Saturday, July 5, 2008

Debating Whether We Would Be Better Off Being Ruled By The British: A Nevin Barich Independence Day Weekend Blog Special

(Don't forget to also check out my podcast entitled Things That Matter With Mike And Nev. Only at

A few days ago, I was watching The Patriot -- starring Mel Gibson, who for the remainder of this blog will be referred to as Jew Hating Mel, and Heath Ledger, who for the remainder of this blog will be referred to as Mulch. In this movie, Jew Hating Mel and his oldest son Mulch help lead the United States militia to victory over the British during the Revolutionary War. Although Mulch eventually dies, much like real life, the efforts of him and JHM help the U.S. gain their independence from the tyranny of England.

And thus a nation is born.

But as we celebrate this Fourth of July holiday weekend, I can't help but wonder: What if Jew Hating Mel and his mulch of a son had failed? What if the British had managed to overcome the American rebellion? Would we have been better off remaining under English rule.

I say yes.

Here are three reasons why:

Taxes. We started a war against the British because of taxes. Yet here we are, 232 years later, and guess what? We're still paying ridiculous taxes!! What, I ask you, was the point? It's obvious to me that JHM and Mulch risked their lives for nothing. We paid crazy taxes before the war and we're paying crazy taxes now.

We might as well have let the British have their way with us.

At least we'd have universal health care.

Manufacturing. My car is a Toyota. Toyotas are Japanese. Why do I drive a Japanese car? Because American products suck. Whether it's cars, clothes, homes, canned goods, paper products or electronics, everything we make is flawed, flimsy and needlessly complicated.

We won our freedom to build a new world. And because we did such a bad job, we're forced to fill it with foreign products.

We make a hell of a Big Mac, though.

Give us that.

National anthems. The British national anthem is just plain cool. It lasts approximately seven seconds -- so it's easy to remember -- and everyone always gets really into it at soccer and boxing matches. Plus, awesome people like my good friend Tom Jones sing it at sporting events on a regular basis.

The Star Spangled Banner, meanwhile, is idiotic. First, it makes no sense. Second, it has the word "bombs" in it (that's just stupid). And third, everyone sings it differently. Why does every American that sings the song feel they have to put their own little spin on it? Isn't it enough that you're singing a sacred song? Why can't there be any unity in this country? We can't agree on how to sing songs, we have different opinions on how to solve the gas crisis, and we're wildly divided on processed vs. organic foods.

And speaking of unity, why is it that sometimes America The Beautiful gets sung instead of The Star Spangled Banner? Why do we mix and match our anthems? What are they, socks? You can't just switch out one anthem for the other whenever you feel like it. You can't give away an anthem if you don't like it. It's not a dog.

And speaking of dogs:

English bulldogs.

Score another point for the Brits.

And now for this week's:


I was a block away from home tonight when I saw hookers walking across the street.


In Northridge.

The Valley.


Well ... score one for the government's economic stimulus package.

(This latest edition of was written with the movie Van Wilder 2 in the background. Just thought I'd point that out.)


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Anonymous said...

Mel Gibson should run for president.

Stephanie said...

I was trying so hard not to laugh when I read the first paragraph of this post at work, that I started to cry. You totally kill me.

stu said...

Some random reasons why you're better off without us:

At least you have a car industry.

Our taxes are every bit as high, mostly to pay for nice things like the NHS.

Even the Scots want to break away.

The national anthem lasts considerably longer than seven seconds and was written by Elgar. You have no idea how much I hate Elgar. Also England, Wales and Scotland have all adopted additional anthems of their own.