Pretending To Understand The Winter Olympics: A Nevin Barich Blog Experience

If you're like me, 95% of the Winter Olympic Games are beyond your understanding. I mean, almost every time I turn it on to watch, some sport is going on that seems nonsensical to me.

Guys pushing one another with sticks. Sledders sledding on their butts. People doing flips on skis. Announcers screaming about "more emotion than I've ever seen in all my years of broadcasting" when it looks to me as if no one has made any sort of facial expression whatsoever.

I'm lost. I admit it. As this year's Winter Olympics conclude tomorrow, I confess that I have no clue what's going on. I mean, I truly am lost. My wife Ramona has been totally into the Olympics, talking about how "the artistry of the South Koreans was just captivating" when all I see are a couple of people wearing sequins and doing random spins.

When I hear people talking about the Olympics and sounding like they know what they're talking about, I nod and smile and say things like "Oh yeah, the Russians are definitely making more of an impact than I expected." But I have no clue what I'm talking about. I really don't.

So here's my take on these Olympics, from the "what the hell is it that I'm watching" perspective:

---The Olympics consist of exactly five athletes: The two hot female skiers, Bode Miller, the guy with the long red hair, and Apolo Ohno (but only because of his soul patch and headbands).

---Everyone in America hates Canadians.

---Everyone in Canada hates Americans.

---Canadian judges are trying to screw over Americans.

---The Olympics are the only time that watching hockey on TV is fun.

---The only other countries involved in the Olympics besides the U.S. and Canada are: Russia, China and South Korea. None of the other countries are on TV; I guess it's because they don't get snow.

---All the athletes pretend to like each other, when really they're thrilled when one of them fails.

---All Olympic married couples announce after their event that they're having kids.

---All Olympic boyfriend-girlfriend couples announce after their event that they're getting married.

---All the women are blonde.

---All the guys, except for the red-headed dude, have dark hair.

---Victory laps on skis are boring.

---Bob Costas knows all.

---And I am convinced that there is a random Olympic sport that I can quickly pick up, try it a few times, and be ready to make a run at a medal in 2014.

You are, too.

Don't lie.

:-)

And now for this week's:

SIGN OF THE APOCALYPSE

A man who recently bought an online virtual island for $26,500 is making more than $100,000 in real money per year off of it.

Apparently, the owner of this virtual island runs Amethera Treasure Island, which he purchased in the virtual world Entropia, as a rare game preserve and taxes hunters on his land.

Reading that last paragraph back, I feel like I'm reading back the minutes of some Star Trek fan club meeting.