Friday, July 31, 2009

The Las Vegas Bachelor Party Recap: A Nevin Barich Blog Experience

Nevdogg Note: Last week, I wrote about my anticipation leading up to my bachelor party weekend in Las Vegas (for new readers of mine, I am getting married on Aug. 22). I was originally going to leave it at that and not talk about anything that happened during the bachelor party. After all:

What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas. :-)

But then the following three things happened:

1) The trip was funny as hell.

2) It was the most fun I had in a long, long time.

And 3) I managed not to break any of my fiancee Ramona's "if you do anything insanely stupid, like get a tattoo, sleep with another woman or marry someone else in a drunken haze, I'm gonna chop your balls off and watch you bleed to death" rules of conduct.

In short: What the hell is stopping me from writing about this? :-)

So without further adieu, here's a breakdown of my bachelor party. Other participants: Kevin (my best friend, my best man, married); Joe (groomsman, also married); Jeremy (bachelor party planner extraordinaire, also married); Carlos (Latin guy, don't call him Mexican because he's not, single); and Evan (lawyer by day, lady killer by night, single):


9:30 a.m., on the way to Vegas.

Kevin: Yeah, the Hoover Dam tour just isn't what it used to be.

The quote of the trip, by far.

10 a.m., on the way to Vegas. We stop to pick up Jeremy. We're packing everything in our rented SUV when Carlos picks up one of my bags.

Nev: Hey Carlos, be careful with that. That's my laptop bag.


Carlos: Why the hell are you bringing your laptop?

Nev: So I can check my e-mail and ESPN.

Carlos: Dude, this is your bachelor party in Vegas. You shouldn't be wasting your time on a laptop.

Nev: But what if I want to check my scores?

Carlos: Dude, live without sports for a couple of days.

Nev: That's crazy talk!!

Carlos: Nevin, this is your bachelor party. You should be able to do what you want.

Nev: Fine. I want to bring my laptop.

Carlos: No.

Nev: You just said I can do what I want.

Carlos: Except bring the laptop.

Nev: It's coming with us.

Carlos: It's not.

Nev: It's coming with us.

Carlos: It's not.

Nev: What if I let you borrow it for 10 minutes during the trip so you can watch porn?

Carlos: (sighs)

(the others come to the SUV)

Carlos: Guys, listen to this: Nevin is bringing his laptop. How lame is that?

Jeremy: I'm bringing my laptop.

Kevin: Me too.

Evan: I'm checking e-mails on my blackberry.


Carlos: You guys are stupid!!

Nev: Maybe so. But anything we don't know, we'll look up on the Internet.

11 a.m. Stop for a late breakfast in Irwindale. Evan and Carlos, the single guys, discuss to the rest of the group how talking to ladies is done in today's times:

Evan: Nev, what do you think a guy says when he's talking to a girl?

Nev: Um, I don't know. What do you do for a living?

Evan: No no no. It's about non-communication communication.

Carlos: Totally!! Non-communication communication.

(Nev and Kev look at each other, confused and unconvinced looks spreading across their faces)

Evan: It's about just looking at her. Not saying a word. Just looking at her. Catching her eye. Making it known that you see her, but don't need to rush it.

Carlos: Not rushing is key. Just maintain the eye contact and put out the vibe.

Evan: The vibe.

Carlos: The vibe.


Kevin: Um, when do you actually go and talk to her?

Evan: Her body will tell you when.

Carlos: Oh yeah. It totally will.

Nev: Her body will tell me when?

Evan: Trust me, Nev. This is how it works today.

Nev: But what do you say when you actually approach her?

Evan: You just go up to her and say:

"Hey, you seem like a really interesting person and I just wanted to come over and see what you're about."

(Evan and Carlos lean back and give each other a triumphant nod. Nev and Kev, meanwhile, give each other quizzical looks)

Kev: I think I speak for Nevin and I when I say: You two are imbeciles.

Nev: I'm sending you the "imbecile" vibe right now. Can you feel it?

Kev: I can feel it.

Nev: That's because my body is telling you when.

Noon. Quick piss stop in Hesperia when...


Everyone Else: WHERE?!? WHERE?!?

We proceed to follow the wienermobile to a shopping center parking lot where, along with a crowd of about 50 people, we take numerous photos with it from all different angles.

The trip is mere hours old and is already a success.

5:30 p.m. We get to Vegas -- we stayed at the Luxor -- and everyone convened in my room to discuss the plan for the evening. It should be noted that while I was not involved in my bachelor party planning -- Kevin and Jeremy handled that -- I did veto an early idea about going to see a Beatles show. I like the Beatles but am not crazy gaga about them like so many others. Nevertheless...

Carlos: So guys, Evan and I had an idea for tonight.

Evan: Yeah, we really need to go see the Beatles Cirque du Soleil show Love.

Carlos: It's awesome!!

Nev: Ah guys, I don't know. I'm not the biggest Beatles fan.

Evan: But Nevin, it's rad.

Carlos: You really have to see this.

Evan: Totally.

Nev: Uh, I'll be honest. I don't know if I'm feeling it.

Evan: Nev, let me just read you a description about the show.

(Evan grabs a hotel brochure off my desk)

Evan (reading): Born from a personal friendship and mutual admiration between the late George Harrison and Cirque founder Guy Laliberté, LOVE brings the magic of Cirque du Soleil together with the spirit and passion behind the most beloved rock group of all time to create a vivid, intimate and powerful entertainment experience.

Jeremy: Hey, let me see that brochure.

(Evan hands the brochure to Jeremy.)

Jeremy: Hey we can also see Fantasy at Luxor. Hot naked women...

Nev (interrupting): Sold!!

What can I say? Evan's a lawyer, but Jeremy made a more persuasive argument. :-)

7 p.m. We're eating dinner at Tacos and Tequila at the Luxor. Jeremy orders a shot of Patron Silver tequila for everyone. Now I hardly ever drink. Even in college, I was a light drinker. I had a kahlua and cream over 4th of July weekend that was my first drink in 18 months. So when the shots came, I had to ask Jeremy the following:

Nev: OK, so: What's the order?

Jeremy: You lick the salt off your hand, you down the tequila, and then you bite into the lime.

Nev: OK. Salt, tequila, lime. Salt, tequila, lime.

I take a breath, we hold our shot glasses, and the salt licking, tequila downing and lime biting commences.

(I cough 5-6 times.)

Jeremy: What do you think?

Nev: (coughs) Smooooootttthhhh. (coughs)

(Note: By the time the second shot came around, I was licking the salt, downin' the Patron and biting the lime quicker than anyone at the table. I'm a quick study. LOL)

8 p.m. We've been served all night by a cute little 22-year-old blond waitress named Molly. Near the end of dinner, we start chatting her up. Interestingly enough, it was the married and soon-to-be married guys at the table -- me, Kevin and Jeremy (Joe was meeting us in Vegas the following day) -- who were doing the talking while the vibe-sending single guys stayed quiet. Finally, Carlos spoke during the following exchange:

Nev: So you said you're a student?

Molly: Yeah. I go to UNLV.

Nev: What are you studying?

Molly: Ultrasounds.

Carlos: Oh really? And what are you planning to do with that degree?


Molly: Um...ultrasounds.

Jeremy: She's gonna fly jets, Carlos.

It's OK Carlos. Points for trying. :-)

10:30 p.m. -- 11:45 p.m. The Fantasy at Luxor. 75 minutes of nothing but hot naked women on stage

Nev to Carlos: And you wanted to see the Beatles.

Carlos didn't answer. He was in a bit of a daze. But I think my message came through. :-)


We all meet up for a late breakfast and then meet Joe in the Luxor sportsbook. Joe had come up to Vegas separately with his wife Kristy, who had already planned a trip to Vegas with her friends. All of us are milling around in the sportsbook chatting for a bit when a horrible sin -- a break of a bachelor party by-law -- is committed:

Kristy: Hi Nev. Just wanted to say hello real quick.

Kristy chats me up for a minute and leaves.


No no no no no. A wife or girlfriend never -- and I mean NEVER -- stops in to say hello during a guy's bachelor party. I!! It just can't be tolerated.

Nev to Joe: You know you're gonna get %$#@& for that by the guys later, right?

Joe: (sighs) I know, I know.

Suffice to say: The rest of the trip was a bit rough on Joe.

4:30 p.m. We all part ways for a few hours to do our own thing. After finishing second in a poker tournament, I head to my room to get ready for the evening when I get a text from my friend Tiffany. Tiffany's mom, apparently, has come up with a special "bachelor party dare" for me to do.

I accept the challenge.

More on this later. :-)

6:30 p.m. We're all eating dinner at the Rio Around The World Carnival Buffet (my favorite place to eat in Vegas) where, in quick succession, I am given both a double shot of Patron Silver (smoooooottthhhhh) and a Washington Apple, which consists of Canadian whiskey, sour apple schnapps and cranberry juice. As a result, I become a little...out of it. :-) Everything to me is now hysterical, I find myself juggling a Heinz ketchup bottle for my amusement, and in this intoxicated state I participate in the following exchange:

Joe: You know Carlos, you really should go after older white women.

Carlos: Really?

Joe: Definitely. They'll like you.

Nev: OH TOTALLY!!!! (I was a little loud. Remember: I'm a bit looped). Dude, chase after older white women. A lot of them are really hot, and they'll like you because they can fulfill their GARDENER FANTASY!!!!

(dead silence except for me pounding the table in hysterics. I look up at Carlos.)

Nev: See, you're the gardener and...

Carlos: Yeah Nev, I got it. I got it.

I have to sincerely thank Carlos for not kicking the crap out of me right then. That's a true friend. :-)

9:30 p.m. We stop at an Irish pub at New York New York for my traditional bachelor party roasting. Now at these things, you normally get a lot of gag gifts of a sexual nature that are meant to embarrass the hell out of the bachelor. In my was no different. :-) The "highlight" of my gag gifts, by far, was an inflatable sex toy lamb that I was ordered to walk around with in plain sight for the rest of the evening.

Now initially, I was horrified as hell. But I'll tell you something: Women all over the place were coming toward me, wanting to pet my lamb (which I named Molly). I mean, this thing was a conversation starter!! I offered it to the single boys Evan and Carlos for their use -- they declined -- and even whispered to Kevin at one point:

Why the hell didn't we think of this when we were single?

Observe the following exchanges:

Random Hot Blond Girl At The Irish Pub: Oh, I love your lamb!!

Nev: Her name is Molly.

Hot Blond Girl: Aww, that's so cute!! You named her?

Nev: Would you like to dance with us?

Hot Blond Girl: Sure!!

See? :-)

And later:

Another Random Hot Girl: Hey nice lamb.

Nev: Thanks!! We just met tonight.

Another Random Hot Girl: Yeah, I recently bought an inflatable beaver. Want to come up to my room later and see?

I politely declined -- I'm a one-woman guy -- but I'm telling you, my single guy readers:

Inflatable lamb.

It'll change your life.


10:30 p.m. - Midnight. My boys got me tickets to see Zumanity, the nude Cirque du Soleil show. Kevin, Jeremy and I had actually seen it before -- at Kevin's bachelor party in 2007 -- but since it involves hot naked girls bending in ways never before seen, I wasn't complaining. LOL Besides:

We had third-row seats!!

As a result, we had a bird's eye view (pun intended) of my favorite part of the show: Two hot Asian chicks frolicking in a large water bowl.

The women jump in the water.

Nev: They're bending.

The women jump out of the water.

Nev: They're bending.

The women go back in the water.

Nev: They're bending.

The women lift their legs high.

Nev: THEY'RE BENDING!!! (holds my lamb in triumph)

My bachelor party was better than Kevin's. I apologized to him. He accepted.

And finally:

12:15 a.m.

You remember that dare? :-)

Earlier in the night, I asked Kevin to be sure to bring his camera as it had a function to record videos. I call everyone in for a huddle in the middle of the New York New York slot machines:

Nev: OK listen up. I'm gonna start playing some slots. Kevin, you stay behind me and start filming. Everyone else, just stay back. Kev, no matter what happens, you keep filming!! And guys: If you see security coming, squawk like eagles.

Worry permeated on everyone's faces. Nonetheless, I had accepted the challenge.

I start playing the slots. A minute later:

Nev: Oh my God. Oh my God. OH MY GOD!!! I WON!!! I WON!!! I WON I WON I WON!!! OH MY GOD OH MY GOD OH MY GOD!!!! I DID IT!!! I DID IT!!! I HIT THE JACKPOT!!!!

(I high-five the old ladies to the right of me.)

(I give Evan a bear hug.)

(I high-five the blackjack players to the left of me.)

(I leap into Joe's arms and raise my arm like I just won the Super Bowl. That part looks especially good on video).

(I run back into the middle of the slots)

Random Casino Patron: How much did you win?


(people stop cheering)

Nev: A DOLLAR!!!

(cheering has not re-commenced)

Nev: And in today's economy, that means something!!

(dead silence)

Nev: Thank you, and I now return you to your regularly schedule gambling.

By this point, people were pissed. No matter. We got it on video, my boys thought it was hysterical, and besides:

It was a double dog dare.


We ended the night by heading to the coffee shop for a quick bite to eat. By 2 a.m., everyone else had gone to bed. Me? I stayed up to gamble for a while, winning $350 playing cash poker and 3-card poker before turning in at about 4:30 a.m., my head pounding, my throat dry and the biggest smile spreading over my face.

My bachelor party.

The most fun I had had in a long time.

Vegas baby.



And now for this week's:


Next Thursday, Aug. 6, I turn 30.

Any guess as to what next week's blog topic will be about? :-)


Amber said...

Wait, wait, wait. Are you saying my husband has had video of you acting like an idiot at a casino for a WEEK and I haven't seen it yet?!?!?!?

I sooooo know what we're watching when he gets home tonight!

Carlos said...

I like how you made yourself look like the best one out of all of us. Next time, write how it really happened you lying sack of sh*t.

Also, thank you for making me look so mature when you mentioned the gardener statement even though that isn't how it happened.

Glad you had a good time, it was fun.

Kristy said...

thank you for teaching me about bachelor party i'm going to kick joe's ass! ;)

Dave said...

Hi Nev. Just wanted to let you know, Minette was cracking up reading your bachelor party story.

Dialogue went something like this: "Laptop--bwaahahahaha!" "Carlos--bwahahahaha!" "Carlos again--bwahahahahahaaha!"
(Actually the last one was me.)

Buy Carlos a lamb! And get Joe a penguin while you're at it. I'm sure he'll find a use for it.

Ramona said...

Carlos, just consider it an honor Nevin writes about you so much. Now you're famous amongst his 200 weekly readers :)

So what if there's a little ``dramatic license'' taken. You're famous!

Carlos said...

Good point Ramona. . . :)

Another Suburban Mom said...

Glad you had fun at your bachelor party! I hope the wedding will be a wonderful day.

Also, are you going to blog Project Runway Season 6?

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Great stuff, sounds like you had a good time. Remember to not reveal too much, or say anything incriminating about your trip. I'm a big fan of Vegas bachelor party trips, they are always fun.

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