This week, I've had to deal with a lot of Scrooges in my life.
For example, my buddy Carlos and I were at the mall last night for dinner when a couple of little girls came up to us selling these little candy canes with a teddy bear on them. I thought the kids were cute so I thought, "Sure, why not" and bought a cane for $3.
As the girls walked away, I caught Carlos' eye.
Carlos: What the hell's wrong with you?
Nev: What?
C: That candy cane cost $3!!
N: So what?
C: It's $3!!
N: It's the holidays.
C: It's $3 for something that costs a quarter at the liquor store!!
N: Carlos, they're kids.
C: They're scammers!!
N: They're not scammers.
C: They're hoodlums!! Praying on the gullible.
N: Have a heart. It's Christmas time.
C: It is for them. You just gave them $3 for nothin'.
N: It has a bear on it.
C: It's a candy cane.
N: A bear on it.
C: A candy cane!!
(pause)
C: Besides, you're Jewish.
And there's the people at my work.
Co-Worker # 1: I don't like Christmas carols.
Co-Worker # 2: Me neither. They're cheesy.
OK, pause. First off, how the hell can someone not like Christmas carols? They're Christmas carols!! What's not to like?
Co-Worker # 2: But they're cheeeeeessssyyyyyy.
Of course they're cheesy. They're old!! All old songs are cheesy. But Chrismas carols are supposed to be cheesy. And sappy. And "love thy fellow man"-y. Slient Night. Jingle Bells. Noel. Christmas Canon.
Co-Worker # 1: They're all stupid.
Co-Worker # 2: I agree.
(pause)
I hope they're visited by three ghosts.
And finally, there's Co-Worker # 3:
You know the song "Christmas Shoes"? It's a cute, cheesy song about a boy who's trying to buy some shoes for his dying mom because he wants her to look beautiful "if Mamma meets Jesus tonight."
It's beautiful. It's moving.
Co-Worker # 3: Why didn't he buy her a sweater?
Co-Worker # 1: Seriously!! What dying woman would want shoes?
Co-Worker # 2: I agree.
Unbelievable.
You know what these people need?
$3 candy canes.
With bears on them.
And now for this week's:
SIGN OF THE APOCALYPSE
Scarlett Johannsson blew her nose while on the Jay Leno show and is now selling the snot rag on eBay for charity.
High bid thus far is over $2,000.
If you're bidding on this item...
...there's no hope for you.
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6 comments:
Carlos and your co-workers are right. You've been conned.
Ok Nevin, make me look like the bad guy. We are in a rescission and I was just looking out for my real good friend, that's all. :)
Three dollars for a candy cane!!!!! I will never get you. You go nuts for the price of a McDonalds cheeseburger going to a $1.29 but yet it is ok to spend $3.00 for a candy cane which is .25 cents at WalMart.
Also, I do agree with your co-workers about Christmas Carols, it sucks!!! For the Holidays, play some Metallica, Classic Rock, Punk - that will get me in the sprit.
In addition, who gives a sh!t about buying shoes for a dying mom. God doesn't care what kind of shoes one wears to get into Heaven. The kid should be more concern making sure that she has a good last meal, the best doctors and making sure if there is anything to cure my mom. F*ck the shoes, I would be calling House M.D. to save my mom. My song will be get me the best health care and doctor.
Nev- You are so sweet! I love that you are in the Christmas Spirit. You would be welcome at my Christmas celebration any time, complete with cheesy carols, readings of the night before Christmas, the kids in matching jammies, and a full day of eating, including stuffed french toast for breakfast, baked ziti for dinner and cookies all day long.
Can I come too ASM? that sounds awesome!
Of course you can come Ramona! Someone is going to have to keep Nev in line.
I'll do a nice lasange next year.
And people who aren't in the spirit or care about the holidays wonder why they're always searching for something, feeling empty and never seem happy with the little things in life....
Good for you, Nev.
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