Going Purse Shopping For A Friend's Birthday Gift: A Nevin Barich Blog Experience

My friend and co-worker Tiffany had her birthday a few days ago, and in anticipation of the day, I had our other co-workers chip in so we could buy her a gift. Now I'm someone who really likes to get gifts that I know the person will like, so to ensure of this, I asked Tiffany's mom for gift idea's for her daughter.

Mama Tiff's response:

Well, she mentioned to me that she wanted a black Guess purse from Ross. You could probably find one for $50 or $60.

So I went online, saw that there were 3 Ross stores in a 6.5 mile radius of my house, and said to myself:

How hard can it be?

And thus, an adventure began.

Now before I begin my purse-buying experience, know the following:

1) I have never bought a purse before, for any woman.

And 2) I did not enlist the help of my wife Ramona in this endeavor. Now, although hindsight will show us that it would've been wise to enlist the purse-buying wisdom and experience of Mrs. Nev (and Ramona and Tiffany are friends) Ramona likes to shop for hours at a time. I like to shop for 4 minutes. So it's hard to find a middle ground.

Anyways:

I had never been in a Ross store before, and this is the lesson I learned:

In order to get what you want, you need to be willing to push the old lady in front of you out of the way, onto the ground, and even – if necessary – bash her head in repeatedly on one of the metal bar racks.

This way, she won’t grab the purse you’re looking for.

5 women died in the search for the purse.

So when I went into the first Ross store, needless to say I was ill-prepared. I mean, these places are zoos!! It’s like being in a Hippo cage at feeding time!! All the purses are in one place and there’s no rhyme or reason as to what brand is where. I was pushed around, bounced around, stepped on. I simply wasn’t ready for the war zone I was about to enter. Finally, some poor customer service kid looked at me in pity, went through all the purses, and saw they were out of Guess.

So onto Ross store # 2.

This time, I was more ready. I harkened back to my teenage fighting days and decided on a strategy:

I went low.

These women go high, I duck and dodge and shuffle on my knees. I managed to get right in there, going through purses like a 75-year-old who is waiting at 3 a.m. for the store to open for a day-after-Thanksgiving sale.

I even found a Guess purse!!

The problem:

It was zebra.

And my friend's mom said:

No Zebra.

So onto Ross store #3.

And by this time, I thought: “To hell with it, I’m going right into the line of fire.”

So I pushed down a woman looking at the Tommy Hillfiger purses.

“MOVE BITCH!!” I yelled.

I gave an elbow to a 60-year-old looking at the Nine West rack.

“OUT OF THE WAY, SEA HAG!!!” I declared.

I gave an 80-year-old a knee to the stomach.

“Because I just have a bad feeling about you,” I told her, hovering over her hunched body.

And after all of that…

No black Guess purse.

So instead, I just bought a Visa gift card.

My friend can find her own damn purse.

:-)

And now for this week's:

SIGN OF THE APOCALYPSE

Southern rapper Birdman recently bought a $2.1 million Bugatti Veyron, a European sports car.

The car requires $300,000 worth of annual upkeep, can get up to 267 miles an hour, but at its top speed the fuel runs out in 12 minutes and the tires start disintegrating after 15.

But on the flip side, the key is shaped like a Swiss army knife.

That's something.