Going To The Mall At The Age Of 28: A Nevin Barich Blog Experience

Going to the mall these days is always a unique experience for me. Like many youths, as a teenager I often ventured to the mall to check out -- and hit on -- girls (succeeding at the first task and...having not quite as much success at the second). But today, at the ripe old age of 28, going to the mall is a bit different: I'm no longer going there for the women, and even if I wanted to, I'm too old for these ladies anyway.

A little side note:

The first time I realized I was too old for mall girls, I was in my early 20s and with a buddy of mine. As this realization hit me, I looked around and was astonished to find something:

"Dude," I said to my friend, "did you know there were stores here?"

True story.

Anyways, I recently ventured to the mall to get a birthday present for my mom and was once again reminded of how old I had become:

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OK, I honestly don't get the way kids dress today. When I was in high school, only the gangstas dressed like gangstas. But today, everyone is doing it: Big sideways caps, pants with shiny buckles, weird shirt designs. They look like they dressed themselves while on acid.

And here's another thing: Everyone acts like gangstas. It's like I walked into the movie "Menace II Society." Everyone's talking loud, nonsensically, and while throwing a lot of random hand signals.

I was walking past the food court when I heard a high school lad -- an overweight white kid wearing the aforementioned sideways hat, buckle and acid-induced shirt -- say the following to his group of friends:

TOLD YOU!! TOLD YOU, FOOL!!! I TOLD YOU YOU'D BE GOIN' FOR MORE KETCHUP!! WHADIDITELLU!!! WHADIDITELLU!!! OH YEAH!! I BE SLAMMIN'!! I BE SLAMMIN', BABY, I BE SLAMMIN'!!!

And then he threw out a random hand signal that made him look like he was having a spasm.

SOUTH COAST!!!

Yeah.

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My mom likes stuff from Bath & Body Works -- a store with lots of bath lotions and potions of various scents -- so I ventured in there to buy her gift. Going to Bath & Body Works is also interesting because, though its patrons are predominantly women, it always includes a smattering of three types of men:

a) Someone like me, who is shopping for a woman.

b) A guy dragged into the store by his wife or girlfriend who starts trying some of the lotions just to keep himself from screaming and finds that he actually enjoys them.

(that's how I discovered Cucumber Water Melon body wash)

and c) The gay guy.

In this instance, the gay guy was a spikey-haired individual wearing a tight-fitting white shirt, hot pants and really bright pink sneakers. I was waiting in line while he was trying a couple of hand lotions and I heard him say the following:

Ooooooh, that's the one that smells like love. Tommy's gonna loveeee this. Someone's tearin' up this big daddy tonight.

Now look:

I love the gay community. I truly do. Over the years, I have had several wonderful gay friends, and besides, like my dad always said:

The more gay men, the less competition there is for the straight ones.

But there are certain conversations even I don't want to overhear. I don't want to hear any man refer to himself as "big daddy" in relation to another man.

I mean...no.

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Bath & Body Works also sells scented candles.

A quick note about scented candles for the ladies:

If you go to a man's place and he has scented candles, he wants sex. Pure and simple. With the exception of that "Friends" episode where Chandler got addicted to candle-laden baths to de-stress, a man only has scented candles to try and convince women that's he sensitive, in tune with your chi, and thus different from all the other guys who have tried to sleep with you.

Write that down.

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And finally, as I walked out of the store, I walked past a long-haired boy -- who looked all of 12 -- and heard him talking to his other friend about his various ex-girlfriends and how none of them ever gave him any peace.

I just had to say something:

"What ex-girlfriends?" I asked him. "I mean, what are you, 7? How many girlfriends could you have possibly had? And what could you have possibly learned from being with them for four days each? Just what do you think you know? Really?"

The boy's quick response told me that my words had failed to make a dent.

Man, whatever dog. I get mine. The D-Man always gets mine!!

And his friend chimed in.

YEAH YEAH, THE D-MAN ALWAYS GET HIS, FOOL!!!

YEAH!!!

YEAH!!!

I knew what was coming next.

SOUTH COAST!!!

Random hand signals.

And at that moment, I thought to myself something that my dad once told me:

Kids today are morons.

I mean...

Morons.

Indeed.

And now for this week's:

SIGN OF THE APOCALYPSE:

New Cuban dictator Raul Castro recently declared that everyone in the country -- not just the few wealthy citizens -- can have access to cell phones.

Kudos to you, Raul.

Granted, your country is still having issues with food shortages, horrific living conditions and overall poverty in general.

But it's nice to know you're focusing on the important issues first.

Cell phones.

They're for Cubans now, you know.

Do you like these blogs? Hate them? Somewhere in the middle? Leave me a comment and let me know. Your words keep me motivated...to write mine. :-)

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