Three Things That Always Happens When You Go To The Movies: A Nevin Barich Blog Experience

My girlfriend Ramona and I love going to the movies. It's the "couple" activity that we do. Action films, sappy films, dumb films; we see all the mainstream nonsense, and even a couple of crappy indie flicks that she drags me to.

Now, every time we go to the theater, three things tend to happen, like clockwork. No matter what time of day you go to the movies, regardless of which show you see, these three things are always reliable. Tell me if you experience the same:

Movie Thing That Always Happens # 1: Having the ticket-selling person stare at your 10-year-old student ID for five minutes to determine whether you're really still a student.

Look, movies are expensive. Your average theater ticket can run you a good $11, and that's just insane. That's why, for such financial dilemmas, I carry with me my old student ID from my alma mater Cal State Northridge (Go Matadors!!). Now, being that this photo was taken in the late 1990s, the ID is a bit faded (i.e., you can't read any of the ID text) and the picture looks nothing like me. It is this ID that I always show to the movie's ticket-selling person to save $2.75.

And really, it's become quite funny watching the person's reaction to the ID. They look at the ID, they look at me. They look back to the ID, and quickly dart their eyes back onto me. Back and forth their eyes go, fast and slow in a seeming rhythm of ID checking scrutiny.

They want to ask the question. They want to call me out on it. But for some reason, they never do. They always hesitate. Maybe they're afraid of me yelling at the top of my lungs. Maybe they're afraid I'll give them a beatdown (probably the former). But they always ending up selling me the cheaper ticket, both of us continuing this constant, never-ending lie.

But like I said: It saves me $2.75. :-)

Movie Thing That Always Happens # 2: Getting stuck in front of somebody at the concession stand who has no idea what he or she wants, and ends up ordering $57 worth of stuff.

Movie snacks are expensive. When Ramona and I go to the movies, we buy a large diet coke and split it. That's our little splurge. But regardless of whether she or I go to get the beverage, we are always stuck for six or seven minutes behind someone with two or three bratty kids who act like this is a Sizzler and end up ordering every damn thing off the menu.

And it always happens the same way.

First, the person looks at the menu really, really hard.

And decides to get a hot dog.

Then, after the concession stand person gets them said hot dog, they look really hard at the menu again.

And order nachos.

Then one of their bratty kids screams, "I WANT POPCORN!!"

Popcorn is ordered.

"I WANT A LARGE POPCORN!!"

The parent and child argue over this fact.

The large popcorn is ordered.

Then, having one victory under his or her belt, the bratty kid will ask -- not scream, but ask -- for an Icee.

The parent, relieved that the child didn't scream, orders the Icee.

The the parent, rewarding him or herself for the trials and tribulations they just went through, decides to get junior mints.

Followed by another hot dog.

And then:

"Where's my soda?" the parent asks the concession stand person.

"Oh, you didn't order a soda," the worker replies.

"Doesn't any of this stuff come with a soda?"

"No," the worker replies.

"You charge all this money for food, and none of it comes with a drink?" the parent asks/demands.

"Would you like a soda?" the now-scared worker asks.

"I'm not paying for it!!" the parent decrees.

And really,why should he/she? After all, they've already spent the bratty kid's allergy medicine money on nearly $60 worth of food and drink, 75% of which they won't consume. Kudos to them for taking a stand and insisting that they won't pay an extra $4.50 for a carbonated beverage.

Until...

"I WANT A COKE!!"

I'll let you guess what happens next.

Movie Thing That Always Happens # 3: Having to go to the bathroom when the movie first starts.

It always happens. The Student ID tickets are paid for, the drink is bought after an indeterminable wait at the concession stand, and you're all settled in your seat when the lights go off, the coming attractions are over, the movie starts and...

"Damn it, I have to pee," you realize.

It doesn't matter if you went to the bathroom 10 times beforehand. It doesn't matter if you haven't had a drop of liquid for 12 hours. Once the lights go down, nature always calls.

And you find yourself left with two options:

1) Miss the beginning of the movie and risk not understanding what the hell's going on for the remainder of the film.

Or 2) Stay there and slowly suffer for what seems like 17 hours as you will the movie to go faster, no longer caring whether the lovable loser gets the girl or the James Bond action hero type saves the hostages. Just so long as the credits start rolling so you can hightail it to the nearest restroom.

I always opt for option B.

Suffering in silence.

It's why I cry during every film.

And now for this week’s:

SIGN OF THE APOCALYPSE

At my work, this new game on my co-worker Rachit’s iPhone has become all the rage. It’s a math game and it gives you 20 basic math questions-and-answers. As fast as you can, you have to determine whether each one is right or wrong. For each wrong answer, five seconds is added to your overall time. We play it constantly to establish our office cred.

I currently hold the record at 9.54 seconds.

Yep, I’m so cool.