Starbucks: The Bane Of All Existence: A Nevin Barich Blog Experience

OK people, for those of you who don't know, I hate coffee. And I absolutely detest Starbucks.

Reason 764,831 why I hate Starbucks:"

A five-shot soy upside-down 195-degree caramel matkiyata."

I was in Starbucks not long ago picking up something for my girlfriend (for what it's worth, she wanted a venti iced latte with one sweet n' low) and was waiting for the order when the barista...("Barista." Glorified milkshake maker, that's what that is.)...when the barista called out the "five-shot soy upside-down 195-degree caramel matkiyata" order.

Now, let me skip ahead pass the six times I had to ask the barista (whose name, by the way, was Ellen) what that drink was called, and let's fast forward to the questions that I just had to ask her:

Question: This drink contained soy. Soy what?

Answer: Soy espresso, sir. It doesn't have as much caffeine as regular espresso, so it's better for your system.

Question: But doesn't having five shots of the stuff defeat the "better for your system" purpose?

(No response.)

Question: Why do you say 195 degrees?Answer: That's how hot the drink was brewed at. This way, it's not as hot.

Question: But couldn't I just blow on it like a normal person?

(No response)

Question: Why do you say it's upside down?

Answer: Well, normally the "caramel matkiyata" is put on top, but this person asked that it be put on the bottom.

Question: And how does one come to the conclusion that the taste of a "five-shot soy upside-down 195-degree caramel matkiyata" can be improved by putting the "caramel matkiyata" on the bottom?

(No response)

Soon after, the man who ordered the "five-shot soy upside-down 195-degree caramel matkiyata" picked it up.

"Excuse me," I asked him, "but I'm just curious: How did you decide to put the 'caramel matkiyata' upside down? Surely at one time, you had this drink with the 'caramel matkiyata' right-side up."

He turned to me."

Actually," he said, "I haven't. I've never had the 'caramel matkiyata' on top."

"Never?" I asked.

"Never."

"Never?"

"Never! Isn't that just crazy?"

Yes, I thought, it's crazy that you think you can order a "five-shot soy upside-down 195-degree caramel matkiyata" and think this is normal behavior.

Starbucks.

The bane of all existence.
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