Friday, January 8, 2010

Self-Serve Butter Dispensers For Movie Theater Popcorn: A Nevin Barich Blog Experience

I'm sure everyone who reads this blog has at one time or another eaten popcorn when they've gone to the movie theater. After all, popcorn is a movie theater staple. I know some folks who can't imagine sitting in a theater without a large tub of popcorn in their hands.

But lately, I've noticed the next stage in the evolution (or, depending on your view, the de-evolution) of movie theater popcorn:

The self-serve liquid butter dispenser.

Instead of the concession stand worker putting the butter on the popcorn for you -- and taking your "can I have extra butter on that" or "no butter please. I'm watching my weight" requests -- you can now handle the butter responsibility yourself. You don't want butter? Head right into the theater. Want a ton? Head over to the self-serve thingy and let the butter times roll.

Now here's my question:

Who the hell in their right mind thought this was a good idea?!?!

Listen: Today's society is fat. Let's just get that right out in the open. More than half of you who read this blog are overweight. The statistics don't lie. And now y'all are gonna get fatter because you're gonna take an-already fattening snack in movie popcorn and make it infinitely worse by putting scores of liquid butter on top.

I mean, people simply can't be trusted to act responsibly when it comes to do-it-yourself liquid butter. For the fatsos of the world, this will be like Homer Simpson in the Land of Chocolate. Why don't you just put a recovering cocaine addict in a room filled to the brim with white powder? I mean, it's essentially the same thing when you think about.

And skinny people will struggle too. When they walk past that self-serve liquid butter dispenser, they're going to wonder. They're going to think to themselves: "Hmm, what's it like?" They'll imagine themselves putting the butter on their popcorn and they'll eventually utter the words that will spell their doom:

Oh what the hell. One time can't hurt.

And their downward spiral will begin.

Eventually: You have even more fat people.

This is bad, folks. Bad bad bad. I mean, at least self-serve soda fountains have diet options. But with self-serve butter, there are no buffers. There's just the single fattening option. And the only defense is a man and woman's own self-control.

In other words...

...we're doomed.


And now for this week's:


Some guy paid $330,000 in real money for a virtual space station in the game Project Entropia.

So to review:

Some guy had enough to pay $330,000 for something that doesn't, nor will ever, exist.

But don't worry. According to the article, the guy who paid for this "will be able to make money on his investment by taxing players who visit it, shop there, or use its extensive hunting facilities."

I'm sure the hunting facilities will draw a crowd.


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Michelle said...

Hi Nev,

Can I just say that I over serve myself on those things..that I have to get extra napkins so when butter leaks out of the popcorn bag…the napkins will soak up all the grease before it could stain my clothes. LOL


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