Babysitting My Two Little Girl Cousins: A Nevin Barich Blog Experience

I haven't babysat in a long time, but babysitting boys is pretty straightforward. See, boys are relatively simple creatures, especially if you were once a boy because you can relate to their interests and their mindset. When you're babysitting boys, you just need to know the following:

If they're hungry, order pizza.

If they get dirty, hose them down in the background.

If they get troublesome, grab them by the collar, lift them up, look them straight in the eye, and say:

I'm bigger than you.

And finally, if they need a lesson in right and wrong, plop them in front of the TV and have them watch World Wrestling Federation matches from the 1980s. Hitting someone with a steel chair, you explain, is bad.

So when my wife Ramona asked recently if I would babysit her little cousins tonight while her and some of her out-of-town family went to dinner, you would think there'd be no problem, right?

Just one thing, however:

Ramona's cousins were girls.

9-year-old Cora and 4-year-old Aya were the two little ones I was asked to watch over this evening. And admittedly, I was a little worried. I mean...these were girls. What do girls play with? What do they eat? Are they crazy and emotional at the ages of 9 and 4, like their older brethren? How was I going to relate to them? I had nothing to fall back on; no experiences, no female bonding stories, no Barbie dolls (excuse the stereotype, but...hey.)

So when the girls arrived, I was a bit on edge. I mean, I had seen and played with them many times. But this was different. I was watching them. I was alone with them. I was responsible for them. What would happen with me in charge? What if something...I don't know...female happened?

And the final verdict? For one kid, it was no problem. Cora is without question the most responsible 9-year-old on Earth. She ate her dinner when asked, she brushed her teeth when asked, she was quiet during the movie, she even put herself to sleep because "it was past her bedtime." She didn't even finish her ice cream because "I don't want to spoil my appetite for dinner."

Cora is 9 going on responsible adult, and it made the job for Babysitter Nev a breeze.

And then there was 4-year-old Aya.

Aya Aya Aya. Where do I begin?

Let's start with the Mac and Cheese.

I heard that the girls loved Mac and Cheese, so I bought them the microwavable kind that you can make in 4 minutes. Pretty easy...except Aya wouldn't eat it.

"It's too hot," she said.

OK.

10 minutes later.

"It's too hot."

20 minutes later.

"It's too hot."

30 minutes later, when the damn thing was ice cold.

"It's too hot."

And finally, I took action.

"Aya, sweetie," I said, "I think it's fine."

And you know what she said?

"OK."

And she began to eat it.

Sometimes...it's the simple solutions.

And then there was the brushing of the teeth.

"I don't want to brush my teeth," Aya said.

Now I get where Aya's coming from. Every little one, boy or girl, hates brushing their teeth. It's an unnecessary chore, they figure. The problem, however, is that it is very difficult to break the child's will on this, especially if you're me and you're a big softy who gives Aya ice cream before dinner and generally will do whatever she wants and says.

But still, I knew her mom would be pissed if the teeth weren't brushed. So I tried something:

"Aya, come with me," I said.

And I led her into the bathroom, her toothbrush and toothpaste in hand.

"I'M NOT BRUSHING MY TEETH!!" she announced.

"No no, I know," I replied. "But I need your help. I want to brush my teeth, and I need you to tell me if I'm doing it right."

And I put some toothpaste on my toothbrush...and began brushing my cheek.

"No no," she said. "You're doing it wrong!!"

"Well, how do I do it?" I asked.

And I began brushing my other cheek.

"No silly!!" she said. "You put it on your teeth." And she began brushing, without toothpaste.

"OK wait, hold on," I replied. And I put some toothpaste on her brush. "Show me again."

And she began brushing her teeth, educating me on how to make them clean.

"And then we spit," she said.

And we spit into the sink, both our smiles a little brighter.

And finally, there was the movie we all watched: The Adventures of Milo and Otis. A story about a cat (Milo) and a dog (Otis) who get into a crazy adventure, with Otis having to find Milo after he accidentally wanders too far from home.

Twenty minutes in, Aya came in with the questions.

"Which one is Milo?" she asked.

"The cat," I said.

"Which one is Otis?"

"The dog."

"Oh.

And then...

"What is Milo doing?" she asked.

"Trying to find his way home," I said.

"And what's Otis doing?"

"Trying to find Milo."

"Why?"

"So they can go home."

Oh.

And later:

"Where's Milo?" she asked.

"In the swamp," I said.

"Where's Otis?"

"In the cotton fields."

"What's cotton?"

"That white stuff."

"Why is it moving?"

"It's blowing in the wind."

"Why?"

"Because wind blows."

"Why?

"Because that's what wind does."

"Why?"

(pause)

"Aya, I just don't know."

(pause)

"Oh."

And lastly:

"Who's Milo?" she asked.

My verbal reply was "the cat."

My non-verbal reply was:

Are you f***in' serious?

If Aya was a boy, I'd of hosed him down in the backyard right then and there.

:-)

And now for this week's:

SIGN OF THE APOCALYPSE

Megan Fox and Brian Austin Green were recently married.

A love that will no doubt last throughout the ages...or until Megan's next lesbian tryst.