I hate you.
I loathe you.
I despise the notion of your very existence.
You are my mortal enemy.
Did I give you permission to breathe my air?
You...don't...belong...here.
Now, let me ask you: Who do you believe would think such morbid thoughts? Terrorists? Rapists? Serial killers?
All worthy guesses, but all incorrect.
No, these thoughts were all thought by me, while watching Game 1 of the NBA Finals.
See, I'm a Laker fan. I grew up in Los Angeles and they've been my favorite basketball team since I was a kid. Tonight was Game 1 of the NBA Finals between the Lakers and Orlando Magic, and at the start of the game they announced the starting lineups for each team. And when they announced the Orlando players on TV, each of these thoughts listed above ran loudly and frequently through my head.
Now: What do I have against Orlando? Nothing. Actually, I like them. They're a fun team to watch and a couple of their players led me to a second-place finish in my fantasy basketball league this year. But tonight, they were opposing the Lakers. My team. The team I grew up with.
And in Los Angeles, that's enough to want to burn you at the stake.
I've been talking to friends of mine who are sports fans from other cities, and I've come to realize something: Sports fans from other cities respect the opposing team. They may cheer for their hometown team, but they appreciate it when the opposing team plays hard, makes good plays and gives a good, honest effort.
In L.A, that just makes us real pissed off. :-)
In L.A., we go by the "If you're not with us, you're against us" train of thought. We don't like opposing teams, we don't appreciate their effort, and we barely tolerate their right to live.
And the fans of these opposing teams have it worse.
To non-Los Angeles fans who attend a sporting event located at Dodgers Stadium, Staples Center, or even Oakland Coliseum for Raider games (because football fans in L.A. still consider the Raiders their team), know this: We don't want you here. You aren't welcome. I frown upon our nation's history of slavery and Jim Crow laws. It's a dark period for our country. That said, I wouldn't mind a couple of "Dodger Fans Only" signs above the restrooms and water fountains at Chavez Ravine. Seriously, if we didn't fear God or the law, we would routinely push you guys down the stairs and take bets on how long it would take for all the blood to come gushing out of your head.
No offense. :-)
Simply put: If you cheer for the opposing team, if you wear the opposing teams colors, we don't want your kind. That said: If you insist on attending a sporting event in Los Angeles and you cheer for the opposing team, memorize the following rules:
1) Don't speak.
2) Don't speak even if we hassle you.
3) We will hassle you.
4) No eye contact.
5) No eye contact even if we scream, "LOOK AT ME %$#*&^%!!!
6) If your team does well, don't cheer.
7) Don't even think about booing when our team does well.
8) Don't even dream about showing teeth if our team does badly.
9) Don't use the bathrooms or water fountains (they're not for you).
And finally:
10) Leave our beach balls alone.
You know who you are.
Follow these rules and you might get out alive.
But I'll be muttering "I hope you die" as you walk out.
:-)
I've decided to phase out the "Sign of the Apocalypse" feature. I feel like it's run its course. Like Eddie Murphy's movie career. :-)
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6 comments:
That was the most beautiful written piece I have ever read! Extremely well done! You brought up excellent points, your logic was flawless, and to simply put it - it was beautiful!
Thank you! That was truly your best blog yet!
I couldn't agree with you any less or any more; if one is here in L.A. and not a Lakers' fan, get the f*ck out.
I hear other city fans saying how L.A. fans just jump on the bandwagon when the Lakers are doing well and not sticking to them when they are doing bad. I just have to say one thing to them (as you beautifully stated in this blog), If you don't like L.A. fans, get the f*ck out then."
In addition, that goes to Frank who is a Boston fan. Can you believe that one? He lived in Boston when he was a baby for about a couple of years or so and he thinks that makes him a Boston fan. Freakin' dork!
Also, that goes to Tony for being a Chicago fan. Then again, he grew up in Chicago, so he has earned the right to cheer for his team unlike dill-hole Frank. That and he is Italian too.
Just have to say this much, it's tough having to learn how to be a Nuggets fan now that i live in Colorado, but go Lakers!
As a NY person living in Boston I can relate to this.
And I loved Signs of the Apocalypse. Instead of having it as a regular feature, just have it when you see something truly worthy.
bro lakers fans ain't that crazy. first of all you stole all of your teams from the east coast (dodgers) and midwest (lakers... couldn't come up with another name? i mean cuz their are a lot of lakes in Southern CA) and lost your only football team to St. Louis that tells you how bad L.A. really is when the owners would prefer St. Louis over L.A. If you wanna see real fans try the Eagles, Yankees, or Rangers (hockey). Oh yeah forgot how terrible the Kings are. As a diehard fan of the all these teams, i still understand one thing it's an f!@#ing game you dip!@#$. by the way, seriously though yellow and purple those are really manly colors!!
Cool story as for me. I'd like to read something more about this theme. Thnx for sharing that info.
Joan Stepsen
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seriously? LA fans are known throughout the nation for complacency, fair weatherness, and showing up late/leaving early. Now you go and say you guys are ravenous? I think you post exhibits what many Los Angelenos are known for. The belief that LA is somehow better than the rest of the nation. Get over yourselves.
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