Recently, my buddy Joe and I went on a weekend road trip to Oakland and Reno, where we saw the Raider game and gambled in-between (OK, technically we used an airplane to get to Oakland, so it was a air-and-road trip). During such excursions, it's only natural that there be a handful of "did-this-just-happen-i-can't-believe-you-just-said-that-jesus-christ-i-can't-believe-we're-sitting-right-in-front-of-the-cheerleaders" moments that only a road trip can provide.
Observe:
.......
On the flight to Oakland
Joe: Nev, look at guy over there.
Nev looks at the row across from him.
Nev: What about him?
J: He's sleeping.
N: So?
J: He's using the whole row as a bed.
N: I've seen people do that before.
J: But we're about to land.
N: Well, I doubt they'll leave him on the plane.
J: Wake him up.
N: What?
J: Wake him up!!
N: No!!
J: Why not?
N: He's sleeping. Let the stewardess wake him.
J: You should do it. Be a friendly airplane neighbor.
N: How? By poking him with a stick?
(pause)
J: I was gonna say throw a bag of peanuts at his head, but the stick idea works too.
.......
Driving through Sacramento on our way to Reno
J: I lived in Sacramento during college.
N: That's your problem.
.......
Still driving to Reno
J: We're entering Fairfield.
(two seconds later)
J: We're leaving Fairfield.
N: Lovely place.
.......
Still driving to Reno
(Joe, a noted history buff, says the following:)
J: Did you know that Roman soldiers would have anal sex with the empire's best warriors because it was believed that doing so would transfer their warrior strength from one to the other.
(pause)
N: Please stop talking.
.......
(In one of the casinos in Reno. Joe and Nev are at the blackjack table, and another person at the table is furious at Nev for the way he cut the cards)
Random Bitter Person: Could you please cut the cards correctly next time?
N: And just how does one do it "correctly?"
RBP: The opposite of how you did it.
N: Why are you complaining? You just won a $50 hand.
RBP: And I just lost $5.
N: Um...so you're up $45.
RBP: You're missing the point.
N: What point? That winning $50 should overshadow the fact that you lost $5?
(pause)
N: Am I confusing you?
.......
(While walking to another casino in Reno)
Random Crazy Person: JESUS CHRIST IS THE ONE FREE MASON!!! JESUS CHRIST IS THE ONE FREE MASON!!!
N: I'll give you a dollar if you tell him you're also a free mason.
J: I'll give you two dollars if you ask him where we can find a good sushi restaurant.
(pause)
N: Touche.
.......
(at the Raider game)
J: I got us great seats.
N: They better be. We paid $110 apiece for them.
(Joe and Nev get to their seats)
J: Dude.
N: Dude.
J: We're right in front of the cheerleaders.
N: Wow.
(throughout the game, Joe and Nev watch the cheerleaders limber up, dance, smile, dance, get water out of their cooler, dance, shake certain parts of their body, and dance)
J: Dude.
N: Dude.
.......
(at the Raider game)
Random Raider Fan: STEER QUEERS!!!
(pause)
J: OK.
.......
(later at the Raider game)
Random Raider Fan: STEER QUEERS!!!
(pause)
N: Um...yeah.
.......
(even later at the Raider game)
Random Raider Fan: STEER QUEERS!!!
J: What does that even mean?
N: I don't know. Don't hit homosexuals with your car when leaving the parking lot?
J: Oh, then we're clear. We walked.
.......
(near the end of the Raider game)
N: Joe, look at the guy in front of us.
J: What about him?
N: He has five Raiderette cheerleaders.
J: Five?
N: Yeah. Look, you can see inside his bag.
(Joe and Nev count)
J: Wow, he does have five. And they're all the same.
N: Why would he buy five of the same calendar?
J: Maybe he has one for Monday-Friday?
N: So...then he would take weekends off?
(pause)
J: Or he could have bought extras for friends.
N: That too.
.......
(the end of the game. Raiders win)
J: WE WON!!!
N: WE WON!!!
J: RAI-DERS!!!!!
N: RAI-DERS!!!!!
Random Raider Fan: STEER QUEERS!!!
And now for this week's:
SIGN OF THE APOCALYPSE
Me and the future wife were at the movies recently and I was waiting in line to get a $12 soda when I heard these two teenage girls yapping stupidly about boys. The father of one of the girls (who was in the next line over and evidently was paying for all their snacks) interupted the girls' conversation to ask what kind of snacks they wanted.
The girls, in a period of 23 seconds, accosted the guy for stopping their conversation, insisted on their own soda, criticized the jacket the guy was wearing, and loudly declared that he was to buy M&Ms (and not sour patches, like he wanted).
"Poor guy," I thought. "That's going to be me some day."
And that's when it hit me.
I was relating more to the portly 55-year-old guy who was buying everything for his bratty daughter and equally bratty friend, than I was to the teenage girls who were embarrassed to even be spoken to by a parental figure.
When did I become so old?
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2 comments:
That Roman soldier story was just way too random to talk about on a road trip with the guys, LOL.
I feel ya about being old; all my friends are married with kids. I think I realize I was getting old when watching MTV was not entertaining anymore but more juvenile, can't identify any of the new mainstream music bands, and rather go to the ArcLight theatre in Hollywood to see a movie because there are no teenagers there that will disrupt the enjoyment of watching a movie.
Oh well.... When are we going out to dinner and no spending three dollars for one candy cane. If you want one real bad we can go to WalMart and buy it for twenty-five cents.
"Did you know that Roman soldiers would have anal sex with the empire's best warriors because it was believed that doing so would transfer their warrior strength from one to the other."
...This is true, Nevin. You and Joe could learn a thing or two from the Romans.
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