gift.
"Don't bother writing me a thank-you card," I'm telling him in my little Hallmark greeting that is holding his cash. "It's not necessary. I know you're thankful. You don't need to take time writing me a card to tell me so."
See folks, here's the thing:
Thank-you cards are stupid.
There. I said it.
Think about it from both sides. From the "having to write these thank-you cards" perspective, THEY TAKE FOREVER!!! I mean, having to write a separate, personalized note to 100-plus people (most of whom you had to invite and, quite frankly, wouldn't care if you found out tomorrow that they got picked up by Tom Cruise and the Scientology Mothership) saying, "Thank you so much for (insert name of gift here) and for being a part of our special day. It wouldn't have been the same without you, blah blah blah."
And it's not like you can type these notes. You've got to write them out, with PENS!! Who writes these days? I'm considered a writer and the only thing I actually write are checks. I use a trusty keyboard, thank you very much. Excessive use of pen, pencils and paper is barbaric.
And then there are those who receive the thank-you cards.
Two-and-a-half years ago, my good friend Joe got married to an awesome woman named Kristy. A few weeks after the blessed event, I received a card from them thanking me from my lovely gift.
Kids, I bought them pot holders. POT HOLDERS!! I got them because they were on their registry, easy to carry and cheap. Joe and Kristy did not need to waste 10 minutes writing me a thank-you note telling me how much they love the pot holders. They're pot holders. How much can you possibly love them? I know they're lying. They know I'm not buying it. There's no reason to drag this out. Just take the pot holders, use them or don't use them, and let's all move on.
And then there's my favorite: Getting a thank-you note for something you had nothing to do with.
For example, this past Christmas my sister's best friend, April, gave birth to her first child. A couple weeks later, her and husband, Jay, sent me a card thanking me for the baby clothes I had gotten for them.
Now, the only reason why I was associated with the baby clothes was because my mom and sister put my name on the card. More importantly, April and Jay knew -- deep down -- that I had nothing to do with these baby clothes. And yet, because of this barbaric and archaic societal practice called "thank-you cards," they had to take time away from their newborn to write me a card thanking me for something that THEY KNEW I was not involved in. Meanwhile, I feel like a cheap, heartless schmuck reading a handwritten note thanking me for the impact in a baby's life that I never even made.
In short: Both sides suffer.
We, people, are the new generation. And I urge us to take a stand. No more thank-you cards. Unlike war protests, this is something we can actually win!! Be strong and say: No thanks.
And don't send me a thank-you card thanking me for this suggestion.
And now for this week's:
SIGN OF THE APOCALYPSE:
I was in Ralphs today doing some grocery shopping when I saw something at the register:
The Idiot's Guide To Prayer
Ninety-six pages on the right way to pray.
Now, people have been praying for centuries and, to my knowledge, have had no literature on how to do it up to this point. But if you're not sure of proper technique, or think your prayers might be better answered with a little how-to guide, then purchase:
The Idiot's Guide To Prayer
$2.95. At Ralphs.
(tax not included)
Do you like these blogs? Hate them? Somewhere in the middle? Leave me a comment and let me know. Your words keep me motivated...to write mine. :-)
----------------
Hey, guess what? I'm trying to make a living writing blogs about the dumb things of everyday life. How am I doing this? With the help of the folks at iBizTraining.com, an online training resource that shows you how to run your own online business (Online Training, Online Business. My God, it fits!!). Find out more at www.iBiztraining.com
The best sportswriters in the world are women (I have always said this). And the best in the world is none other than my girlfriend Ramona Shelburne, sports columnist for the Los Angeles Daily News. Read more about her at http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ramona_Shelburne
There's a high standard in today's fashion world. And no one meets that standard better than Spooles, which provides customers with high-quality purses and other accessories that are both affordable and trendy. Get trendy!! Go to www.spooles.com
There's a cowgirl inside every woman: Elusive, passionate, untamed (I wrote that myself!!). Elusive Cowgirl caters to the free spirit within you, priding themselves on a special line of high-quality products unique on its own yet tailored to fit your everyday style. Find your inner cowgirl: Visit www.elusivecowgirl.com
The laziest man in Earth…is blogging about it. Go to www.lazyhank.com and find out more.
The Prices You Pay For Eating In A "Civilized" Restaurant: A Nevin Barich Blog Experience
My dad and I have different tastes when it comes to food. He likes fancy cuisine, while I'm a grease monkey. He likes to "dine," while I eat on the run.
Well recently, while meeting up for lunch, he insisted we go to a place that was more to his taste. So I met him near his neck of the woods at Pacific Dining Car in L.A.'s Westside, a "fine-dining establishment that has withstood the test of time," according to my dad.
The Pacific Dining Car, the elder Barich says, offers a fine-dining experience unlike any other. It's ambience offers calm and reflection, its furniture is distinguished and the finest in comfort, its service is impeccable, the silverware is spotless, and it's one of the last places in the nation that offer afternoon tea.
"In short," Bob Barich says, "it's a civilized place for civilized people."
Riiiight. And here are some of their "civilized" prices:
---Two scrambled eggs: $13.95
(If you want just one egg, subtract 95 cents.)
---Cheeseburger: $20.95
---Chinese Chicken Salad: $28.95
("For that price, the salad better be served by hot Asian geishas in thin silked robes," I told my dad.)
---Steak Salad: $31.95
---Rib-Eye Steak: $43.95
("Is the steak at least sprinkled with solid gold flakes?" I asked.)
And finally, if you actually wanted afternoon tea...
"$19.95!?!" I exclaimed to my dad.
He sighed.
"Nevin, they give you your choice of tea," he said. "Remember: it's civilized."
Personally, if that's considered civilized, I'd rather walk into Carls Jr., pay $1.99 for a famous star, and have a beer bottle smashed over my head on the way out.
But that's just me.
And now for this week's:
SIGN OF THE APOCALYPSE
Earlier this week, I saw the following commercial on TV:
When the feeling of love is stronger than you ever thought possible, make sure the opportunity doesn't pass you by.
K-Y Personal Lubricant.
Take advantage.
Damn.
I mean...
Damn.
Do you like these blogs? Hate them? Somewhere in the middle? Leave me a comment and let me know. Your words keep me motivated...to write mine. :-)
--------------
Hey, guess what? I'm trying to make a living writing blogs about the dumb things of everyday life. How am I doing this? With the help of the folks at iBizTraining.com, an online training resource that shows you how to run your own online business (Online Training, Online Business. My God, it fits!!). Find out more at www.iBiztraining.com
The best sportswriters in the world are women (I have always said this). And the best in the world is none other than my girlfriend Ramona Shelburne, sports columnist for the Los Angeles Daily News. Read more about her at http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ramona_Shelburne
There's a high standard in today's fashion world. And no one meets that standard better than Spooles, which provides customers with high-quality purses and other accessories that are both affordable and trendy. Get trendy!! Go to www.spooles.com
There's a cowgirl inside every woman: Elusive, passionate, untamed (I wrote that myself!!). Elusive Cowgirl caters to the free spirit within you, priding themselves on a special line of high-quality products unique on its own yet tailored to fit your everyday style. Find your inner cowgirl: Visit www.elusivecowgirl.com
The laziest man in Earth…is blogging about it. Go to www.lazyhank.com and find out more
Well recently, while meeting up for lunch, he insisted we go to a place that was more to his taste. So I met him near his neck of the woods at Pacific Dining Car in L.A.'s Westside, a "fine-dining establishment that has withstood the test of time," according to my dad.
The Pacific Dining Car, the elder Barich says, offers a fine-dining experience unlike any other. It's ambience offers calm and reflection, its furniture is distinguished and the finest in comfort, its service is impeccable, the silverware is spotless, and it's one of the last places in the nation that offer afternoon tea.
"In short," Bob Barich says, "it's a civilized place for civilized people."
Riiiight. And here are some of their "civilized" prices:
---Two scrambled eggs: $13.95
(If you want just one egg, subtract 95 cents.)
---Cheeseburger: $20.95
---Chinese Chicken Salad: $28.95
("For that price, the salad better be served by hot Asian geishas in thin silked robes," I told my dad.)
---Steak Salad: $31.95
---Rib-Eye Steak: $43.95
("Is the steak at least sprinkled with solid gold flakes?" I asked.)
And finally, if you actually wanted afternoon tea...
"$19.95!?!" I exclaimed to my dad.
He sighed.
"Nevin, they give you your choice of tea," he said. "Remember: it's civilized."
Personally, if that's considered civilized, I'd rather walk into Carls Jr., pay $1.99 for a famous star, and have a beer bottle smashed over my head on the way out.
But that's just me.
And now for this week's:
SIGN OF THE APOCALYPSE
Earlier this week, I saw the following commercial on TV:
When the feeling of love is stronger than you ever thought possible, make sure the opportunity doesn't pass you by.
K-Y Personal Lubricant.
Take advantage.
Damn.
I mean...
Damn.
Do you like these blogs? Hate them? Somewhere in the middle? Leave me a comment and let me know. Your words keep me motivated...to write mine. :-)
--------------
Hey, guess what? I'm trying to make a living writing blogs about the dumb things of everyday life. How am I doing this? With the help of the folks at iBizTraining.com, an online training resource that shows you how to run your own online business (Online Training, Online Business. My God, it fits!!). Find out more at www.iBiztraining.com
The best sportswriters in the world are women (I have always said this). And the best in the world is none other than my girlfriend Ramona Shelburne, sports columnist for the Los Angeles Daily News. Read more about her at http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ramona_Shelburne
There's a high standard in today's fashion world. And no one meets that standard better than Spooles, which provides customers with high-quality purses and other accessories that are both affordable and trendy. Get trendy!! Go to www.spooles.com
There's a cowgirl inside every woman: Elusive, passionate, untamed (I wrote that myself!!). Elusive Cowgirl caters to the free spirit within you, priding themselves on a special line of high-quality products unique on its own yet tailored to fit your everyday style. Find your inner cowgirl: Visit www.elusivecowgirl.com
The laziest man in Earth…is blogging about it. Go to www.lazyhank.com and find out more
Fighting Del Taco For My Correct Change So I Can Do The Laundry: A Nevin Barich Blog Experience
OK, I respect everyone who works in the food services industry. I really do. It is a thankless industry, one filled with long hours, low pay and having to be bossed around by 18-year-old pimple-faced managers who hide their insecurities by belittling their employees so that they can feel important.
But this story just has to be told.
This morning, I went down to Del Taco to get my usual breakfast fare: A macho bacon-and-egg burrito with extra bacon and extra cheese...
(by the way, I used to order this burrito so often in college that when I would walk in, the workers would literally say: "Hey Nev. The usual?")
Anyways, so I order the Nevin special and the woman charges me $4.50. I hand the lady a $20 bill...
...and she hands me $15 change.
Now, I'm a wiz at basic math. Have been since I was a kid. So I knew right away that I was owed 50 additional cents. And getting this 50 cents was important to me because I need quarters to do the laundry. People who live in apartments know exactly where I'm coming from.
"Excuse me," I said to the lady. "I believe you owe me 50 more cents."
She came to me. I showed her the receipt.
She looked back at me. No response.
"As you can see," I tried again, pointing at the receipt, "you charged me $4.50 and I gave you a $20. 20 minus 4.50 = 15.50. You only gave me $15. You owe me 50 cents."
And then I showed her the three $5 bills she had already given me.
She stared back at me.
"I gave you $15," she said.
"Right!! Right!!" I replied, emboldened by the fact that we were now making progress. "And now, you just owe me 50 more cents."
Long pause.
"No," she said. "I gave you $15 change."
We were now back to square 1.
"But if you would just look at the receipt, which has no reason to lie to you," I said, "you could clearly see that I am still owed 50 cents."
No reply.
"It's simple math."
No response.
"Just type the numbers into the cash register, and it will do the figuring for you!!"
Nothing.
Now, at this point you might be asking yourself: "Nev, why didn't you just let it go? It's only 50 cents." But I had already come this far. And I've got laundry piling up, damn it!!
"Lady," I said, exasperated, you owe me 50 cents. Please give me my quarters."
"Uh, I think I'd better get the manager," she said.
My God. Are you fuckin' serious? We actually have to get the boss to get me my correct change?
Luckily, the manager quickly caught on. I showed him the receipt, the three $5s and he quickly understood that I was due more change.
So he reached into the cash register...
...and handed me five dimes.
Laundry machines don't take dimes.
"Um, excuse me," I said, "can I get quarters instead?"
"Sorry sir," the manager said, "we're out of quarters."
Figures.
Next time, I'm going to Carl's Jr. for my breakfast needs.
They serve burgers for breakfast.
And...they have quarters.
-----------------
And now, I'd like to introduce a new weekly blog feature entitled:
SIGN OF THE APOCALYPSE
In this segment, we mention things that make it clear that our way of life, as we know it, is over.
In this week's SOTA:
I was at work the other day and walked by a female co-worker who was at her computer.
"What's going on?" I asked her.
Her reply:
"I'm ordering English muffins online."
Wow.
Do you like these blogs? Hate them? Somewhere in the middle? Leave me a comment and let me know. Your words keep me motivated...to write mine. :-)
---------------
Hey, guess what? I'm trying to make a living writing blogs about the dumb things of everyday life. How am I doing this? With the help of the folks at iBizTraining.com, an online training resource that shows you how to run your own online business (Online Training, Online Business. My God, it fits!!). Find out more at www.iBiztraining.com
The best sportswriters in the world are women (I have always said this). And the best in the world is none other than my girlfriend Ramona Shelburne, sports columnist for the Los Angeles Daily News. Read more about her at http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ramona_Shelburne
There's a high standard in today's fashion world. And no one meets that standard better than Spooles, which provides customers with high-quality purses and other accessories that are both affordable and trendy. Get trendy!! Go to www.spooles.com
There's a cowgirl inside every woman: Elusive, passionate, untamed (I wrote that myself!!). Elusive Cowgirl caters to the free spirit within you, priding themselves on a special line of high-quality products unique on its own yet tailored to fit your everyday style. Find your inner cowgirl: Visit www.elusivecowgirl.com
The laziest man in Earth…is blogging about it. Go to www.lazyhank.com and find out more.
But this story just has to be told.
This morning, I went down to Del Taco to get my usual breakfast fare: A macho bacon-and-egg burrito with extra bacon and extra cheese...
(by the way, I used to order this burrito so often in college that when I would walk in, the workers would literally say: "Hey Nev. The usual?")
Anyways, so I order the Nevin special and the woman charges me $4.50. I hand the lady a $20 bill...
...and she hands me $15 change.
Now, I'm a wiz at basic math. Have been since I was a kid. So I knew right away that I was owed 50 additional cents. And getting this 50 cents was important to me because I need quarters to do the laundry. People who live in apartments know exactly where I'm coming from.
"Excuse me," I said to the lady. "I believe you owe me 50 more cents."
She came to me. I showed her the receipt.
She looked back at me. No response.
"As you can see," I tried again, pointing at the receipt, "you charged me $4.50 and I gave you a $20. 20 minus 4.50 = 15.50. You only gave me $15. You owe me 50 cents."
And then I showed her the three $5 bills she had already given me.
She stared back at me.
"I gave you $15," she said.
"Right!! Right!!" I replied, emboldened by the fact that we were now making progress. "And now, you just owe me 50 more cents."
Long pause.
"No," she said. "I gave you $15 change."
We were now back to square 1.
"But if you would just look at the receipt, which has no reason to lie to you," I said, "you could clearly see that I am still owed 50 cents."
No reply.
"It's simple math."
No response.
"Just type the numbers into the cash register, and it will do the figuring for you!!"
Nothing.
Now, at this point you might be asking yourself: "Nev, why didn't you just let it go? It's only 50 cents." But I had already come this far. And I've got laundry piling up, damn it!!
"Lady," I said, exasperated, you owe me 50 cents. Please give me my quarters."
"Uh, I think I'd better get the manager," she said.
My God. Are you fuckin' serious? We actually have to get the boss to get me my correct change?
Luckily, the manager quickly caught on. I showed him the receipt, the three $5s and he quickly understood that I was due more change.
So he reached into the cash register...
...and handed me five dimes.
Laundry machines don't take dimes.
"Um, excuse me," I said, "can I get quarters instead?"
"Sorry sir," the manager said, "we're out of quarters."
Figures.
Next time, I'm going to Carl's Jr. for my breakfast needs.
They serve burgers for breakfast.
And...they have quarters.
-----------------
And now, I'd like to introduce a new weekly blog feature entitled:
SIGN OF THE APOCALYPSE
In this segment, we mention things that make it clear that our way of life, as we know it, is over.
In this week's SOTA:
I was at work the other day and walked by a female co-worker who was at her computer.
"What's going on?" I asked her.
Her reply:
"I'm ordering English muffins online."
Wow.
Do you like these blogs? Hate them? Somewhere in the middle? Leave me a comment and let me know. Your words keep me motivated...to write mine. :-)
---------------
Hey, guess what? I'm trying to make a living writing blogs about the dumb things of everyday life. How am I doing this? With the help of the folks at iBizTraining.com, an online training resource that shows you how to run your own online business (Online Training, Online Business. My God, it fits!!). Find out more at www.iBiztraining.com
The best sportswriters in the world are women (I have always said this). And the best in the world is none other than my girlfriend Ramona Shelburne, sports columnist for the Los Angeles Daily News. Read more about her at http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ramona_Shelburne
There's a high standard in today's fashion world. And no one meets that standard better than Spooles, which provides customers with high-quality purses and other accessories that are both affordable and trendy. Get trendy!! Go to www.spooles.com
There's a cowgirl inside every woman: Elusive, passionate, untamed (I wrote that myself!!). Elusive Cowgirl caters to the free spirit within you, priding themselves on a special line of high-quality products unique on its own yet tailored to fit your everyday style. Find your inner cowgirl: Visit www.elusivecowgirl.com
The laziest man in Earth…is blogging about it. Go to www.lazyhank.com and find out more.
The Bane Of All Male Existence (a.k.a. Valentine’s Day): A Nevin Barich Blog Experience
This Thursday marks one of the most painful days of the year in the life of the non-single man. It's a day we dread, a day we fear, a day that makes us sag our shoulders at the mere thought.
They call this horror of horrors: Valentine's Day.
Now, all the men reading this know exactly where I'm coming from, nodding and thinking, "Amen, my brother. The truth must finally be told." So it's to you, female audience of Nevin's blogs, that I'm speaking to today.
If a man has a girlfriend, fiancee or wife, he despises Valentine's Day. Why?
1) Money. When Valentine's Day is over, the man's wallet is going to be a couple of hundred dollars less (and that's IF the woman in question is easy to please). Flowers, candy, dinner...everything is jacked up price-wise on this Hallmark-created holiday. And businesses know that a man can't skimp on the festivities, lest he do so at his own peril. I once suggested to a former girlfriend that we go to Dennys on Feb. 14 and that she pretend to be 56 in order to get the senior citizen price on the pancakes.
The idea didn't fly.
So businesses charge their exorbitant fees on Valentine's Day and laugh to themselves, knowing that they've got us by the balls.
2) Pressure. Here's an interesting observation I've made over the last several Valentine's Days. Giving in and paying $50 for $10 roses is no longer good enough. Today's women want something different, special, something that sets them apart from their girlfriends. It's like the man is caught in the middle of a female pissing contest.
So not only does the man have to shell out a lot of money, but now he's expected to put in some thought? What are we supposed to do? Learn the guitar and write you a love song? Take you to the circus and arrange to be shot out of a cannon while we scream "I love you" as we go soaring over the horizon? Buy you a car?
Money and thought? C'mon!!
3) It's not fair. I saw a jewelry commercial the other day with the tagline, "This Valentine's Day, show her how much you care." Well, where's the "show him" commercials? When was it decided that Valentine's Day was only about one gender? When did men get left out in the cold? Do we not have some sort of role in the whole "couples" concept?
All I want is for there to be a commercial for me. How about: "On Valentine's Day, show him you care: Madden 2008 for the Playstation 2." Is that too much to ask?
So, non-single ladies, I'd like to end with this: If on Valentine's Day, your man did not step up to your expectations, remember: It's not that he doesn't love you...
...it's that he can't afford you.
BTW: My girlfriend just asked me what I'm doing. I said, I"m writing a MySpace blog about Valentine's Day." And she said: "Yay!!"
I wonder if she'll sing the same tune after she reads it. :-)
Do you like these blogs? Hate them? Somewhere in the middle? Leave me a comment and let me know. Your words keep me motivated...to write mine. :-)
---------------
Hey, guess what? I'm trying to make a living writing blogs about the dumb things of everyday life. How am I doing this? With the help of the folks at iBizTraining.com, an online training resource that shows you how to run your own online business (Online Training, Online Business. My God, it fits!!). Find out more at http://www.ibiztraining.com/
The best sportswriters in the world are women (I have always said this). And the best in the world is none other than my girlfriend Ramona Shelburne, sports columnist for the Los Angeles Daily News. Read more about her at http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ramona_Shelburne
There's a high standard in today's fashion world. And no one meets that standard better than Spooles, which provides customers with high-quality purses and other accessories that are both affordable and trendy. Get trendy!! Go to http://www.spooles.com/
There's a cowgirl inside every woman: Elusive, passionate, untamed (I wrote that myself!!). Elusive Cowgirl caters to the free spirit within you, priding themselves on a special line of high-quality products unique on its own yet tailored to fit your everyday style. Find your inner cowgirl: Visit http://www.elusivecowgirl.com/
The laziest man in Earth…is blogging about it. Go to www.lazyhank.com and find out more.
They call this horror of horrors: Valentine's Day.
Now, all the men reading this know exactly where I'm coming from, nodding and thinking, "Amen, my brother. The truth must finally be told." So it's to you, female audience of Nevin's blogs, that I'm speaking to today.
If a man has a girlfriend, fiancee or wife, he despises Valentine's Day. Why?
1) Money. When Valentine's Day is over, the man's wallet is going to be a couple of hundred dollars less (and that's IF the woman in question is easy to please). Flowers, candy, dinner...everything is jacked up price-wise on this Hallmark-created holiday. And businesses know that a man can't skimp on the festivities, lest he do so at his own peril. I once suggested to a former girlfriend that we go to Dennys on Feb. 14 and that she pretend to be 56 in order to get the senior citizen price on the pancakes.
The idea didn't fly.
So businesses charge their exorbitant fees on Valentine's Day and laugh to themselves, knowing that they've got us by the balls.
2) Pressure. Here's an interesting observation I've made over the last several Valentine's Days. Giving in and paying $50 for $10 roses is no longer good enough. Today's women want something different, special, something that sets them apart from their girlfriends. It's like the man is caught in the middle of a female pissing contest.
So not only does the man have to shell out a lot of money, but now he's expected to put in some thought? What are we supposed to do? Learn the guitar and write you a love song? Take you to the circus and arrange to be shot out of a cannon while we scream "I love you" as we go soaring over the horizon? Buy you a car?
Money and thought? C'mon!!
3) It's not fair. I saw a jewelry commercial the other day with the tagline, "This Valentine's Day, show her how much you care." Well, where's the "show him" commercials? When was it decided that Valentine's Day was only about one gender? When did men get left out in the cold? Do we not have some sort of role in the whole "couples" concept?
All I want is for there to be a commercial for me. How about: "On Valentine's Day, show him you care: Madden 2008 for the Playstation 2." Is that too much to ask?
So, non-single ladies, I'd like to end with this: If on Valentine's Day, your man did not step up to your expectations, remember: It's not that he doesn't love you...
...it's that he can't afford you.
BTW: My girlfriend just asked me what I'm doing. I said, I"m writing a MySpace blog about Valentine's Day." And she said: "Yay!!"
I wonder if she'll sing the same tune after she reads it. :-)
Do you like these blogs? Hate them? Somewhere in the middle? Leave me a comment and let me know. Your words keep me motivated...to write mine. :-)
---------------
Hey, guess what? I'm trying to make a living writing blogs about the dumb things of everyday life. How am I doing this? With the help of the folks at iBizTraining.com, an online training resource that shows you how to run your own online business (Online Training, Online Business. My God, it fits!!). Find out more at http://www.ibiztraining.com/
The best sportswriters in the world are women (I have always said this). And the best in the world is none other than my girlfriend Ramona Shelburne, sports columnist for the Los Angeles Daily News. Read more about her at http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ramona_Shelburne
There's a high standard in today's fashion world. And no one meets that standard better than Spooles, which provides customers with high-quality purses and other accessories that are both affordable and trendy. Get trendy!! Go to http://www.spooles.com/
There's a cowgirl inside every woman: Elusive, passionate, untamed (I wrote that myself!!). Elusive Cowgirl caters to the free spirit within you, priding themselves on a special line of high-quality products unique on its own yet tailored to fit your everyday style. Find your inner cowgirl: Visit http://www.elusivecowgirl.com/
The laziest man in Earth…is blogging about it. Go to www.lazyhank.com and find out more.
The De-Evolution Of Super Bowl Parties: A Nevin Barich Blog Experience
When I was growing up, we watched the Super Bowl on Super Bowl Sunday.
Let me say that again.
When I was growing up, we watched the Super Bowl on Super Bowl Sunday.
As in, we watched the game. We had a vested interest in the outcome. We knew what was going on. We knew which teams were actually playing.
Many of you (myself included) will be going to a Super Bowl party tomorrow. I was speaking to several of my co-workers yesterday, and here were some of their Super Bowl comments:
I don't even like football that much.
I'm just going for the commercials.
Who is playing again?
I'm making hummus!!
My point is: Somewhere along the line, the dynamics of Super Bowl parties changed. It no longer became about the game. It was about being trendy, with it, a part of the scene.
When you go to your event tomorrow, 90 percent of the people present will be there simply because "it's the thing to do." And the 10 percent who actually want to focus on the game will be forced to listen to things like, "Why are they wearing blue uniforms? It clashes with their helmets."
And let me say something about the food.
When I was a kid, Super Bowl parties consisted of three things:
Pizza.
Chips.
Coke.
Simple. Direct. Manly.
With today's Super Bowl parties, it's like being on an episode of Iron Chef. Homemade brownies. Sweet and sour chicken. Chex.
(Freakin' Chex.)
And no more Coke, folks. Because God forbid we should have regular soda and all those empty calories. Diet coke is now the beverage of choice.
And pizza?
"Oh God, that's so 1980s!!" I heard someone recently declare.
And then there's my personal favorite: The veggie tray.
Because at one point, some patrons of these parties who had never seen a football in their lives were aghast that there were no healthy vegatables at these things and bitched and moaned until someone raced out to the market and got a veggie tray just to shut them up.
And because of that, veggie trays and the Super Bowl are now linked. For better or worse.
I was asked to bring a veggie tray this year. The cost: $10.
$10 for a couple of carrots and a teensy bit of special "veggie dip" that's...green.
Oh well.
At least veggie trays are American.
Unlike hummus.
---------------
Hey, guess what? I'm trying to make a living writing blogs about the dumb things of everyday life. How am I doing this? With the help of the folks at iBizTraining.com, an online training resource that shows you how to run your own online business (Online Training, Online Business. My God, it fits!!). Find out more at www.iBiztraining.com
The best sportswriters in the world are women (I have always said this). And the best in the world is none other than my girlfriend Ramona Shelburne, sports columnist for the Los Angeles Daily News. Read more about her at http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ramona_Shelburne
There's a high standard in today's fashion world. And no one meets that standard better than Spooles, which provides customers with high-quality purses and other accessories that are both affordable and trendy. Get trendy!! Go to www.spooles.com
There's a cowgirl inside every woman: Elusive, passionate, untamed (I wrote that myself!!). Elusive Cowgirl caters to the free spirit within you, priding themselves on a special line of high-quality products unique on its own yet tailored to fit your everyday style. Find your inner cowgirl: Visit www.elusivecowgirl.com
The laziest man in Earth…is blogging about it. Go to www.lazyhank.com and find out more.
Let me say that again.
When I was growing up, we watched the Super Bowl on Super Bowl Sunday.
As in, we watched the game. We had a vested interest in the outcome. We knew what was going on. We knew which teams were actually playing.
Many of you (myself included) will be going to a Super Bowl party tomorrow. I was speaking to several of my co-workers yesterday, and here were some of their Super Bowl comments:
I don't even like football that much.
I'm just going for the commercials.
Who is playing again?
I'm making hummus!!
My point is: Somewhere along the line, the dynamics of Super Bowl parties changed. It no longer became about the game. It was about being trendy, with it, a part of the scene.
When you go to your event tomorrow, 90 percent of the people present will be there simply because "it's the thing to do." And the 10 percent who actually want to focus on the game will be forced to listen to things like, "Why are they wearing blue uniforms? It clashes with their helmets."
And let me say something about the food.
When I was a kid, Super Bowl parties consisted of three things:
Pizza.
Chips.
Coke.
Simple. Direct. Manly.
With today's Super Bowl parties, it's like being on an episode of Iron Chef. Homemade brownies. Sweet and sour chicken. Chex.
(Freakin' Chex.)
And no more Coke, folks. Because God forbid we should have regular soda and all those empty calories. Diet coke is now the beverage of choice.
And pizza?
"Oh God, that's so 1980s!!" I heard someone recently declare.
And then there's my personal favorite: The veggie tray.
Because at one point, some patrons of these parties who had never seen a football in their lives were aghast that there were no healthy vegatables at these things and bitched and moaned until someone raced out to the market and got a veggie tray just to shut them up.
And because of that, veggie trays and the Super Bowl are now linked. For better or worse.
I was asked to bring a veggie tray this year. The cost: $10.
$10 for a couple of carrots and a teensy bit of special "veggie dip" that's...green.
Oh well.
At least veggie trays are American.
Unlike hummus.
---------------
Hey, guess what? I'm trying to make a living writing blogs about the dumb things of everyday life. How am I doing this? With the help of the folks at iBizTraining.com, an online training resource that shows you how to run your own online business (Online Training, Online Business. My God, it fits!!). Find out more at www.iBiztraining.com
The best sportswriters in the world are women (I have always said this). And the best in the world is none other than my girlfriend Ramona Shelburne, sports columnist for the Los Angeles Daily News. Read more about her at http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ramona_Shelburne
There's a high standard in today's fashion world. And no one meets that standard better than Spooles, which provides customers with high-quality purses and other accessories that are both affordable and trendy. Get trendy!! Go to www.spooles.com
There's a cowgirl inside every woman: Elusive, passionate, untamed (I wrote that myself!!). Elusive Cowgirl caters to the free spirit within you, priding themselves on a special line of high-quality products unique on its own yet tailored to fit your everyday style. Find your inner cowgirl: Visit www.elusivecowgirl.com
The laziest man in Earth…is blogging about it. Go to www.lazyhank.com and find out more.
Beverly Hills 90210: How It Showed Us The Way: A Nevin Barich Blog Experience
Recently, I watched an episode of Beverly Hills 90210. If you watch the show today, it's ridiculously dated but ridiculously hilarious. Here's a recap of the episode I watched, from Season 1:
--------------
Steve and Brandon are trying out for the basketball team. Steve, being the spoiled brat that he is, thinks he's a shoo-in for the team even though he sucks. Brandon, meanwhile, who doesn't even get to participate in the tryout until almost the end, plays really well because, you know, he's from Minnesota and Minnesotans believe in hard work.
--------------
Kelly is trying to convince Brenda to sneak out of the house ON A WEEKNIGHT () to go to some concert with a couple of rich kids who are renting a limo.
Kelly: Puh-lease???
Brenda: Kelly, I can't. I'll never pull it off. I'm the worst liar.
Kelly: (huffing) Fine.
And then she retreats to Brandon and Brenda's shared bathroom, where Kelly spies on Brandon playing basketball in his room. Brandon eventually sees her, and Kelly gives him a knowing smile.
-----------------
This leads me to Tangent 1: Why didn't my sister have hot friends like Kelly to spy on me in my bedroom and give me knowing smiles while I was growing up? I would've reflected on my childhood with a lot more reverance.
----------------
Speaking of hot girls like Kelly, I singlehandedly have to thank Beverly Hills 90210 for getting girls out of that "baggy sweater" phase that dominated the late 80s and early 90s. I mean, no offense, but that look just was not sexy. But when 90210 came along, girls like Kelly dressed in more revealing clothing, and girls who watched the show followed suit, making high school and college better for guys like me. Thank you, 90210, for your contribution to society.
----------------
Steve gets cut from the basketball team while Brandon is still alive. Steve then goes on a tangent against the black people of the team. I have a feeling these racial undertones will be setting the tone for the rest of the show.
----------------
Brandon and Brenda are having dinner with parents Jim and Cindy, and Jim is giving Brandon the typical "father-son" sports pep talk:
Brandon: It's really tough, Dad.
Jim: Don't psyche yourself out, son. If you work hard and have a winning attitude, good things will come. Just do your best, son. That's all anyone can ask.
Brenda and Cindy roll their eyes, but Brandon and I hang on every word. It's a father-son thing.
----------------
Oh hell yeah!! Dad Jim is bustin' out his photos from his high school basketball team.
Jim: Rollins was a great shooter, Simpson was quick as a bug, and I wasn't so bad myself. We weren't the greatest bunch of players in the world, but we played as a team. And that's why we beat Franklin to win the state championship. We didn't have the most talent, but we had a lot of heart.
Again, Brandon and I are hanging on every word.
------------------
Brenda decides not to sneak out to go to the concert. However, during the night Kelly calls.
Kelly: The guys puked in the limo. You have to come get me.
Brenda: You know I don't have my California driver's license.
Kelly: Please? You're my best friend.
Brenda: I am!?!
Brenda then steals Brandon's car and starts driving to Melrose. Wow, didn't see that coming.
---------------
I think Steve hates blacks now.
Steve: I was at the Lakers-Celtics game last night.
Brandon: Oh man!! How was Magic? (black)
Steve: Magic was Magic, but Bird (white) was awesome. And McHale (white) was unstoppable.
Brandon: Wait, I thought you were a Laker fan.
Steve: Us Irish guys have to stick together, pal.
Yep, Steve hates blacks.
----------------
Brandon made another cut for the basketball team, and now it's down to him and a black guy. Brandon is suspicious.
Brandon: You go to class?
Black Guy: Up yours, whitey!!
(note: I'm paraphrasing, but you get the idea).
-------------
Brenda has run out of gas.
--------------
Jim is about to bust out another inspirational sports speech, which leads me to:
Tangent 2: Why couldn't my dad give me these inspirational talks during my sports days? I can think of a time or two when a "Bob Barich busting out the pictures of his old high school sports glory days" moment would've helped.
----------------
Brandon apologizes to black guy. Black guy accepts. Brandon is no longer racist. That's good.
----------------
Brenda starts walking to find a tow truck guy (this is during the pre-cell phone era), finds one, and then finds out the car was stolen when she comes back.
Brenda: And I don't even have my license!!
Tow Truck Guy: These things happen.
Brenda: You don't understand: My parents will kill me.
Tow Truck Guy: These things happen.
Gotta love 1990s dialogue.
--------------------
The black guy beats out Brandon for the team. I saw that coming.
-------------------
Steve still hates blacks.
Steve: Don't let those guys get to you, Brandon. This is our school.
Brandon: No Steve, this is everyone's school.
Black guy hears all this, and gives Brandon a smile. Racial harmony music plays.
------------------
Brandon tells father Jim that he didn't make the basketball team.
Jim: You did your best, son, and that's all that matters. I'm proud of you. And if you work hard, next year we'll make it.
Me and Brandon hang on every word.
No wonder this show was on for 10 years!!
--------------
Hey, guess what? I'm trying to make a living writing blogs about the dumb things of everyday life. How am I doing this? With the help of the folks at iBizTraining.com, an online training resource that shows you how to run your own online business (Online Training, Online Business. My God, it fits!!). Find out more at www.iBiztraining.com
The best sportswriters in the world are women (I have always said this). And the best in the world is none other than my girlfriend Ramona Shelburne, sports columnist for the Los Angeles Daily News. Read more about her at http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ramona_Shelburne
There's a high standard in today's fashion world. And no one meets that standard better than Spooles, which provides customers with high-quality purses and other accessories that are both affordable and trendy. Get trendy!! Go to www.spooles.com
There's a cowgirl inside every woman: Elusive, passionate, untamed (I wrote that myself!!). Elusive Cowgirl caters to the free spirit within you, priding themselves on a special line of high-quality products unique on its own yet tailored to fit your everyday style. Find your inner cowgirl: Visit www.elusivecowgirl.com
The laziest man in Earth…is blogging about it. Go to www.lazyhank.com and find out more.
--------------
Steve and Brandon are trying out for the basketball team. Steve, being the spoiled brat that he is, thinks he's a shoo-in for the team even though he sucks. Brandon, meanwhile, who doesn't even get to participate in the tryout until almost the end, plays really well because, you know, he's from Minnesota and Minnesotans believe in hard work.
--------------
Kelly is trying to convince Brenda to sneak out of the house ON A WEEKNIGHT () to go to some concert with a couple of rich kids who are renting a limo.
Kelly: Puh-lease???
Brenda: Kelly, I can't. I'll never pull it off. I'm the worst liar.
Kelly: (huffing) Fine.
And then she retreats to Brandon and Brenda's shared bathroom, where Kelly spies on Brandon playing basketball in his room. Brandon eventually sees her, and Kelly gives him a knowing smile.
-----------------
This leads me to Tangent 1: Why didn't my sister have hot friends like Kelly to spy on me in my bedroom and give me knowing smiles while I was growing up? I would've reflected on my childhood with a lot more reverance.
----------------
Speaking of hot girls like Kelly, I singlehandedly have to thank Beverly Hills 90210 for getting girls out of that "baggy sweater" phase that dominated the late 80s and early 90s. I mean, no offense, but that look just was not sexy. But when 90210 came along, girls like Kelly dressed in more revealing clothing, and girls who watched the show followed suit, making high school and college better for guys like me. Thank you, 90210, for your contribution to society.
----------------
Steve gets cut from the basketball team while Brandon is still alive. Steve then goes on a tangent against the black people of the team. I have a feeling these racial undertones will be setting the tone for the rest of the show.
----------------
Brandon and Brenda are having dinner with parents Jim and Cindy, and Jim is giving Brandon the typical "father-son" sports pep talk:
Brandon: It's really tough, Dad.
Jim: Don't psyche yourself out, son. If you work hard and have a winning attitude, good things will come. Just do your best, son. That's all anyone can ask.
Brenda and Cindy roll their eyes, but Brandon and I hang on every word. It's a father-son thing.
----------------
Oh hell yeah!! Dad Jim is bustin' out his photos from his high school basketball team.
Jim: Rollins was a great shooter, Simpson was quick as a bug, and I wasn't so bad myself. We weren't the greatest bunch of players in the world, but we played as a team. And that's why we beat Franklin to win the state championship. We didn't have the most talent, but we had a lot of heart.
Again, Brandon and I are hanging on every word.
------------------
Brenda decides not to sneak out to go to the concert. However, during the night Kelly calls.
Kelly: The guys puked in the limo. You have to come get me.
Brenda: You know I don't have my California driver's license.
Kelly: Please? You're my best friend.
Brenda: I am!?!
Brenda then steals Brandon's car and starts driving to Melrose. Wow, didn't see that coming.
---------------
I think Steve hates blacks now.
Steve: I was at the Lakers-Celtics game last night.
Brandon: Oh man!! How was Magic? (black)
Steve: Magic was Magic, but Bird (white) was awesome. And McHale (white) was unstoppable.
Brandon: Wait, I thought you were a Laker fan.
Steve: Us Irish guys have to stick together, pal.
Yep, Steve hates blacks.
----------------
Brandon made another cut for the basketball team, and now it's down to him and a black guy. Brandon is suspicious.
Brandon: You go to class?
Black Guy: Up yours, whitey!!
(note: I'm paraphrasing, but you get the idea).
-------------
Brenda has run out of gas.
--------------
Jim is about to bust out another inspirational sports speech, which leads me to:
Tangent 2: Why couldn't my dad give me these inspirational talks during my sports days? I can think of a time or two when a "Bob Barich busting out the pictures of his old high school sports glory days" moment would've helped.
----------------
Brandon apologizes to black guy. Black guy accepts. Brandon is no longer racist. That's good.
----------------
Brenda starts walking to find a tow truck guy (this is during the pre-cell phone era), finds one, and then finds out the car was stolen when she comes back.
Brenda: And I don't even have my license!!
Tow Truck Guy: These things happen.
Brenda: You don't understand: My parents will kill me.
Tow Truck Guy: These things happen.
Gotta love 1990s dialogue.
--------------------
The black guy beats out Brandon for the team. I saw that coming.
-------------------
Steve still hates blacks.
Steve: Don't let those guys get to you, Brandon. This is our school.
Brandon: No Steve, this is everyone's school.
Black guy hears all this, and gives Brandon a smile. Racial harmony music plays.
------------------
Brandon tells father Jim that he didn't make the basketball team.
Jim: You did your best, son, and that's all that matters. I'm proud of you. And if you work hard, next year we'll make it.
Me and Brandon hang on every word.
No wonder this show was on for 10 years!!
--------------
Hey, guess what? I'm trying to make a living writing blogs about the dumb things of everyday life. How am I doing this? With the help of the folks at iBizTraining.com, an online training resource that shows you how to run your own online business (Online Training, Online Business. My God, it fits!!). Find out more at www.iBiztraining.com
The best sportswriters in the world are women (I have always said this). And the best in the world is none other than my girlfriend Ramona Shelburne, sports columnist for the Los Angeles Daily News. Read more about her at http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ramona_Shelburne
There's a high standard in today's fashion world. And no one meets that standard better than Spooles, which provides customers with high-quality purses and other accessories that are both affordable and trendy. Get trendy!! Go to www.spooles.com
There's a cowgirl inside every woman: Elusive, passionate, untamed (I wrote that myself!!). Elusive Cowgirl caters to the free spirit within you, priding themselves on a special line of high-quality products unique on its own yet tailored to fit your everyday style. Find your inner cowgirl: Visit www.elusivecowgirl.com
The laziest man in Earth…is blogging about it. Go to www.lazyhank.com and find out more.
Hillary Clinton And Evil Clowns: A Nevin Barich Blog Experience
(This is Part 2 of a two-part series in which I, a non-voter, give my "locks" for the presidential nominations. Last week, Rudy Giuliani got Nev's nod for the Republicans and is already preparing his party acceptance speech as a result. This week, we analyze the democratic race.)
Let me tell you something about Hillary Clinton:
The woman scares me. I mean, let's face it: She's creppy looking. She looks waxy, her eyes bug out when she smiles, and if I stare at her too long, a cold shiver comes across me and images of evil clowns creep into my mind.
Yet despite these flaws and many more (such as those ugly-ass business suits she wears, which do nothing for her), Hillary is going to win the democratic presidential nomination for one reason, and one reason only:
Bill Clinton.
You see, Bill is everything his wife is not: Good looking, warm, personable, a great talker, and he wears a suit well.
And lately, he's been barnstorming the country talking long and hard about how great it would be if his little woman became prez.
And we listen to Bill with rapt attention and hang on his every word. Why? Because we love Bill. He's a great guy. He's got that southern-charm thing going. Men feel like they can have a beer with him, and women want to have sex with him.
That's called crossover appeal, people.
People love Bill. Hillary is married to Bill. Thus, people will vote for Hillary because they're thinking about Bill.
Barack Obama? He'll make a run. He's dignified, sophisticated, intelligent, black and he has Oprah Winfrey on his side.
Barack can beat Hillary.
He just can't beat her husband.
BillHill: Nev's lock for the Dems.
(Next week: We move away from politics and back to dumb daily life. Because really, that's more fun. LOL)
--------------------
Hey, guess what? I'm trying to make a living writing blogs about the dumb things of everyday life. How am I doing this? With the help of the folks at iBizTraining.com, an online training resource that shows you how to run your own online business (Online Training, Online Business. My God, it fits!!). Find out more at www.iBiztraining.com
The best sportswriters in the world are women (I have always said this). And the best in the world is none other than my girlfriend Ramona Shelburne, sports columnist for the Los Angeles Daily News. Read more about her at http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ramona_Shelburne
There's a high standard in today's fashion world. And no one meets that standard better than Spooles, which provides customers with high-quality purses and other accessories that are both affordable and trendy. Get trendy!! Go to www.spooles.com
There's a cowgirl inside every woman: Elusive, passionate, untamed (I wrote that myself!!). Elusive Cowgirl caters to the free spirit within you, priding themselves on a special line of high-quality products unique on its own yet tailored to fit your everyday style. Find your inner cowgirl: Visit www.elusivecowgirl.com
The laziest man in Earth…is blogging about it. Go to www.lazyhank.com and find out more.
Let me tell you something about Hillary Clinton:
The woman scares me. I mean, let's face it: She's creppy looking. She looks waxy, her eyes bug out when she smiles, and if I stare at her too long, a cold shiver comes across me and images of evil clowns creep into my mind.
Yet despite these flaws and many more (such as those ugly-ass business suits she wears, which do nothing for her), Hillary is going to win the democratic presidential nomination for one reason, and one reason only:
Bill Clinton.
You see, Bill is everything his wife is not: Good looking, warm, personable, a great talker, and he wears a suit well.
And lately, he's been barnstorming the country talking long and hard about how great it would be if his little woman became prez.
And we listen to Bill with rapt attention and hang on his every word. Why? Because we love Bill. He's a great guy. He's got that southern-charm thing going. Men feel like they can have a beer with him, and women want to have sex with him.
That's called crossover appeal, people.
People love Bill. Hillary is married to Bill. Thus, people will vote for Hillary because they're thinking about Bill.
Barack Obama? He'll make a run. He's dignified, sophisticated, intelligent, black and he has Oprah Winfrey on his side.
Barack can beat Hillary.
He just can't beat her husband.
BillHill: Nev's lock for the Dems.
(Next week: We move away from politics and back to dumb daily life. Because really, that's more fun. LOL)
--------------------
Hey, guess what? I'm trying to make a living writing blogs about the dumb things of everyday life. How am I doing this? With the help of the folks at iBizTraining.com, an online training resource that shows you how to run your own online business (Online Training, Online Business. My God, it fits!!). Find out more at www.iBiztraining.com
The best sportswriters in the world are women (I have always said this). And the best in the world is none other than my girlfriend Ramona Shelburne, sports columnist for the Los Angeles Daily News. Read more about her at http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ramona_Shelburne
There's a high standard in today's fashion world. And no one meets that standard better than Spooles, which provides customers with high-quality purses and other accessories that are both affordable and trendy. Get trendy!! Go to www.spooles.com
There's a cowgirl inside every woman: Elusive, passionate, untamed (I wrote that myself!!). Elusive Cowgirl caters to the free spirit within you, priding themselves on a special line of high-quality products unique on its own yet tailored to fit your everyday style. Find your inner cowgirl: Visit www.elusivecowgirl.com
The laziest man in Earth…is blogging about it. Go to www.lazyhank.com and find out more.
Political Expertise From A Non-Voter: A Nevin Barich Blog Experience
(Note: This is Part 1 of a two-part series on the Presidential debate and the idiocy of American politics in general. This week, we focus on the Republican Primary.)
I don't vote.
I don't vote because I don't think my vote matters.
I don't vote because I don't care.
And I know what most of you are going to say:
I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU DON'T VOTE!! WHAT IF EVERYONE THOUGHT THE SAME WAY AS YOU AND NOBODY VOTED?!? DO YOU REALIZE WHAT CHAOS WOULD ERUPT?!? WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU?!?!?!
And you want to know what the sad part is?
People like me -- the non-voters who have no clue where a voting place is -- are the most educated when it comes to American politics.
Know why? Because we know that when all is said and done, elections always come down to the two favorites. And it's always something about those two favorites, something simple, that make us vote for them.
Take the current Presidential primaries, for example.
You've got all these candidates, some of them with some radical platforms, and the "informed voters" start spouting off the usual nonsense:
"Ron Paul could win!! He has across-the-board appeal."
"Huckabee's foreign policies have inspired me in a way I've never thought possible."
"Joe Biden is what this country needs!!"
Folks, let me break down, in 26 words, some words of wisdom about American politics that the "experts" will never admit for fear of losing their jobs:
All elections come down to the same two people that were considered the favorites from the get-go. Because people like familirity, conformity and fear change.
With that in mind, let me tell you who won't win the Republican primary:
Ron Paul. Note to folks in California who are becoming "one-time Republicans" to vote for Ron: Real republicans are never going to give a victory to a Republican who appeals so strongly to liberals. It's just not kosher.
John McCain. He looks too old.
Mitt Romney: First of all, his name is Mitt. Second, people in Massachusetts -- where Mitt is Governor, for Christ's sake -- don't like Mitt. And if you're not liked in your own governed state, you won't win nationwide appeal.
So it's time to skip over this bullshit primary and let you know who is going to win the Republican nomination in a walk.
Rudy Giuliani.
For one simple reason:
9-11.
9-11 is still fresh in everyone's minds. And if you don't think so, let me give you some buzz words:
TERRORISM!!!
WAR ON TERROR!!!
TERRORISTS AT OUR BORDERS!!!
You hear that every day. And 9-11 is the reason for it.
And Giuliani, who was awesome in the aftermath of 9-11, will play that up for all it's worth.
And you know what? We'll take the bait, take it hook, line and sinker.
Because American voters are puppets.
And puppets dance.
I'm not a puppet.
Because I don't know where my voting place is.
:-)
(Next week: Will 9-11 Rudy face a woman or a black man? Non-voter Nev breaks down the Democrats.)
------------------
Hey, guess what? I'm trying to make a living writing blogs about the dumb things of everyday life. How am I doing this? With the help of the folks at iBizTraining.com, an online training resource that shows you how to run your own online business (Online Training, Online Business. My God, it fits!!). Find out more at www.iBiztraining.com
The best sportswriters in the world are women (I have always said this). And the best in the world is none other than my girlfriend Ramona Shelburne, sports columnist for the Los Angeles Daily News. Read more about her at http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ramona_Shelburne
There's a high standard in today's fashion world. And no one meets that standard better than Spooles, which provides customers with high-quality purses and other accessories that are both affordable and trendy. Get trendy!! Go to www.spooles.com
There's a cowgirl inside every woman: Elusive, passionate, untamed (I wrote that myself!!). Elusive Cowgirl caters to the free spirit within you, priding themselves on a special line of high-quality products unique on its own yet tailored to fit your everyday style. Find your inner cowgirl: Visit www.elusivecowgirl.com
The laziest man in Earth…is blogging about it. Go to www.lazyhank.com and find out more.
I don't vote.
I don't vote because I don't think my vote matters.
I don't vote because I don't care.
And I know what most of you are going to say:
I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU DON'T VOTE!! WHAT IF EVERYONE THOUGHT THE SAME WAY AS YOU AND NOBODY VOTED?!? DO YOU REALIZE WHAT CHAOS WOULD ERUPT?!? WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU?!?!?!
And you want to know what the sad part is?
People like me -- the non-voters who have no clue where a voting place is -- are the most educated when it comes to American politics.
Know why? Because we know that when all is said and done, elections always come down to the two favorites. And it's always something about those two favorites, something simple, that make us vote for them.
Take the current Presidential primaries, for example.
You've got all these candidates, some of them with some radical platforms, and the "informed voters" start spouting off the usual nonsense:
"Ron Paul could win!! He has across-the-board appeal."
"Huckabee's foreign policies have inspired me in a way I've never thought possible."
"Joe Biden is what this country needs!!"
Folks, let me break down, in 26 words, some words of wisdom about American politics that the "experts" will never admit for fear of losing their jobs:
All elections come down to the same two people that were considered the favorites from the get-go. Because people like familirity, conformity and fear change.
With that in mind, let me tell you who won't win the Republican primary:
Ron Paul. Note to folks in California who are becoming "one-time Republicans" to vote for Ron: Real republicans are never going to give a victory to a Republican who appeals so strongly to liberals. It's just not kosher.
John McCain. He looks too old.
Mitt Romney: First of all, his name is Mitt. Second, people in Massachusetts -- where Mitt is Governor, for Christ's sake -- don't like Mitt. And if you're not liked in your own governed state, you won't win nationwide appeal.
So it's time to skip over this bullshit primary and let you know who is going to win the Republican nomination in a walk.
Rudy Giuliani.
For one simple reason:
9-11.
9-11 is still fresh in everyone's minds. And if you don't think so, let me give you some buzz words:
TERRORISM!!!
WAR ON TERROR!!!
TERRORISTS AT OUR BORDERS!!!
You hear that every day. And 9-11 is the reason for it.
And Giuliani, who was awesome in the aftermath of 9-11, will play that up for all it's worth.
And you know what? We'll take the bait, take it hook, line and sinker.
Because American voters are puppets.
And puppets dance.
I'm not a puppet.
Because I don't know where my voting place is.
:-)
(Next week: Will 9-11 Rudy face a woman or a black man? Non-voter Nev breaks down the Democrats.)
------------------
Hey, guess what? I'm trying to make a living writing blogs about the dumb things of everyday life. How am I doing this? With the help of the folks at iBizTraining.com, an online training resource that shows you how to run your own online business (Online Training, Online Business. My God, it fits!!). Find out more at www.iBiztraining.com
The best sportswriters in the world are women (I have always said this). And the best in the world is none other than my girlfriend Ramona Shelburne, sports columnist for the Los Angeles Daily News. Read more about her at http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ramona_Shelburne
There's a high standard in today's fashion world. And no one meets that standard better than Spooles, which provides customers with high-quality purses and other accessories that are both affordable and trendy. Get trendy!! Go to www.spooles.com
There's a cowgirl inside every woman: Elusive, passionate, untamed (I wrote that myself!!). Elusive Cowgirl caters to the free spirit within you, priding themselves on a special line of high-quality products unique on its own yet tailored to fit your everyday style. Find your inner cowgirl: Visit www.elusivecowgirl.com
The laziest man in Earth…is blogging about it. Go to www.lazyhank.com and find out more.
A Take On Today's Movie Industry (It Sucks): A Nevin Barich Blog Experience
Movies today are terrible. Oh sure, every once in a while the industry gets something right, such as "Rocky Balboa" and "Rambo IV" (thank you, Sly!!). But all in all, major motion pictures today are crap.
And you want to know why? Because somewhere along the line, someone got it their head that movies had to have a message. Suddenly, movies weren't about mindless entertainment. They were about educating us, teaching us something, making us think.
So out went the Lethal Weapons, funny sports movies with bad language, and martial arts films with nothing but fight scenes, cheesy dialogue and half-naked women. In their place were "political thrillers" and "gripping documentaries" and "independent films about traveling to India and finding yourself."
Well, you know what? I don't want to play $10 (well, $8.75 since I kept my student ID from college) to learn something. I don't want to think. I want to be amused, entertained, given a two-hour escape from my daily life. And every time I watch a "Syriana" (a boring fuckin' film about oil), "March of the Penguins" (a boring fuckin' documentary about penguins walking in the snow) or "The Namesake" (a boring fuckin' movie about a boy who was born in America but whose family was from India, and who doesn't give two shits about it until his father dies, and then all of a sudden he decides "I'm Indian, and that means something" and then shaves his head) I want to puke.
With that in mind, recently I shuttled back and forth between two classics of American cinema that personify the greatness that movies used to be:
1) "The Wizard", a 1989 film about a traumatized 8-year-old boy named Jimmy who hardly speaks and never smiles, but has a knack for video games. Now, with the help of his 11-year-old brother (I don't know his name, but he's played by Fred Savage -- of "Wonder Years" fame -- so we'll call him Fred) and some 11-year-old redheaded girl named Haley, Jimmy is bound for the video game championships at Universal Studios Hollywood, where he'll compete for a $50,000 prize.
2) "Star Wars: The Empire Strikes Back," where Luke Skywalker and the Rebellion continue their fight against Darth Vader and the Empire.
I now take you to the ending of both films, my trusty remote in hand, starting with "The Wizard":
(click)
Jimmy, Fred and Haley make it the Championships just in time, with Ninja Gaiden (where you're a ninja whose goal is to defeat...well, bad guys) the game that contestants will be playing in the preliminary rounds. Also in the competition is Jimmy's rival, 11-year-old Lucas, whom Jimmy refused to battle in an earlier run-in. Can Jimmy, who hardly speaks and never smiles, look deep enough within himself to beat his rival and win it all?
(click)
I love Darth Vader!! The man just personifies kick-ass evil. He and Luke are about to fight. Darth is just toying with him; he's not even holding his lightsaber with both hands as he easily blocks Luke's pathetic attack. You half-expect Darth to shout, "Is that all you got, you punk-ass bitch?" It's that cool.
(click)
Jimmy, who hardly speaks and never smiles, got through the preliminary round and will face two other competitors in the finals: A girl named Mora, who has glasses and pigtails; and Lucas, the aformentioned rival. The three will find out in 15 minutes which game they'll play to determine the $50,000 winner.
(click)
Darth pushes Luke down a shaft, but Luke jumps out before Darth can close it up. Luke goes on the offensive now and manages to knock Darth down some stairs. C'mon, Vader, defense!!
(click)
HUGE ANNOUNCEMENT: The three video game finalists will play a game that's never been played before. This causes the redheaded Haley to hysterically scream, "YOU NEVER SAID ANYTHING ABOUT A NEW GAME!!!" And that new game is:
SUPER MARIO BROTHERS 3!!!!!!!!!
(note: I know that means nothing to several of you, but believe me: In 1989 in the video game world, this was truly a "HOLY SHIT!!" moment)
(click)
Good news: Darth is mad. You can see it in his...um...mask. Anyways, Darth starts using the Force to toss boxes at Luke, and the strategy is working. Luke takes a few boxes on the back and falls; he's now hanging by a thread off a ledge.
(click)
Jimmy, who hardly speaks and never smiles, takes an early lead. This causes older brother Fred to shout, "C'mon Jimmy!! Score!! Score!! Score!! SCOREEEE!!! I check to make sure that this movie is indeed rated PG.
(click)
OOOOOOOOOOOOHHHHHHH!!!!!!!! Darth chops off Luke's arm!! That's gotta hurt. The end is near, I think.
(click)
Oh no!! Jimmy, who hardly speaks and never smiles, is struggling on World 2 and is now falling behind. Rival Lucas has a smug smile on his face as he easily handles World 2, and even nerdy-girl Mora has overtaken Jimmy. Fred and Haley look worried. Jimmy is expressionless, as is his way.
(click)
Darth and Luke start talking about family.
Darth: Luke, I am your father.
Luke screams. I guess he didn't see that coming.
(click)
Good news!! Jimmy, who hardly speaks and never smiles, is starting to make his push. He's beaten World 2 and is slowly but surely catching up as Lucas and Mora start to struggle.
(click)
Darth makes Luke an offer:
Darth: "Join me, and we'll rule the galaxy as father and son."
I think Luke will take the deal. It's the smart thing to do.
(click)
Mora is fading fast. She just died in the game and the crowd booed. They actually booed!! Video game fans are fickle, you see.
(click)
Stupid Luke. Rather than accept Dad's generous offer, he lets go of the ledge and starts falling to oblivion. But by sheer dumb luck, he lands in a shaft and rides it to safety. Punk bastard.
(click)
Jimmy, who hardly speaks and never smiles, has found the magic flute. This prompts Haley to shout the following:
"USE THE MAGIC FLUTE TO GET TO THE WARP ZONE!!!!!!"
Gotta love 80s movies.
(click)
Darth goes back to his ship, pushing his men aside. He's mad. I sense another movie coming.
(click)
Jimmy uses the magic flute, warps to World 4, and that gives him enough points to overtake rival Lucas and win the championship!! But they leave before they get the $50,000. It's not about the money, apparently.
EPILOGUE
The Wizard: As Jimmy, Fred and Haley drive away, Jimmy -- who hardly speaks and never smiles -- starts pointing out the window and saying: "California!! California!!" He's been in the state 10 hours and has just now realized it.
He then smiled.
Star Wars: The Empire Strikes Back: Both Darth and Luke know that they will face each other again. And in the third movie, they do. Luke wins. Personally, I think he was juicin'. But that's just my opinion.
Personally, I would rather watch movies like this than a documentary in which Al Gore tells us we're all gonna die.
Plus, my kind of movies lend themselves to sequels.
As for sequels with Al?
"A Really Inconveninent Truth."
See? It just doesn't work.
------------------------
Hey, guess what? I'm trying to make a living writing blogs about the dumb things of everyday life. How am I doing this? With the help of the folks at iBizTraining.com, an online training resource that shows you how to run your own online business (Online Training, Online Business. My God, it fits!!). Find out more at www.iBiztraining.com
The best sportswriters in the world are women (I have always said this). And the best in the world is none other than my girlfriend Ramona Shelburne, sports columnist for the Los Angeles Daily News. Read more about her at http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ramona_Shelburne
There's a high standard in today's fashion world. And no one meets that standard better than Spooles, which provides customers with high-quality purses and other accessories that are both affordable and trendy. Get trendy!! Go to www.spooles.com
There's a cowgirl inside every woman: Elusive, passionate, untamed (I wrote that myself!!). Elusive Cowgirl caters to the free spirit within you, priding themselves on a special line of high-quality products unique on its own yet tailored to fit your everyday style. Find your inner cowgirl: Visit www.elusivecowgirl.com
The laziest man in Earth…is blogging about it. Go to www.lazyhank.com and find out more.
And you want to know why? Because somewhere along the line, someone got it their head that movies had to have a message. Suddenly, movies weren't about mindless entertainment. They were about educating us, teaching us something, making us think.
So out went the Lethal Weapons, funny sports movies with bad language, and martial arts films with nothing but fight scenes, cheesy dialogue and half-naked women. In their place were "political thrillers" and "gripping documentaries" and "independent films about traveling to India and finding yourself."
Well, you know what? I don't want to play $10 (well, $8.75 since I kept my student ID from college) to learn something. I don't want to think. I want to be amused, entertained, given a two-hour escape from my daily life. And every time I watch a "Syriana" (a boring fuckin' film about oil), "March of the Penguins" (a boring fuckin' documentary about penguins walking in the snow) or "The Namesake" (a boring fuckin' movie about a boy who was born in America but whose family was from India, and who doesn't give two shits about it until his father dies, and then all of a sudden he decides "I'm Indian, and that means something" and then shaves his head) I want to puke.
With that in mind, recently I shuttled back and forth between two classics of American cinema that personify the greatness that movies used to be:
1) "The Wizard", a 1989 film about a traumatized 8-year-old boy named Jimmy who hardly speaks and never smiles, but has a knack for video games. Now, with the help of his 11-year-old brother (I don't know his name, but he's played by Fred Savage -- of "Wonder Years" fame -- so we'll call him Fred) and some 11-year-old redheaded girl named Haley, Jimmy is bound for the video game championships at Universal Studios Hollywood, where he'll compete for a $50,000 prize.
2) "Star Wars: The Empire Strikes Back," where Luke Skywalker and the Rebellion continue their fight against Darth Vader and the Empire.
I now take you to the ending of both films, my trusty remote in hand, starting with "The Wizard":
(click)
Jimmy, Fred and Haley make it the Championships just in time, with Ninja Gaiden (where you're a ninja whose goal is to defeat...well, bad guys) the game that contestants will be playing in the preliminary rounds. Also in the competition is Jimmy's rival, 11-year-old Lucas, whom Jimmy refused to battle in an earlier run-in. Can Jimmy, who hardly speaks and never smiles, look deep enough within himself to beat his rival and win it all?
(click)
I love Darth Vader!! The man just personifies kick-ass evil. He and Luke are about to fight. Darth is just toying with him; he's not even holding his lightsaber with both hands as he easily blocks Luke's pathetic attack. You half-expect Darth to shout, "Is that all you got, you punk-ass bitch?" It's that cool.
(click)
Jimmy, who hardly speaks and never smiles, got through the preliminary round and will face two other competitors in the finals: A girl named Mora, who has glasses and pigtails; and Lucas, the aformentioned rival. The three will find out in 15 minutes which game they'll play to determine the $50,000 winner.
(click)
Darth pushes Luke down a shaft, but Luke jumps out before Darth can close it up. Luke goes on the offensive now and manages to knock Darth down some stairs. C'mon, Vader, defense!!
(click)
HUGE ANNOUNCEMENT: The three video game finalists will play a game that's never been played before. This causes the redheaded Haley to hysterically scream, "YOU NEVER SAID ANYTHING ABOUT A NEW GAME!!!" And that new game is:
SUPER MARIO BROTHERS 3!!!!!!!!!
(note: I know that means nothing to several of you, but believe me: In 1989 in the video game world, this was truly a "HOLY SHIT!!" moment)
(click)
Good news: Darth is mad. You can see it in his...um...mask. Anyways, Darth starts using the Force to toss boxes at Luke, and the strategy is working. Luke takes a few boxes on the back and falls; he's now hanging by a thread off a ledge.
(click)
Jimmy, who hardly speaks and never smiles, takes an early lead. This causes older brother Fred to shout, "C'mon Jimmy!! Score!! Score!! Score!! SCOREEEE!!! I check to make sure that this movie is indeed rated PG.
(click)
OOOOOOOOOOOOHHHHHHH!!!!!!!! Darth chops off Luke's arm!! That's gotta hurt. The end is near, I think.
(click)
Oh no!! Jimmy, who hardly speaks and never smiles, is struggling on World 2 and is now falling behind. Rival Lucas has a smug smile on his face as he easily handles World 2, and even nerdy-girl Mora has overtaken Jimmy. Fred and Haley look worried. Jimmy is expressionless, as is his way.
(click)
Darth and Luke start talking about family.
Darth: Luke, I am your father.
Luke screams. I guess he didn't see that coming.
(click)
Good news!! Jimmy, who hardly speaks and never smiles, is starting to make his push. He's beaten World 2 and is slowly but surely catching up as Lucas and Mora start to struggle.
(click)
Darth makes Luke an offer:
Darth: "Join me, and we'll rule the galaxy as father and son."
I think Luke will take the deal. It's the smart thing to do.
(click)
Mora is fading fast. She just died in the game and the crowd booed. They actually booed!! Video game fans are fickle, you see.
(click)
Stupid Luke. Rather than accept Dad's generous offer, he lets go of the ledge and starts falling to oblivion. But by sheer dumb luck, he lands in a shaft and rides it to safety. Punk bastard.
(click)
Jimmy, who hardly speaks and never smiles, has found the magic flute. This prompts Haley to shout the following:
"USE THE MAGIC FLUTE TO GET TO THE WARP ZONE!!!!!!"
Gotta love 80s movies.
(click)
Darth goes back to his ship, pushing his men aside. He's mad. I sense another movie coming.
(click)
Jimmy uses the magic flute, warps to World 4, and that gives him enough points to overtake rival Lucas and win the championship!! But they leave before they get the $50,000. It's not about the money, apparently.
EPILOGUE
The Wizard: As Jimmy, Fred and Haley drive away, Jimmy -- who hardly speaks and never smiles -- starts pointing out the window and saying: "California!! California!!" He's been in the state 10 hours and has just now realized it.
He then smiled.
Star Wars: The Empire Strikes Back: Both Darth and Luke know that they will face each other again. And in the third movie, they do. Luke wins. Personally, I think he was juicin'. But that's just my opinion.
Personally, I would rather watch movies like this than a documentary in which Al Gore tells us we're all gonna die.
Plus, my kind of movies lend themselves to sequels.
As for sequels with Al?
"A Really Inconveninent Truth."
See? It just doesn't work.
------------------------
Hey, guess what? I'm trying to make a living writing blogs about the dumb things of everyday life. How am I doing this? With the help of the folks at iBizTraining.com, an online training resource that shows you how to run your own online business (Online Training, Online Business. My God, it fits!!). Find out more at www.iBiztraining.com
The best sportswriters in the world are women (I have always said this). And the best in the world is none other than my girlfriend Ramona Shelburne, sports columnist for the Los Angeles Daily News. Read more about her at http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ramona_Shelburne
There's a high standard in today's fashion world. And no one meets that standard better than Spooles, which provides customers with high-quality purses and other accessories that are both affordable and trendy. Get trendy!! Go to www.spooles.com
There's a cowgirl inside every woman: Elusive, passionate, untamed (I wrote that myself!!). Elusive Cowgirl caters to the free spirit within you, priding themselves on a special line of high-quality products unique on its own yet tailored to fit your everyday style. Find your inner cowgirl: Visit www.elusivecowgirl.com
The laziest man in Earth…is blogging about it. Go to www.lazyhank.com and find out more.
New Year's: Stupid And Dumb (You Heard Me!!): A Nevin Barich Blog Experience
I hate New Year's.
There. I said it.
I'm sorry, but New Year's to me is the stupidest holiday imaginable, even dumber than "Bastille Day." (stupid French) I mean honestly, what is the big deal about another month ending, us moving into JANUARY and the number of the year changing? "Oh my God, we now get to write 08 when we date our checks instead of 07. Let's celebrate by watching a ball drop!!!"
Here are three problems with New Years:
----------------------
Crowds.
Every place you go on New Year's is crowded. No matter where you go, whether it be a bar, restaurant, park or Citywalk, you will be greeted with 80,000 of your closest societal lunatics.
Now, I like to be around people. But I also like space. And walking room. And air. These are three things that are always in short supply when going somewhere on New Year's.
-----------------------
Prices.
How many of you are going to Vegas over New Year's? Geez, you must have serious bucks!! Can I get a loan?
On New Year's, prices are jacked!! $10 meals go for $30. $75 hotel rooms go for $350. Cover charges for bars and clubs go in the triple digits. All so we can scream "HAPPY NEW YEAR" at midnight.
I don't know about the rest of you, but I've got bills. I've got to pay for rent, electricity, Internet service so I can write these blogs. I do not have the money to spend exorbitant prices...
(writer's note: The word of the day is...exorbitant. Look it up. Expand your vocabulary)
...going to stupid places with stupid people and stupid noise. No thank you.
---------------------
Resolutions
I was talking to my friend Shandon yesterday and we were discussing how people always make resolutions to start the New Year.
"Why do people wait until the New Year to start these things?" Shandon said. "Why wait? Will it mean more to start in January?"
This is an excellent point. Why do we always say "I'm going to (fill in the blank) in the New Year?" If it means that much to you, why don't you start that new thing when you first think of it, rather than wait until January?
Do yourself a favor: If during a month in 2008 other than January, you come up with something you want to do or think would be good for you, don't wait until January 2009 to start it. Waiting until the New Year won't make it easier, better or more satisfying. Be proactive!! Start your 2009 resolutions in April '08. Be a trend-setter and impress your friends.
-------------------
This year, with my girlfriend out of the country visiting family, I will be spending a low-key New Year's with my mom and sis.
Sound a little boring?
It's better than what I did last year.
I strained my back playing Blackjack at an Indian Casino.
Then, because I couldn't move well, I sat at a bar table watching a bunch of women's purses while they went off dancing.
And four different people asked me if I was selling pot.
Which they called "cronic."
And, because I was the designated driver, I drank water.
(the water, normally free, cost $1.95)
------------------------
Hey, guess what? I'm trying to make a living writing blogs about the dumb things of everyday life. How am I doing this? With the help of the folks at iBizTraining.com, an online training resource that shows you how to run your own online business (Online Training, Online Business. My God, it fits!!). Find out more at www.iBiztraining.com
The best sportswriters in the world are women (I have always said this). And the best in the world is none other than my girlfriend Ramona Shelburne, sports columnist for the Los Angeles Daily News. Read more about her at http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ramona_Shelburne
There's a high standard in today's fashion world. And no one meets that standard better than Spooles, which provides customers with high-quality purses and other accessories that are both affordable and trendy. Get trendy!! Go to www.spooles.com
There's a cowgirl inside every woman: Elusive, passionate, untamed (I wrote that myself!!). Elusive Cowgirl caters to the free spirit within you, priding themselves on a special line of high-quality products unique on its own yet tailored to fit your everyday style. Find your inner cowgirl: Visit www.elusivecowgirl.com
The laziest man in Earth…is blogging about it. Go to www.lazyhank.com and find out more.
There. I said it.
I'm sorry, but New Year's to me is the stupidest holiday imaginable, even dumber than "Bastille Day." (stupid French) I mean honestly, what is the big deal about another month ending, us moving into JANUARY and the number of the year changing? "Oh my God, we now get to write 08 when we date our checks instead of 07. Let's celebrate by watching a ball drop!!!"
Here are three problems with New Years:
----------------------
Crowds.
Every place you go on New Year's is crowded. No matter where you go, whether it be a bar, restaurant, park or Citywalk, you will be greeted with 80,000 of your closest societal lunatics.
Now, I like to be around people. But I also like space. And walking room. And air. These are three things that are always in short supply when going somewhere on New Year's.
-----------------------
Prices.
How many of you are going to Vegas over New Year's? Geez, you must have serious bucks!! Can I get a loan?
On New Year's, prices are jacked!! $10 meals go for $30. $75 hotel rooms go for $350. Cover charges for bars and clubs go in the triple digits. All so we can scream "HAPPY NEW YEAR" at midnight.
I don't know about the rest of you, but I've got bills. I've got to pay for rent, electricity, Internet service so I can write these blogs. I do not have the money to spend exorbitant prices...
(writer's note: The word of the day is...exorbitant. Look it up. Expand your vocabulary)
...going to stupid places with stupid people and stupid noise. No thank you.
---------------------
Resolutions
I was talking to my friend Shandon yesterday and we were discussing how people always make resolutions to start the New Year.
"Why do people wait until the New Year to start these things?" Shandon said. "Why wait? Will it mean more to start in January?"
This is an excellent point. Why do we always say "I'm going to (fill in the blank) in the New Year?" If it means that much to you, why don't you start that new thing when you first think of it, rather than wait until January?
Do yourself a favor: If during a month in 2008 other than January, you come up with something you want to do or think would be good for you, don't wait until January 2009 to start it. Waiting until the New Year won't make it easier, better or more satisfying. Be proactive!! Start your 2009 resolutions in April '08. Be a trend-setter and impress your friends.
-------------------
This year, with my girlfriend out of the country visiting family, I will be spending a low-key New Year's with my mom and sis.
Sound a little boring?
It's better than what I did last year.
I strained my back playing Blackjack at an Indian Casino.
Then, because I couldn't move well, I sat at a bar table watching a bunch of women's purses while they went off dancing.
And four different people asked me if I was selling pot.
Which they called "cronic."
And, because I was the designated driver, I drank water.
(the water, normally free, cost $1.95)
------------------------
Hey, guess what? I'm trying to make a living writing blogs about the dumb things of everyday life. How am I doing this? With the help of the folks at iBizTraining.com, an online training resource that shows you how to run your own online business (Online Training, Online Business. My God, it fits!!). Find out more at www.iBiztraining.com
The best sportswriters in the world are women (I have always said this). And the best in the world is none other than my girlfriend Ramona Shelburne, sports columnist for the Los Angeles Daily News. Read more about her at http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ramona_Shelburne
There's a high standard in today's fashion world. And no one meets that standard better than Spooles, which provides customers with high-quality purses and other accessories that are both affordable and trendy. Get trendy!! Go to www.spooles.com
There's a cowgirl inside every woman: Elusive, passionate, untamed (I wrote that myself!!). Elusive Cowgirl caters to the free spirit within you, priding themselves on a special line of high-quality products unique on its own yet tailored to fit your everyday style. Find your inner cowgirl: Visit www.elusivecowgirl.com
The laziest man in Earth…is blogging about it. Go to www.lazyhank.com and find out more.
Christmas With Nev: A Nevin Barich Holiday Blog Special
Having a Jewish mother and a Catholic father, my girlfriend Ramona and her family celebrate both Chanukah and Christmas. This weekend, I spent a lot of time with them in the days before Santa arrives to give us our multitude of presents. Growing up in a quasi-Jewish home (where, though the Jewish holidays weren't exactly celebrated in excess, there was no Christmas stuff to be found at all), spending time with Christmas folk is always eventful for me. Observe:
--------------------------------
OK, I will never understand the seedy culture that lurks behind the "happy" tradition of hanging ornaments on the Christmas tree. I mean, it's vicious!! If any ornament says "Ramona," only Ramona can put them on. If any ornament says "Marshall," (Ramona's brother) only Marshall can put them on. So all that's left for me to put on are stuffed bears and your generic colored balls, which I can't for the life of me hang without breaking at least a half a branch.
And then comes the hanging of the star on the top of the tree. Now to me, the father should always be the one to do this job because a) he bought the damn tree; b) he brought it into the house (which is no easy task, I might add); and c) HE BOUGHT THE DAMN TREE!!!"
But every year, at least one person (usually under the age of 8) wants to have a go at this task. And rather than sit that person down and say, "No, that's a job that Dad/Uncle/Grandpa gets to do," we humor the little rugrat, put them on MY SHOULDERS (because despite being just 5-11 -- and if we're being honest, it's a "listed" 5-11. I'm closer to 5-10 -- everyone else is short) and fail to get the star on. Why? Because the little kid couldn't get it done!! Oh sure, we say it's because the kid's arms were too short. But we know better: It's because he/she couldn't handle the pressure!!
Then the dad grabs a chair or step ladder, goes up and puts the star on. But you know what? By that time, the moment has passed.
---------------------
So some of Ramona's relatives from Oregon were in town, among them 7-year-old Cora, a very intelligent girl for her age. Anyways, Cora and I engaged in the card game Uno (which I'm sure many of us remember from our early years).
As we begin, Cora mentions to me how she beats her mommy and daddy all the time. However, Cora was about to learn that life beyond the homefront isn't always easy.
First game: I immediately play all my yellows, force Cora to grab 8 cards when she has no reds, and end the game with a blue card she never saw coming. Game time: 3 minutes.
"Welcome to California, sweetheart," I tell her, giving her a little wink."
Cora looks a little shaken, realizing that her world of "Happy happy times where she always wins and pixie dust is abundant" isn't as rosy as she seems. Nonetheless, she gets herself together and we play again.
I beat her in a minute and a half.
Cora looks confused.
"But...I always beat Mommy and Daddy," she says.
"Well," I replied, "MOMMY AND DADDY AREN'T HERE!! I'M HERE!! THIS IS THE REAL WORLD, BABY!! AND IN THE REAL WORLD, LIFE CAN KICK YOUR ASS!!!
She then started to cry.
The Uno Circuit: Not for the faint of heart.
-----------------------------
I also got to spend some time with Ramona's 18-month-old cousin Ayala. Now this kid is amazing. In a span of 17 seconds, she asked for cookies, carrots, to be held, thrown into the air, for her dad to play guitar, and for me to crack my knuckles because she liked the sound.
"Anything else we can do for you?" I asked.
"Water,"she said.
She'll probably want me to dab her forehead as she drinks.
----------------------------
Speaking of Ayala, she kept asking me to read her this book about piglets. But every time I started to read, we never got past page 3 (where the pigs are making snuffling sounds) before she'd wander off to do something else. Then, when she'd hand me the book to read again, I would try to start where I left off. But she always made me turn back to the beginning. It was a vicious, vicious cycle.
Finally, when she handed me the book yet again, I said enough.
"No Ayala," I declared. "If I am going to take the time to read you this book on piglets, then you in turn must have the respect and decency to listen as I read to you. Because my time is very valuable, and when you wander off, that mean's you're not respecting my time or me in general. So if I read to you, you must listen. Now certainly, if you have any questions during the course of the reading, you may ask and I will do my best to answer them. But that's the deal. Do we have an accord?"
She stared at me awhile.
Then she waddled to the couch.
Then she waddled back to me.
And handed me a book on chickens.
Naturally, I began to read.
Naturally, she wandered off after Page 3.
Now we'll never know what happened after the baby chicks ate their seeds.
You know what? It's her loss.
----------------------
Hey, guess what? I'm trying to make a living writing blogs about the dumb things of everyday life. How am I doing this? With the help of the folks at iBizTraining.com, an online training resource that shows you how to run your own online business (Online Training, Online Business. My God, it fits!!). Find out more at www.iBiztraining.com
The best sportswriters in the world are women (I have always said this). And the best in the world is none other than my girlfriend Ramona Shelburne, sports columnist for the Los Angeles Daily News. Read more about her at http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ramona_Shelburne
There's a high standard in today's fashion world. And no one meets that standard better than Spooles, which provides customers with high-quality purses and other accessories that are both affordable and trendy. Get trendy!! Go to www.spooles.com
There's a cowgirl inside every woman: Elusive, passionate, untamed (I wrote that myself!!). Elusive Cowgirl caters to the free spirit within you, priding themselves on a special line of high-quality products unique on its own yet tailored to fit your everyday style. Find your inner cowgirl: Visit www.elusivecowgirl.com
The laziest man in Earth…is blogging about it. Go to www.lazyhank.com and find out more.
--------------------------------
OK, I will never understand the seedy culture that lurks behind the "happy" tradition of hanging ornaments on the Christmas tree. I mean, it's vicious!! If any ornament says "Ramona," only Ramona can put them on. If any ornament says "Marshall," (Ramona's brother) only Marshall can put them on. So all that's left for me to put on are stuffed bears and your generic colored balls, which I can't for the life of me hang without breaking at least a half a branch.
And then comes the hanging of the star on the top of the tree. Now to me, the father should always be the one to do this job because a) he bought the damn tree; b) he brought it into the house (which is no easy task, I might add); and c) HE BOUGHT THE DAMN TREE!!!"
But every year, at least one person (usually under the age of 8) wants to have a go at this task. And rather than sit that person down and say, "No, that's a job that Dad/Uncle/Grandpa gets to do," we humor the little rugrat, put them on MY SHOULDERS (because despite being just 5-11 -- and if we're being honest, it's a "listed" 5-11. I'm closer to 5-10 -- everyone else is short) and fail to get the star on. Why? Because the little kid couldn't get it done!! Oh sure, we say it's because the kid's arms were too short. But we know better: It's because he/she couldn't handle the pressure!!
Then the dad grabs a chair or step ladder, goes up and puts the star on. But you know what? By that time, the moment has passed.
---------------------
So some of Ramona's relatives from Oregon were in town, among them 7-year-old Cora, a very intelligent girl for her age. Anyways, Cora and I engaged in the card game Uno (which I'm sure many of us remember from our early years).
As we begin, Cora mentions to me how she beats her mommy and daddy all the time. However, Cora was about to learn that life beyond the homefront isn't always easy.
First game: I immediately play all my yellows, force Cora to grab 8 cards when she has no reds, and end the game with a blue card she never saw coming. Game time: 3 minutes.
"Welcome to California, sweetheart," I tell her, giving her a little wink."
Cora looks a little shaken, realizing that her world of "Happy happy times where she always wins and pixie dust is abundant" isn't as rosy as she seems. Nonetheless, she gets herself together and we play again.
I beat her in a minute and a half.
Cora looks confused.
"But...I always beat Mommy and Daddy," she says.
"Well," I replied, "MOMMY AND DADDY AREN'T HERE!! I'M HERE!! THIS IS THE REAL WORLD, BABY!! AND IN THE REAL WORLD, LIFE CAN KICK YOUR ASS!!!
She then started to cry.
The Uno Circuit: Not for the faint of heart.
-----------------------------
I also got to spend some time with Ramona's 18-month-old cousin Ayala. Now this kid is amazing. In a span of 17 seconds, she asked for cookies, carrots, to be held, thrown into the air, for her dad to play guitar, and for me to crack my knuckles because she liked the sound.
"Anything else we can do for you?" I asked.
"Water,"she said.
She'll probably want me to dab her forehead as she drinks.
----------------------------
Speaking of Ayala, she kept asking me to read her this book about piglets. But every time I started to read, we never got past page 3 (where the pigs are making snuffling sounds) before she'd wander off to do something else. Then, when she'd hand me the book to read again, I would try to start where I left off. But she always made me turn back to the beginning. It was a vicious, vicious cycle.
Finally, when she handed me the book yet again, I said enough.
"No Ayala," I declared. "If I am going to take the time to read you this book on piglets, then you in turn must have the respect and decency to listen as I read to you. Because my time is very valuable, and when you wander off, that mean's you're not respecting my time or me in general. So if I read to you, you must listen. Now certainly, if you have any questions during the course of the reading, you may ask and I will do my best to answer them. But that's the deal. Do we have an accord?"
She stared at me awhile.
Then she waddled to the couch.
Then she waddled back to me.
And handed me a book on chickens.
Naturally, I began to read.
Naturally, she wandered off after Page 3.
Now we'll never know what happened after the baby chicks ate their seeds.
You know what? It's her loss.
----------------------
Hey, guess what? I'm trying to make a living writing blogs about the dumb things of everyday life. How am I doing this? With the help of the folks at iBizTraining.com, an online training resource that shows you how to run your own online business (Online Training, Online Business. My God, it fits!!). Find out more at www.iBiztraining.com
The best sportswriters in the world are women (I have always said this). And the best in the world is none other than my girlfriend Ramona Shelburne, sports columnist for the Los Angeles Daily News. Read more about her at http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ramona_Shelburne
There's a high standard in today's fashion world. And no one meets that standard better than Spooles, which provides customers with high-quality purses and other accessories that are both affordable and trendy. Get trendy!! Go to www.spooles.com
There's a cowgirl inside every woman: Elusive, passionate, untamed (I wrote that myself!!). Elusive Cowgirl caters to the free spirit within you, priding themselves on a special line of high-quality products unique on its own yet tailored to fit your everyday style. Find your inner cowgirl: Visit www.elusivecowgirl.com
The laziest man in Earth…is blogging about it. Go to www.lazyhank.com and find out more.
If You Ever Go To Italy, Here's What You Need To Know: A Nevin Barich Blog Experience
For those of you who don't know, I am part Italian. Last summer, I visited the country of my heritage for the first time, spending time in Bellagio, Tuscany and Rome with my girlfriend and her family. It was truly an awesome cultural and personal experience, and I would love to go back one day.
Still though, there were certain things about this country that were just odd, and reminded you that this was indeed a world away from the good ol' US of A. Observe:
-----------------------
In some of the more commercial establishments...
(i.e., a McDonalds; and just so you know, food snobs, I just used the restroom there. Despite my well-known love of fast food, I didn't do a "ghastly" act and eat there rather than enjoy Italy's cuisine.)
...female bathroom attendants think nothing of cleaning the urinals while plenty of men still reside inside.
And apparently, the men think nothing of it either as none of them seemed shocked while this was going on.
Still, I kindly waited till she left.
------------------
Hot and cold water knobs are difficult to navigate in Italy. "E" means cold, "C" means hot, but the "C" doesn't get hot right away. It takes a while for the water to get hot, so you're not sure if you're actually turning the "cold" knob.
Total shower time (on average): 7 minutes for shower, 123 minutes to get water temperature right.
-------------------------
No salt-and-pepper shakers on the table. Not that you need them, but those who enjoy ground pepper in their salads are out of luck here.
-------------------------
And finally, let's bust the "ice" myth. I don't why everyone thinks ice is nonexistent in Italy. All you have to do is ask. Seriously, that's it. When you order your coca cola (be sure to say "coca cola" as half the time you get a vacant stare when you say "coke") ask them for ice as well. Not only will they bring you a fine quantity of ice, but often -- just so you don't bother them with the "ice" question ever again -- they will bring you a bowl of ice that the whole table can share.
Of all my contributions to my girlfriend's family on this trip, this was the biggest: Asking for ice cubes. For some reason, they had trouble with it.
I, however, had a knack for it.
It was the American side of me, I guess.
---------------------------
Hey, guess what? I'm trying to make a living writing blogs about the dumb things of everyday life. How am I doing this? With the help of the folks at iBizTraining.com, an online training resource that shows you how to run your own online business (Online Training, Online Business. My God, it fits!!). Find out more at www.iBiztraining.com
The best sportswriters in the world are women (I have always said this). And the best in the world is none other than my girlfriend Ramona Shelburne, sports columnist for the Los Angeles Daily News. Read more about her at http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ramona_Shelburne
There's a high standard in today's fashion world. And no one meets that standard better than Spooles, which provides customers with high-quality purses and other accessories that are both affordable and trendy. Get trendy!! Go to www.spooles.com
There's a cowgirl inside every woman: Elusive, passionate, untamed (I wrote that myself!!). Elusive Cowgirl caters to the free spirit within you, priding themselves on a special line of high-quality products unique on its own yet tailored to fit your everyday style. Find your inner cowgirl: Visit www.elusivecowgirl.com
The laziest man in Earth…is blogging about it. Go to www.lazyhank.com and find out more.
Still though, there were certain things about this country that were just odd, and reminded you that this was indeed a world away from the good ol' US of A. Observe:
-----------------------
In some of the more commercial establishments...
(i.e., a McDonalds; and just so you know, food snobs, I just used the restroom there. Despite my well-known love of fast food, I didn't do a "ghastly" act and eat there rather than enjoy Italy's cuisine.)
...female bathroom attendants think nothing of cleaning the urinals while plenty of men still reside inside.
And apparently, the men think nothing of it either as none of them seemed shocked while this was going on.
Still, I kindly waited till she left.
------------------
Hot and cold water knobs are difficult to navigate in Italy. "E" means cold, "C" means hot, but the "C" doesn't get hot right away. It takes a while for the water to get hot, so you're not sure if you're actually turning the "cold" knob.
Total shower time (on average): 7 minutes for shower, 123 minutes to get water temperature right.
-------------------------
No salt-and-pepper shakers on the table. Not that you need them, but those who enjoy ground pepper in their salads are out of luck here.
-------------------------
And finally, let's bust the "ice" myth. I don't why everyone thinks ice is nonexistent in Italy. All you have to do is ask. Seriously, that's it. When you order your coca cola (be sure to say "coca cola" as half the time you get a vacant stare when you say "coke") ask them for ice as well. Not only will they bring you a fine quantity of ice, but often -- just so you don't bother them with the "ice" question ever again -- they will bring you a bowl of ice that the whole table can share.
Of all my contributions to my girlfriend's family on this trip, this was the biggest: Asking for ice cubes. For some reason, they had trouble with it.
I, however, had a knack for it.
It was the American side of me, I guess.
---------------------------
Hey, guess what? I'm trying to make a living writing blogs about the dumb things of everyday life. How am I doing this? With the help of the folks at iBizTraining.com, an online training resource that shows you how to run your own online business (Online Training, Online Business. My God, it fits!!). Find out more at www.iBiztraining.com
The best sportswriters in the world are women (I have always said this). And the best in the world is none other than my girlfriend Ramona Shelburne, sports columnist for the Los Angeles Daily News. Read more about her at http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ramona_Shelburne
There's a high standard in today's fashion world. And no one meets that standard better than Spooles, which provides customers with high-quality purses and other accessories that are both affordable and trendy. Get trendy!! Go to www.spooles.com
There's a cowgirl inside every woman: Elusive, passionate, untamed (I wrote that myself!!). Elusive Cowgirl caters to the free spirit within you, priding themselves on a special line of high-quality products unique on its own yet tailored to fit your everyday style. Find your inner cowgirl: Visit www.elusivecowgirl.com
The laziest man in Earth…is blogging about it. Go to www.lazyhank.com and find out more.
Conversations With Mom: A Nevin Barich Blog Experience
Moms are nuts. We all know this. Yes, they're kind and sweet and the most wonderful women on Earth -- and if nothing else, you can always go home to Mom -- but I'm sure I speak for many when I say the most random, ridiculous conversations we will ever have in our lives are with the woman who gave us life.
Over the past few months, I've had a few rather exceptionally whacked-out conversations with my mom, who -- being from Brooklyn and Jewish -- is more nuts than most.
Observe:
-----------------------------
Nev's Mom: Nevin, I'm not so sure about this Content Editor job.
Nev: Well like I said, Mom, I'm just talking with them. No formal offer has been made.
Nev's Mom: I know, but with Wonder Bread going out of business...
Nev: I know but...wait, what?
Nev's Mom: You didn't hear? Wonder Bread is going out of business.
Nev: Um...OK.
Nev's Mom: Nevin, hello? Wonder Bread!
Nev: What does Wonder Bread have to do with my job search?
Nev's Mom: Well, if Wonder Bread can go out of business, don't you think this company you're talking to can go out of business too?
Nev: That...that makes absolutely no sense!! Mom, the Content Editor job deals with loyalty services. That's, like, credit card rewards points. Wonder Bread deals with...bread.
Nev's Mom: I'm just saying: It's a scary time in the business world. If Wonder Bread goes out of business, then that makes me worry more about you.
Nev: But I don't...work with bread.
Nev's Mom: But you eat sandwiches!!
----------------------------------
Nev's Mom: Who is your Internet provider?
Nev: AT&T.
Nev's Mom: Why don't you have Verizon?
Nev: Because AT&T was the main provider in my coverage area.
Nev's Mom: But isn't Verizon your cell service?
Nev: Yeah.
Nev's Mom: So why isn't Verizon your Internet provider?
Nev: Um...I don't know.
Nev's Mom: Well, wouldn't that make more sense?
Nev: Mom, when I moved into my apartment, they told me AT&T was the main Internet provider here. So I got AT&T.
Nev's Mom: Did you at least consider Verizon?
Nev: Why are you asking me this two years later?
Nev's Mom: Because I'm concerned.
Nev: About what? My Internet?
Nev's Mom: Yes!
Nev: Why?
Nev's Mom: Because Verizon is your cell phone. And you have two different technologies and two different companies and...I just worry!! What if they don't work well together and they explode?!?
----------------------------
And finally:
Nev's Mom: Don't forget to get your brake pads done.
Nev: Mom, I don't have to do that for, like, 3-4 months.
Nev's Mom: I know, but I'm just reminding you.
Nev: You're reminding me about something I won't do for four months?
Nev's Mom: Well, what if you forget?
Nev: Well, if you're so worried, why don't you remind me in, like, four months?
Nev's Mom: Well, why don't you write yourself a note so I don't have to remind you four months in advance?!?
---------------------
My favorite line was the "technologies not working together and exploding" thing. I confess: I didn't see that one coming. That was a new one.
Moms.
Yeah.
-------------------------
Hey, guess what? I'm trying to make a living writing blogs about the dumb things of everyday life. How am I doing this? With the help of the folks at iBizTraining.com, an online training resource that shows you how to run your own online business (Online Training, Online Business. My God, it fits!!). Find out more at http://www.ibiztraining.com/
The best sportswriters in the world are women (I have always said this). And the best in the world is none other than my girlfriend Ramona Shelburne, sports columnist for the Los Angeles Daily News. Read more about her at http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ramona_Shelburne
There's a high standard in today's fashion world. And no one meets that standard better than Spooles, which provides customers with high-quality purses and other accessories that are both affordable and trendy. Get trendy!! Go to http://www.spooles.com/
There's a cowgirl inside every woman: Elusive, passionate, untamed (I wrote that myself!!). Elusive Cowgirl caters to the free spirit within you, priding themselves on a special line of high-quality products unique on its own yet tailored to fit your everyday style. Find your inner cowgirl: Visit http://www.elusivecowgirl.com/
The laziest man in Earth…is blogging about it. Go to www.lazyhank.com and find out more.
Over the past few months, I've had a few rather exceptionally whacked-out conversations with my mom, who -- being from Brooklyn and Jewish -- is more nuts than most.
Observe:
-----------------------------
Nev's Mom: Nevin, I'm not so sure about this Content Editor job.
Nev: Well like I said, Mom, I'm just talking with them. No formal offer has been made.
Nev's Mom: I know, but with Wonder Bread going out of business...
Nev: I know but...wait, what?
Nev's Mom: You didn't hear? Wonder Bread is going out of business.
Nev: Um...OK.
Nev's Mom: Nevin, hello? Wonder Bread!
Nev: What does Wonder Bread have to do with my job search?
Nev's Mom: Well, if Wonder Bread can go out of business, don't you think this company you're talking to can go out of business too?
Nev: That...that makes absolutely no sense!! Mom, the Content Editor job deals with loyalty services. That's, like, credit card rewards points. Wonder Bread deals with...bread.
Nev's Mom: I'm just saying: It's a scary time in the business world. If Wonder Bread goes out of business, then that makes me worry more about you.
Nev: But I don't...work with bread.
Nev's Mom: But you eat sandwiches!!
----------------------------------
Nev's Mom: Who is your Internet provider?
Nev: AT&T.
Nev's Mom: Why don't you have Verizon?
Nev: Because AT&T was the main provider in my coverage area.
Nev's Mom: But isn't Verizon your cell service?
Nev: Yeah.
Nev's Mom: So why isn't Verizon your Internet provider?
Nev: Um...I don't know.
Nev's Mom: Well, wouldn't that make more sense?
Nev: Mom, when I moved into my apartment, they told me AT&T was the main Internet provider here. So I got AT&T.
Nev's Mom: Did you at least consider Verizon?
Nev: Why are you asking me this two years later?
Nev's Mom: Because I'm concerned.
Nev: About what? My Internet?
Nev's Mom: Yes!
Nev: Why?
Nev's Mom: Because Verizon is your cell phone. And you have two different technologies and two different companies and...I just worry!! What if they don't work well together and they explode?!?
----------------------------
And finally:
Nev's Mom: Don't forget to get your brake pads done.
Nev: Mom, I don't have to do that for, like, 3-4 months.
Nev's Mom: I know, but I'm just reminding you.
Nev: You're reminding me about something I won't do for four months?
Nev's Mom: Well, what if you forget?
Nev: Well, if you're so worried, why don't you remind me in, like, four months?
Nev's Mom: Well, why don't you write yourself a note so I don't have to remind you four months in advance?!?
---------------------
My favorite line was the "technologies not working together and exploding" thing. I confess: I didn't see that one coming. That was a new one.
Moms.
Yeah.
-------------------------
Hey, guess what? I'm trying to make a living writing blogs about the dumb things of everyday life. How am I doing this? With the help of the folks at iBizTraining.com, an online training resource that shows you how to run your own online business (Online Training, Online Business. My God, it fits!!). Find out more at http://www.ibiztraining.com/
The best sportswriters in the world are women (I have always said this). And the best in the world is none other than my girlfriend Ramona Shelburne, sports columnist for the Los Angeles Daily News. Read more about her at http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ramona_Shelburne
There's a high standard in today's fashion world. And no one meets that standard better than Spooles, which provides customers with high-quality purses and other accessories that are both affordable and trendy. Get trendy!! Go to http://www.spooles.com/
There's a cowgirl inside every woman: Elusive, passionate, untamed (I wrote that myself!!). Elusive Cowgirl caters to the free spirit within you, priding themselves on a special line of high-quality products unique on its own yet tailored to fit your everyday style. Find your inner cowgirl: Visit http://www.elusivecowgirl.com/
The laziest man in Earth…is blogging about it. Go to www.lazyhank.com and find out more.
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