Are Lean Pockets Junk Food? A Nevin Barich Blog Experience

Are Lean Pockets junk food?

Lean Pockets, for those international readers of mine who don't have the privilege of them in their country, are microwaveable turnovers usually containing a combination of cheese, meat, and vegetables. In America, they are a staple of freezers everywhere.

This past week, I began my quest to cut down on the amount of junk food I eat. I, admittedly am a junk food junkie (no pun intended). The McDonald's value menu is made for people like me, who like burgers, fries, mayo, and want it cheap.

It's people like me who keep America solvent.

Having said that, junk food, of course, is bad for you. Too much fat and empty calories. Because of that, I've made a concerted effort to cut down on the McDonalds and Taco Bell, and focus on lower-fat items.

But the question has been posed:

Are Lean Pockets junk food?

Lean Pockets are "lean", at least when it comes to the amount of fat and calories. A Lean Pocket contains about 260-270 calories and 8-9 grams of fat. So to me, in my view, it's not junk food. If anything, it's a diet food. You cut down on your fat, you cut down on your calories, you cut down on your cholesterol.

How is this bad?

But some folks out there are insisting that Lean Pockets are still part of the "junk food" family. They say it's loaded with sodium, preservatives, and that eating too many of them will kill you.

Personally, I think these are disgusting, short-sighted, mean-spirited arguments from people who just don't want to see someone like me embrace the idea of healthier eating.

Personally. :-)

I mean, for one: Junk food is high in fat. Lean Pockets are not.

Also, junk food needs to contain at least one or more of the following elements: An excessive amount of cheese, mayo, or something fried. Lean Pockets don't contain much cheese, and are sans mayo or something fried.

And finally: Junk food is sold in fast-food restaurants. Lean Pockets are not.

When was the last time Lean Pockets were sold through a fast-food window?

The way I see it: As I get older (I'm 31) it's time for me to realize that I can't live on a diet of Pepsi, Dorritos, and frozen chicken strips. I need to cut back on fat and junk food, increase my grains, and adopt a healthy lifestyle.

Enter Lean Pockets.

Which I've now proven, beyond a shadow of a doubt, to not be junk food.

You can't beat sound reasoning.

:-)

And now for this week's:

SIGN OF THE APOCALYPSE

Horoscope signs are changing.

Because, you know, it's important to keep things fresh.

Going To a Tea Room: A Nevin Barich Blog Experience

Earlier this week, my wife Ramona and I spent a few days vacationing in Cambria, a cute coastal town about 35 miles past San Luis Obispo, California's, wine country. Ramona has long been the "cultured" one in the relationship. Anything we do that goes beyond paper napkins and sports is her idea 99% of the time.

As such, it was Ramona's idea that she and I take a visit one afternoon to our good friends at The Tea Cozy, a quaint little tea room in Cambria's downtown area.

Here's my thing about tea: I hate it. I mean, I really do. Every tea I've ever tasted tastes like hot water to me. Blueberry tea? Hot water. Strawberry tea? Hot water. Tea with honey? Hot water with honey. Passion fruit tea? Passion fruit hot water...sans the taste of passion fruit.

Nonetheless, the wife twisted my arm because, as she said, it wasn't just about the tea, it was about the experience.

And here were some highlights of the experience:

1) Everyone talks with British accents. Now this wouldn't be that big of a deal were it not for the fact that everybody in the establishment was American. Seriously, what is it about tea rooms that summons up people's union jack? Everywhere I looked, I saw people go from "that's awesome" to "cheerio" once the tea was set on the table. Even Ramona was trying to speak like the queen. It was like being in an episode of "The Twilight Zone."

2) They cut the crusts off of their sandwiches. Now this, I got to say, is kind of cool. Bread crusts really are useless and tasteless. The British are lagging the Americans in lots of ways -- the Revolutionary War started that trend, in my opinion -- but they got the making of sandwiches down pretty good. They cut off the crust, have the food in nice little squares, and they put the sandwiches on this circle-y thing that spins so that you don't have to reach for food.

That's class. :-)

3) All the ordering of food and drink is done by women.

Including Ramona and myself, there were four tables filled with couples. Without exception, all of the "British tea and food stuff" was ordered by the woman. This, we came to find out from our waitress, was normal. Men have no clue what to do when it comes to tea rooms. I, personally, was lost. There's too many teas to choose from, the sandwiches all have ingredients I can't pronounce, and nowhere could I find anything that contained "burgers" or "fries."

Or "chips" as the British call it.

Ramona ordered us three fancy sandwiches and a pot of blackcurrant tea.

I ordered us a Diet Shasta.

And you know what our waitress said?

"All of the Diet Shasta is ordered by men."

My reply?

"That's because it's the only thing on the menu we can understand."

:-)

And now for this week's:

SIGN OF THE APOCALYPSE

The wife of a prison inmate is suing A&E, claiming the network falsely made it appear that she was smuggling drugs to her husband via her vagina.

Marlorita Battle claims she was minding her own business -- visiting her hubby at the Riverbend State Prison in Tennessee -- when, unbeknownst to her, a crew for the show "The Squad: Prison Police" was secretly filming her.

Though she says nothing untoward happened during her visit, when A&E aired the show, they made her look like a drug smuggler. Specifically, Battle claims the episode featured a member of the prison police squad describing how outsiders smuggle drugs by carrying them inside their body cavities.

Battle says her images were plastered all over the screen as the squad member described how women often hide the drugs in their vaginas. And then Battle is featured walking toward the bathroom, then returning to kiss her husband goodbye. Battle says it was clear ... A&E was suggesting she had passed drugs to her hubby through "oral contact."

I pity the lawyers who will be taking this case.

Reading About Tampons (The Male Perspective): A Nevin Barich Blog Experience

Sometimes, a blog topic just finds you.

I was milling around the other day when I came across a discarded piece of paper, which turned out to be an instruction sheet for Tampax tampons.

Tampons are a mystery to me. Hell, tampons are a mystery to all men. We get the purpose, we just don't get (nor want to get) how women walk around with these things.

I mean, from a man's perspective, tampons are barbaric. In fact, the whole "monthly thing" y'all females go through is just strange. It's like walking around with a busted pipe. It's just odd...and we don't look at it as beautiful and natural.

I'm just saying what all men are thinking.

So I started reading these tampons instructions. And I gotta give it to the folks at Tampax: They thought of everything. First of all, they have a little section entitled:

"Your first time?"

And it reads:

Take a deep breath...and relax. It's much easier to insert a tampon when you're relaxed. It takes practice -- most women need a few tries before they can comfortably and easily insert a tampon. When using a tampon for the first time, choose a day when your flow is moderate.

I, for one, feel more at ease.

And then you're given the right ways to use the tampon, as well as "other helpful hints about absorbency":

1) Always use the lowest absorbency tampon to meet your needs.

Um...OK. Sounds reasonable.

2) Tampax makes choosing the right absorbency easy. Every box includes an absorbency chart to help you decide. By using different absorbencies, you will get the best combination of protection and comfort.

OK, trial and error. Got it.

And then...

3) Change your tampon every 4-8 hours.

WHOA!!!!! Are you %$#@&%$# me?!? You mean to tell me that during her time of the month, a woman has to submit herself to this insane ritual 3-4 times a day? That's insane!! No wonder women are pissed off during their time of the month!! I'd be cussing out my husband and throwing knives at his head too.

But wait, there's more.

I asked a female friend about this "every 4-8 hours" thing and she said:

That's if you're a slow-flow kinda gal. Otherwise, it's every 2-4 hours.

What. The. $#@^%$.

And finally, for those who are still confused, the instructions contain a visual aid.

Which is just really, really disturbing.

Luckily, for anyone with further questions, the instructions say that they can go to www.beinggirl.com.

Check out the section on periods, which contains the following snip-it:

Sometimes it seems like your period always comes when you least expect it. If you’ve had your period for less than two years, chances are, it hasn’t become regular yet. But don’t worry – it will be soon.

And on that happy note, I'm gonna go watch football.

:-)

And now for this week's:

SIGN OF THE APOCALYPSE

Almost 30 robots have started teaching English to youngsters in a South Korean city, in a pilot project designed to nurture the nascent robot industry.

Engkey, a white, egg-shaped robot developed by the Korea Institute of Science of Technology (KIST), began taking classes Monday at 21 elementary schools in the southeastern city of Daegu.

The 29 robots, about one metre (3.3 feet) high with a TV display panel for a face, wheeled around the classroom while speaking to the students, reading books to them and dancing to music by moving their head and arms.

The robots, which display an avatar face of a Caucasian woman, are controlled remotely by teachers of English in the Philippines -- who can see and hear the children via a remote control system.

I only have one thing to say about this:

Didn't these guys see "The Terminator?"

I'm telling you: This is how it starts.

Jews Love Christmas (Pass It On): A Nevin Barich Blog Experience

Note to all of the non-Jews of the world, young and old:

All Jews love Christmas.

Jews love Christmas. We celebrate Christmas just like you. We have trees, bust out the lights, deck the halls, drink Egg Nog, listen to carolers, and listen to Christmas music like there's no tomorrow.

All Jews love Christmas. Even the orthodox ones. Oh sure, they say they don't. But orthodox Jews are just the Jews who were so scarred from not having Santa Claus when they were a kid that they rebelled by becoming really Jewish and trying to pretend that Christmas doesn't exist.

It's OK. I'm Jewish. I can say these things. :-)

Why do Jews love Christmas? Simple. Because Jews, my non-Jew friends, are just like you. We like presents. We like lots of presents. And we like food. And family. And time off of work and school. We like snow. We like twinkly lights. We like sitting on Santa's lap and telling him what we want for Christmas.

My name is Nevin Barich. I'm a Jew who loves Christmas. I am just like you.

And that's what this week's blog is about, really. Bridging the gap between Jews and non-Jews. During this time of year, we are exactly the same. There are no differences. We both love the same things and think the same way. Embrace the sameness. Embrace Jews this holiday season and every holiday season heretoforth.

And when I say anything related to Christmas from here on in, please don't say some kind of "Nev, you're Jewish" statement in response. Man, that gets old.

Aren't you Jewish?

Nev, you're Jewish.

Jews celebrate Christmas?

Jews don't celebrate Christmas!

Didn't you already have your Chanukah?

You know who Santa is?

You know how many "Nev, you're Jewish" statement I got this holiday season?

13.

I am Jewish.

And I celebrate Christmas.

Pass it on.

:-)

And now for this week's:

SIGN OF THE APOCALYPSE

Lindsay Lohan was accused of attacking a worker in the rehab facility she's in.

My guess: The rehab worker tried to step in after finding Lindsay trying to smoke one of her socks.

That's my theory, anyway.

Getting A Barbershop Shave: A Nevin Barich Blog Experience

There are many things in life that a man needs to do at least once. Among them: Backpack through Europe. Visit Fenway Park and pretend to be a Yankees fan. And eat a fried Twinkie.

And over the weekend, I found another one to add to the list:

Getting a barbershop shave.

Recently, some friends and I visited the good people at The Art of Shaving in Las Vegas, and treated ourselves to what's called "The Royal Shave." As a part of royalty, you get the works: Hot towels, straight razor, lather, facial massage, the works. You sit for 45 minutes as the hands of experience sculpt your face in a way a plastic surgeon never could.

Honest to God: It's heaven on Earth.

I mean, when you walk in the barber lies you down, invites you to put your feet up and take your shoes off, and proceed to make you feel like you are the only person who matters in the world. For 3/4 of an hour, you feel like the king of the world as you treat yourself and your face to tender loving care that you previously only got from your wife, with the added benefit of Italian opera playing in the background.

It's very Godfather-like. It makes you feel like Moe Greene, right before he got clipped through the barbershop window.

Here's the way I see it. Women have their facials. Women have their manicures. Women have their pedicures. Women have their spa days. In fact, when you think about it, women have just about every relaxation method offered to them under the sun!! What do men have that's both socially acceptable and won't get them in trouble with the wife to enjoy? (the second part eliminates both strip clubs and lap dances) If you think about it, the barbershop shave is man's only release. Where a man can be a man and talk to other men about men things, like sports and cars and action movies and "these kids today" and "in my day" and "look at the ass on her" and beer.

Seriously, the experience couldn't be any better if they had bowls of pretzels and Guinness on tap.

So mean: Add barbershop shave to your bucket list. Enjoy the experience of your face feeling like a baby's bottom.

Smooth.

:-)

And now for this week's:

SIGN OF THE APOCALYPSE

Tony Romo is engaged to a pageant queen.

I'm sure this is a marriage built to last.

Playing Beer Pong For The Very First Time: A Nevin Barich Blog Experience

I'm not a drinker. Never was. It wasn't because of any real moral issue, dilemma, or parental fear. The reason is far more simple: I hate the taste. Beer. Vodka. Gin. Rum. It all tastes like piss to me.

As such, I had never taken part in a certain game, a certain ritual, that symbolizes youth, the feeling of invincibility, and stupidity:

Beer Pong. :-)

Beer Pong. An American drinking game involving beer and ping pong balls. I'd heard about it, read about it, and if I felt inspired, I'm sure I could've found videos on it. But I never did. I never played. Because I didn't drink beer. I hated the taste. Piss, remember?

However, recently -- during tailgating of the USC-UCLA football game earlier this month -- my friends began setting up for Beer Pong and encouraged my participation. And after thinking about it for a bit, I thought: Why not? There's not a lot of beer in the cups, I'm not driving, and I liked the idea of bouncing ping pong balls into cups (it sounded oddly thrilling).

It was time to pop my Beer Pong cherry.

So I began playing Beer Pong with my friends. And let me tell you: I was awesome!!

I mean, I was good. Really good!! One minute, I'm forced to admit to that at age 31, I have no idea what the rules of Beer Pong are (kind of like a 20-year-old admitting he doesn't know how to tie his shoes). The next minute, I'm fooling the competition with sudden bounce shots and hitting 20-foot fadeaways.

I was in the Beer Pong zone.

I don't often impress myself, but on this fall Saturday afternoon in the Pasadena Rose Bowl parking lot, I found out that I took to Beer Pong like Forrest Gump took to ping pong. There were guys I was going up against who claimed to have never lost a Beer Pong game. And they fell to the might and determination of Nev.

I played five games. Of those, my partner and I won four. And the fifth game really shouldn't count, because I was kind of swaying back and forth at that point. But it wasn't just about the victories. It was about knowing that if push came to shove, if someone put a gun to my head and said "Play a credible game of Beer Pong or I'll blow your brains out," I could rise to the challenge.

Although after five games, the beer still tasted like piss.

:-)

And now for this week's:

SIGN OF THE APOCALYPSE

From TMZ:

Pop star Miley Cyrus has been known for making hits, but a new video shows she’s also taking some.

TMZ posted footage of Cyrus taking a hit off a bong at a party in her Los Angeles area home just five days after she turned 18 on November 23. In the clip, the singer gets the giggles after she smokes what is allegedly salvia, a natural herb with psychedelic qualities. Possessing salvia is legal in California.

After inhaling, Cyrus imagines seeing her boyfriend, Liam Hemsworth. “Having a little bit of a bad trip,” she tells the camera with a laugh.

According to TMZ’s source, Cyrus’ friend shot the video, but it was allegedly stolen or copied from her camera.

Miley Cyrus: Becoming the new Lindsay Lohan.

By the way: What is the deal with people filming one another doing drugs? I mean, is it the new trendy thing to do? What possible good can come from this?

And then the video always gets "stolen."

Right.

Going Back To My Podcast Roots: A Nevin Barich Blog Experience

It's been a very crazy week, so I had no time for a real blog post. However, recently I went back to my podcast roots and posted a new podcast with my buddy -- and cousin-in-law -- Michael Feldman. You can listen to the 10-minute podcast here.

We talk about MILFs.

:-)

Next week's blog: I have my first beer pong experience!!

And now for this week's:

SIGN OF THE APOCALYPSE

Queen Elizabeth II's underwear will be going on auction to the highest bidder in Miami.

Some SOTAs...just write themselves. :-)