My dad has become a real organic food nut over the last few years. Go into his freezer and you'll see organic meat. Go into his fridge and you'll find organic vegetables.
"Hey Dad," I said while over at his place recently, "mind if I pour myself a glass of milk?"
"Help yourself," he replied. "It's organic."
Of course.
Well, let me tell you something about this organic trend:
Organic food is nothing more than a creation by the food, vegetable and dairy industries to charge twice as much for the same products that you consume on a daily basis.
There. I said it.
Now, many of you organic freaks feel that consuming such products improves your health, helps the environment and promotes your objection to the inhumane treatment of cows.
As usual, it's up to me to expose the truth:
Myth # 1: Eating organic food contributes to the improvement of overall health. Let me tell you all something about cockroaches. You know why they don't die? Because they eat crap all day. Everything they consumed is filled with pesticides and hormones. And you know what? Even a nuclear blast can't kill those suckers.
People, we have consumed pesticides for years. Our bodies are so used to foreign chemicals that we've become borderline-invincible. By switching to organic food, not only are you not helping your cause, but you may very well be contributing to your demise. Why? Because your body can't handle the change!! It's too much of a shock to the system. If you start going organic, you're weakening your body's defenses.
So stay healthy. Eat crap. That's my advice.
Myth # 2: Eating organic food helps the environment. OK, let's ignore the fact that there are about a million other things killing my good friend the ozone layer. Pesticides and hormones makes food grow bigger and faster. So if everything became organic, sure we might help Mother Earth...
...but we'd also starve!!
People, do you like those hefty cuts of meat? Well, guess what? It ain't natural material that helped to get it that size. You're used to big portions. You need big portions. Without those big portions, you'll waste away to Mary Kate Olsen levels.
And ladies, that's not a look men find attractive. FYI.
Myth # 3: Eating organic food helps promote the humane traffic of cows. Here's a fresh little nugget of information for you: What's the one similarity between a cow that roams the pasture eating nothing but grass, and a cow that's bunched together with other cows being pumped full of steroids?
Both cows get slaughtered.
Listen, I love cows. They're cute and they moo. But all cows you eat, organic and non, get killed. Besides, in these tough economic times, we all have to ask ourselves the following question:
Am I willing to spend twice as much to eat a steak that comes from a happy cow?
If your answer is yes, you're not just stupid...
...you're fiscally irresponsible.
Shame on you.
And now for this week's:
SIGN OF THE APOCALYPSE
The following is being said to finalize a fantasy football deal I made:
I LOVE THE iPHONE!! THE iPHONE IS GREAT!! ANYONE WHO'S ANYONE OWES THE iPHONE!! iPHONE iPHONE iPHONE!!
THE iPHONE!!
(thumbs up!!)
Don't ask.
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2 comments:
Writing an article on organic food and complaining about it. I can see complaining about the prices such as the organic store Whole Foods but the actual food and the reasoning behind it...???
YOU NEED TO GET LAID!
He doesn't need to get laid. He needs to watch A Clockwork Orange.
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