Trying To Decide On Pizza Toppings: A Nevin Barich Blog Experience

Not long ago, I had some folks over for the Super Bowl and poker. As per tradition when you have folks over for sporting events and cards, I called upon the one food staple that has always been featured prominently in such events:

Pizza.

Now here's the thing when it comes to ordering pizza for a group of people: It's always difficult for me to decide which toppings to get on each pizza. Deciding how many pizzas to get is pretty simple. Just take the number of people you're having over, count up how many slices are in each pizza, do some basic division, and you're good to go (Note: Always order thick or pan crust. It generally works best for parties).

But pizza toppings have admittedly always thrown me off when ordering for large groups. Back in the old days, it used to be simple. Cheese. Pepperoni. The occasional sausage. But today, everybody has weird preferences. Veggie only. Certain kinds of cheese. Canadian bacon. Onions are OK but not bell peppers. Pineapple.

Freakin' pineapple. I mean...really?

So prior to ordering the pizzas, me and my friend Josh -- who came over prior to the pizza order -- spent 30 minutes going over the pros and cons of which pizza toppings to get on which pizza. And our conversation went something like this:

Me: OK, so we're getting four pizzas. Let's go over toppings.

Josh: OK.

Me: We should definitely have one pepperoni.

Josh: Definitely. Pepperoni's a must.

Me: And one Meat Lover's should work.

Josh: Good call. People like meat.

Me: And what do we do about veggies?

(pause)

Josh: Cheese?

Me: See, I was thinking that too. But these days, people want veggies on their pizza.

Josh: Yeah, that's true.

(pause)

Josh: Veggie Lover's pizza?

Me: Let me see what's on that.

(pause)

Me: Onions, bell peppers, onions, tomatoes and olives.

Josh: Man. That's a lot of veggies.

Me: I know!

(pause)

Me: I'm worried about the tomatoes.

Josh: Yeah. I mean, you already have tomato sauce. Doesn't that make tomatoes kind of redundant.

Me: Yeah, it does. I mean, it just throws the whole thing off.

(pause)

Josh: What if you got one cheese and one with a couple of veggie toppings?

Me: Hmm. That could work. But which veggie toppings?

(pause)

Me: People seem to like mushrooms.

Josh: Yeah, mushrooms would work.

(pause)

Josh: Mushrooms and onions?

Nev: I don't know. I mean, I like onions. But are onions really popular across the board?

Josh: Yeah, good point. I'm not sure.

(pause)

Josh: Bell peppers and onions?

Nev: Huh. (thinks) Let's put that in the maybe pile.

Josh: OK.

(pause)

Josh: I got it!

Nev: You do? What?

Josh: Jalapenos and onions!

(pause)

Nev: Kind of spicy, no?

Josh: Yeah, that's true.

(pause)

Josh: You know, Nev. It is pizza. If you just buy it and put it in front of people, they'll just eat it.

Nev: You know what, Josh? You have a point.

And Josh did.

In the end, we got a Meat Lover's, a Pepperoni Lover's, a Cheese Lover's and one pizza with mushrooms and olives.

And everyone swallowed up every pizza pie.

What we learned:

1) Veggies are always the monkey wrench when it comes to pizza toppings. Know why? Because veggie toppings should be a compliment, a sidekick. They shouldn't be the primary topping(s). So you vegetarians are ruining it for the rest of us.

And 2) When it comes to pizza, don't over-analyze. Just buy the pizza and people will eat it, regardless of what's on it.

Like dogs.

:-)

And now for this week's:

SIGN OF THE APOCALYPSE

Pippa Middleton, the sister of England's new Princess Katherine, has been offered $5 million to appear in a porn film...for just one scene.

Here's my question:

What does "one scene" mean in the porn world? Does it mean just walking in and out of the room, as you watch other people do it? Or does she just have sex with one guy, and that counts as a scene? How does this work? What does Pippa have to do -- and how many -- for this $5 million?

You need to read the fine print, I always say.