Going Through Airport Security: A Nevin Barich Blog Experience

Recently, I hopped on a plane for a 36-hour trip to Northern California to see my first-ever Stanford-Cal football game (Cal fans are psychos, by the way. They're like Raider fans, without the style and creativity). And as part of the plane-riding process, I had to go through one of life's less-enjoyable experiences:

Airport security.

Now please understand: I completely get and respect the reason for more airport security. The September 11 terrorist attacks were absolutely horrible and tragic, one of those events where everyone alive at the time will remember the exact moment that they heard the news. Having said that: Airport security is not only ridiculously annoying, but absolutely confusing.

Sorry to say, I am one of those people at airport security that others get stuck behind because he doesn't know what the hell he's doing. I mean, I am always baffled when I go through airport security. First, every time I grab a bin, I have trouble separating the damn things. I mean, everyone around me and their mother seems to be able to separate the bins with ease, but mine always seem to be stuck like glue. I can feel everyone else's eyes rolling as I struggle.

Then there's the shoes. I always forget to take off my shoes. And when I do take them off, I never remember whether I'm supposed to put them in a bin or not. For that matter, it's the same with laptops. When I take out my laptop, I put it in the bin and then put other stuff in the bin. But for some reason, you're supposed to keep the laptop separate in the bin. Otherwise, I guess, the X-ray machine won't be able to spot the bomb blueprints I have on my desktop.

When it's all said and done, I end up with eight bins, each of them filled with my own separate items because I'm all confused, a line has formed behind me, and the security guy is looking at me like he'd shoot me if he didn't fear God or the law.

And that's me and airport security in a nutshell.

Total time it takes me to go through security: 37 minutes.

Not including the time it takes to pat me down if I'm determined to be a terror risk.

:-)

And now for this week's:

SIGN OF THE APOCALYPSE

Former NBA star Dennis Rodman received oral sex during a recent radio interview.

There's even audio.

And the funny part is that Rodman was the guy who called in.

I'm sure the radio host would've forgiven his tardiness.

Restaurants That Post Nutritional Information: A Nevin Barich Blog Experience

Earlier this week, I visited my good friends at Chili's Restaurant in Northridge, meeting up with a couple of old high school chums for dinner. And as we were catching up and reminiscing on old times, I started looking at the menu and noticed all of these damn numbers next to the food items.

The nutritional information.

Now: I understand the reasoning behind this new phenomenon. In today's restaurant society, there are -- quite frankly -- some fattening food items out there. And no doubt some big wigs from the health food industry got together with some head honchos from the fat farm factory and conspired to pressure Congress to make people feel bad about the Texas cheese fries they want to order.

Fine. Whatever. But I have news for those who hatched this evil plan:

It doesn't work.

No one loves fattening food more than me. Now I'm not fat and I work out daily, but I'm still a prime target of health and organic food advocates. They want people like me to feel guilty. To take stock in what I'm eating and ask myself: "Is it worth it?" They want to get me to take a good, hard look in the mirror and ponder serious life changes.

Yeah, good luck.

I'm like a smoker: I don't bother reading the warning labels. I know this food is bad for me and I don't care. Why? Because it tastes good and it makes me happy. When I eat it, I smile. And I like to smile.

Just being honest here, people. :-)

My point is: I already know that the fried onion and jalapeno stack that my friends and I ordered at Chili's as an appetizer was loaded with tons of fat, calories and sodium. But it didn't stop us from ordering it. We ignore warnings. We're Americans!! We think we're indestructible!! And if we get heart problems later on, it's nothing a little open heart surgery won't fix.

Plus: Bad food is cheaper. You ever see a value menu of health food? No. Why? Because health food costs money. And times are tough. Bad food is cheaper and I like to save.

To sum up: I am winning the fight against the evil health food and diet tyrants. This whole "Hey Nev, those steak nachos from Baja Fresh you're about to order contain 108 grams of fat in them, which is about 1 1/2 days' intake" campaign is failing. And as long as I continue to eat this food, it will continue to fail.

It's a war, people. And I'm doing my part.

:-)

And now for this week's:

SIGN OF THE APOCALYPSE

As if "The Hangover" franchise couldn't get any cooler.

Bill Clinton has reportedly just filmed a cameo for next year's "The Hangover 2."

Oh.

Hell.

Yeah.

Getting a Big-Screen, HD TV: A Nevin Barich Blog Experience

I was at work the other day when my wife Ramona sent me the following text message:

I'm buying us a TV! 42-inch LG LCD with Internet connectivity so you can use your Playstation 2 and we can get movies from Netflix!

Hand of God: I have never loved Ramona more than I did at that moment.

As I write this, I am in front of my new TV -- which I named Bessie -- watching the movie Old School, awestruck at how the frat parties are so much clearer in HD. I mean, you can really see the detail on the beer bongs. It's practically life-like.

I am among the last people on Earth to have an HD TV. If you know me, this shouldn't be surprising. It's not that I don't like TV. I love it!! Ramona and I are huge TV watchers. But I'm also a creature of habit, easy to please. I mean, I don't need much. I'm cool with paper plates, 16-bit Super Nintendo, flip phones with no texting keyboards, and until recently, a 20-inch box TV.

I'm loyal to things that serve my needs well. I still have socks from the 1990s. I wear shoes until they disintegrate. I'm not particularly fond of changing brands of toothpaste. So it wasn't easy for me to just jump right into an HD TV. I was used to boxed TVs. They were cheap, sturdy, and had a good picture. What more did I need? Sure, all my friends laughed at me, made fun of me, and called me "1960s Guy", but these are also people that would trade in their loyal, loving older dog for a brand new puppy.

Luckily, my wife stepped in and made the hard choice I couldn't make. I'm Vito Corleone -- who couldn't bring himself to order his daughter's husband killed even though he was responsible for the death of son -- and Ramona is Michael Corleone, the one willing to give the order.

Ramona got the new TV and killed the old one, making her man happy...and allowing me to view my HD without guilt.

Damn, this picture is clear.

What's my point here? No point. I mean, I have a flatscreen TV. It's big, it looks great, and tomorrow I'm watching the Manny Pacquiao fight on it.

Life is good.

Especially in HD.

:-)

And now for this week's:

SIGN OF THE APOCALYPSE

There's a bacon candle on the market!!

Oh.

Yeah.

Women's Obsession With Cool Cars: A Nevin Barich Blog Experience

Earlier today, I was visiting my good friends at ARCO, filling up my car with gas, when I saw in front of me a Lamborghini. Now a Lamborghini is going to stand out no matter what, particularly in the San Fernando Valley, where we don't see very many cool cars. But it wasn't so much the fact that the Lamborghini was there, but rather the interesting reaction the Lamborghini received from a woman nearby.

This woman -- who was with her boyfriend in some normal two-car black Honda -- was busy snapping pictures of the Lamborghini with her iPhone. She was looking at it, salivating over it; I seriously believe that if her boyfriend wasn't around, she would've gone to the Lamborghini and licked the hood. She had a look on her face that said:

God I would look good sitting in that car!!

And it made me ponder the following question:

What is it with women and picturing themselves in cool cars?

Seriously, this is a female thing. It really is. I mean, sure guys buy the cool cars. But you know why? Because it attracts women to them!! Men don't think to themselves, "Man I look great in this car." If anything, they think that the car itself looks so good that it will cover up how ugly he is!!

But women are different. They picture how they would look in the car. They think that they look better as a result of being in the car. They believe that they and the car are one.

And here's what's funny: Women aren't naive. They know why guys buy these types of cars: To get laid, pure and simple. But despite this knowledge, women simply opt to pay this price in order to be in the car and fulfill their "Damn, I look so good in this car!! fantasy.

It's like they're whoring themselves over a vehicle.

That's right. I said it.

Look: I'm not trying to judge. I'm really not. It's just that I simply don't get it. I don't get the obsession of being in a cool car or looking good in a cool car. I don't get why when a woman sees a Lamborghini at a gas station, she flips out her iPhone, takes tons of pictures, and looks at it longingly enough to practically have an orgasm.

Her poor boyfriend. He's probably a good guy. He probably works hard, has a decent, job, treats her right. I bet he buys her flowers for no reason. Does the laundry and dishes at home. Is a good listener.

But all that pales in the face of a $200,000 sports car.

I bet the next time the couple has sex, the woman will be thinking of the car.

I just hope, for her boyfriend's sake, she doesn't say the word "Lamborghini" in the heat of the moment.

:-)

And now for this week's:

SIGN OF THE APOCALYPSE

A 10-year-old girl from Romania has given birth in southern Spain, officials in the region have said.

The father of the baby is also believed to be a minor, aged 13, who is still in Romania, Spanish media have said.

Things like this...just make me sad.